Friday, June 5, 2009

Letters from the Bored

From time to time we have to take a little break at work from all the stress and have a little fun. These are just a couple e-mails that the collections deparment here at Cooper, Spong & Davis would LOVE to send to the partners. And also some e-mails we'd love to send to some Twilight characters.

From Me:
Dear Cooper Spong & Davis:

Whoever left the ice bucket empty and put an empty ice tray back into the freezer is trifling.



From Jerri:
Dear Cooper, Spong & Davis

Please provide one of the conference rooms with a big fluffy bed. No one likes to nap on the kitchen 'tables'. Failure to do so will result in a profoundly obnoxious strike from your home collections department. And every other mother who works here…so all of your other staff members as well. Our mission here is to be able to resolve this issue without any further complications.

And the bed better be king-sized. With a down comforter. And night light.

Sincerely Yours,

The Cooper, Spong & Davis Collections Department
(but mostly Jerri)


From Me:
Dear Cooper, Spong & Davis:

We greatly appreciate your generosity in buying pizza for the firm today. It's about time that you ordered the good pizza from Pizza Hut instead of the weird greek crap. Even though I cant eat it Jerri very much appreciates it.

Much love
JD and JB

From Jerri:
Dear Cooper, Spong & Davis

Lovely weather, isn't it? As part of the firm's hard-working staff, we would like to extend our hand in suggesting a few ideas to keep the staff's morale high and healthy! To start off with a few:

We find it easier to concentrate when relaxed. In this instance, we would like to suggest a personal masseuse to come by on a strictly part-time basis. He should be roughly six foot-two, muscular & Swedish. (Or a member of the elusive Quileute Native American Nation. But that's only a couple of member's wishes. Swedish works, too.)

In order to keep our body from perilous bouts of the swine flu/bird flu/pink eye/head colds- we would like to propose a resolution to the 'cold' & 'hot' spots of the office. Please make the office a comfortable 70 degrees in here. At all times. This means to not let Cathy control the thermostat. Ever.

Lastly, but certainly not leastly- we would like to offer up an additional amendment to the dress code. Flip-flops & nice jeans are very trendy. They work well together. Embrace them.

Please give these suggestions your kindest considerations. We very much appreciate you, you us paychecks and all that. Even if we end up owing the IRS come next April…

But that's another e-mail, entirely.

Peace out home slices,

JB, JD & BH.

From Me:
Dear Cooper, Spong & Davis:

Until further notice the Collection Team has decided to go on strike. We feel that our amazing leader aka Christine is being over worked when it comes to computer problems, aka Debbie. Please consider hiring someone part time to sit with the computer problem, as it seems she does not know how to use the computer whatsoever. If that is not an option we demand a raise for our amazing leader, as well as a company car and trip to some island far far away from said computer problem.

Make it happen.

The collection team

Now on the the e-mails we would love to send to the Twilight Characters....

From Me:
Dear Edward Cullen:

I think you are freaking hot. I don't care if you do look high half of the time and your hair looks like you have no clue what a brush is. I do not care that you are a vampire because I freaking love you.

Bite me


PS-Please put in a good word for my friend Jerri, she is in love with Jacob Black and we all think it's a bit odd that he loves your 6 month old daughter.

From Jerri:
Dear Jacob Black,

I love dogs...I think wolves are hot...But you are far more beautiful than anything else. Even if you are only 17. I know you're drawn to babies, but maybe this time you'll make an exception? Afterall, it wasn't too long ago that you had the hots for an older woman.

I'll be waiting for your howl.

<3 Jerri

PS. I now know why women always fall for the tall, dark & handsome types. And also? Please keep your hair nice and shaggy…it's niiiice.

Oh and I almost forgot this one addressed to JK Rowling

From Jerri:
Dear J.K. Rowling,

Thank you so much for reading all of your fan mail! We really love your work. We are two of your biggest fans (for realz) & would love to invite you to our 'Beloved Authors' convention. It will be held at the Cooper, Spong & Davis lobby on June 19th, 2009 from 9-5. Also in attendance (hopefully) will be Jen Lancaster, Jodi Picoult and our newest member to the convention- Stephanie Meyers. We would love to have you! Thanks for your consideration.

Long live Harry Potter!

Jerri Butler & Jessica Delaney.

PS. We know there are tensions between the Twilight series fans and the HP fans- keep it clean, shall we?

Don't get me wrong, we are very very hard workers but sometimes we crack under stress and have to let it out in the e-mails.


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