Cure for Depression

I have obviously been on the depression roller coaster for a long time. Yesterday evening I felt that sodden blanket of despair envelope me.

Why???

Who knows.

Sometimes I just think about things too much. Things I cannot control. Things that will not end. Things that I want but cannot have.

Last night I could not sleep. Laid there and tossed and turned. Tommy(my cat) was hogging the pillow as he always does. I got a small corner, he got the rest.

(I love the way his mouth looks like it has dirt around it! He is totally MY cat.)


1AM.....

2AM.....

3AM.....

Sometimes after 3AM I drifted off and fitfully slept the rest of the night. I should have just got up and studied. It would have been more productive.

I got up this morning feeling the same.

Restless.

Picky.

Out of sorts.

Then I opened a desk drawer that I hardly ever go in and found this!

A great cure for depression. Okay, not a cure but I feel better than I did a little while ago. Plus it was only a few left and I ....ate.....every....last....one!!!

I love Brach's Maple Nut Goodies.

I love Tommy too when he's not hogging the pillow......just sayin.

Pictures of Last Weeks Cinammon Rolls

Finally, here are the pictures from last weeks post about my homemade cinammon rolls. I think they look pretty darned good considering. Plus they were yummy which just makes it all better. I'm off to study some more. What did I do with my life prior to enrolling in school???????

A Medical Rant (Caution-Bad Language may ensue)

I am VERY, VERY upset tonight at that doctor that treated my spouse while he was in the hospital undergoing treatment for his recent heart attack. Upset does not even begin to touch the surface of my anger and resentment. I got several calls from the facility that he lives in today with the final call telling me that this so called physician took him off of his psychiatric medications while he was hospitalized.

As anyone that knows me or is long time readers of this blog knows, Butch has had numerous hospitalizations dealing with the psychotic episodes that comes with his type of vascular dementia. He was in a half-way decent mental state when he was admitted due to his continuance on these medications.

This doctor upset me from the start due to his ignorance of dementia and his insistence that Butch was "competent" to make his own medical decisions. Just because one is having a good day and is able to state where they are and why they are someplace at that moment does not make them a competent individual. My husband has always been able to "present" fairly well and that is part of why I have had such a fight when it comes to his diagnosis. The facility that he lives in has seen first hand a rapid decline when he plummets into one of his psychotic episodes. They now understand, especially since they deal with him on a daily basis.

I fully intend to write a letter to the hospital and to the Medical Board of N.C. of my disappointment in how we were treated and what has ensued. Perhaps when Butch spirals into another episode, as I'm sure will happen, I will have to see if Dr. Williams is so hot to take another patient off of medications that they so desperately need. Maybe if Dr. Williams or his spouse has to deal with the anger outbursts, the hallucinations, the wanderings, the rantings, the violence, the peeing in a Coke machine because he thinks it's a urinal, the refusal to take a bath, the refusal to urinate or defecate in the toilet and the ensuing fight to get one cleaned up, then the bastard might change his mind.

I would be willing to bet my last dollar that that S.O.B. has never had to deal with anything remotely as a patient that is in the throes of a psychotic episode. Was Dr. Williams there when Butch was seeing little girls in pink dresses? Was he ever there when Butch swore that the facility had him out picking tobacco in a field with prisoners? Was he there when Butch thought that the facility had a plot to kill him and was killing other patients? Was he there when I had my spouse at a doctors office and he locked himself in the toilet and defecated on himself and smeared feces all over the bathroom? Where was he when Butch was almost kicked out of the facility due to aggressive and abusive behavior?

No!!! The bastard did not even have the common sense to order prior medical records from the same hospital that he was at and look at some of his prior hospitalizations. His thoughts were on dollars and cents. I nixed the idea of cardiac bypass surgery because his blood clotting disorder would potentially kill him or at the very least cause another stroke that could put him in a situation worse than he is currently in. Then they were all hot to do a stent. Once talking with his prior cardiologists it was revealed that stents were not an option and even if it were, that stents do not keep another heart attack from happening and they do not change the mortality rate. The only thing that Butch was concerned with during all of the recent hub-bub was that I had "kept him from going on a helicopter ride". What a freakin shame!!!!

You want to know what's wrong with our current system? It's that it is driven by money and not what is in the best interest of the individual patient. It's that those that are in the decision making process do not even have enough common sense to order medical records or read the ones that they do have. Doctors are not Gods and just because I didn't bend down and kiss his ass, he got pissed. Well baby, now I am pissed and there nothing worse than having me pissed off at you.

I am going to complete this letter and will post it here once I have calmed down and am able to put my thoughts together in a manner that will show that this bastard, at the very least, needs to be watched closely. How dare he do this? Yet again, another MD that thinks he will make the miraculous cure all for what has plagued us for the last 20 years. Dr. Williams, if I saw you on the street at this moment I would beat you into next week. You have come up against the wrong woman. I will pursue this matter and you will regret making the changes that you have made. May you rue the day that you ever threatened me.

How do beauty norms affect women and men differently? How have beauty norms affected you?

I feel that beauty norms affect men and women very differently, although the pressure is now gaining speed for men as well. Women are targeted from an early age as far as what is considered beautiful. Look at one of the most popular girls toy, the barbie doll. Barbie has dimensions that the average person can never obtain but that is what is marketed to our female children. They are also deluged with images of Disneys Princess line. What is this showing our children? That the outer appearance is everything?

Any person old enough to view television is also subject to the unrelenting Hollywood images of media stars. For me, the most frustrating is to see the media hop all over women that have recently given birth and expecting them to be able to walk out the door looking as if they have never been pregnant. If there is the least image of the inevitable pooch in the tummy area, snide comments are made. Honestly, how many women are ever able to look the way they did prior to pregnancy? There might be a lucky few, but most at the minimum have a few stretch marks and the majority will never see their pre-pregnancy body again.

Men are not held up to the same standard. For men, gray hair signifies maturity and intellect. For women, you are just getting old. Weight is the same. Men that are overweight may be called portly or stout but women are fat and lazy. There is a great disparity between the way the sexes are treated. However, I am seeing the pressure more and more for men in the number of ads for body washes, hair care, hair removal and mens grooming products.

I feel that it has personally affected me, especially when it comes to weight. I used to weigh much more than I currently do. When I was heavier, I noticed that I was treated differently, especially by men. Now that I am thinner, I find that men are more apt to open doors, smile at me and overall treat me in a nicer way. When I was heavier, I think I was taken more seriously but now I get the "fluff" words such as sweetheart, honey, baby and the like. Even my husband treats me differently. When I am thinner, he is more apt to act like he is showing me off yet on the other hand he is much more jealous. He will question my every move and will bristle at the slightest when some other male shows me the least amount of attention.

There is a part of me that thinks that all of this is really immaterial, yet I continue to "buy" into the very conditioned response of keeping my hair colored, using the appropriate make-up to cover any imperfections and trying to keep my weight at a certain level. Yes, it is good to be healthy, but honestly I do it less for health and more for image. I will admit that. I also find myself judging others my age. Just this week, my mother and I were discussing a lady on the latest "Biggest Loser" television show. She is 49 and I am 46. My mother and I were just talking about how she looks "older" than her age and how hair color would make her look so much better. How shallow we can all be. Who am I to judge someone else? I do not know her situation, yet I was concerned that I looked that old.

Beauty is not just on the outside. It is on the inside as well. It would do us all good to keep that in mind and not judge on looks alone. I will try to remember that the next time that I make an opinion on the way that someone appears. I don't like it when someone does it to me and I should make a conscious effort not to do it to others.

It's late and I'm eating a ham sandwich...

Here I am again, 1:01AM eating a ham sandwich and drinking a Coors Light. What a girl!! I just finished my Chapter 5 exam in medical terminology and I got a 98. Whew!! I sweated that one. Took the quiz earlier in the night and made an 87 and freaked out. That is just not acceptable. Went back over everything, and considering that this chapter was on the digestive system that was a lot! Think of everything from the mouth to the end(I'm trying to say this nicely here) and you've got the digestive system. Damn!! It's just too much stuff. I was about in tears and my friend, Kathy, called and she kind of put things into perspective. As she said, an 87 is nothing to complain about so I went ahead and dived into the exam. It was much easier for the most part and I pretty much sailed through it. Geez! I just peeked at Chapter 6 and it is more of the digestive system and additional suffixes. I can't believe there could be more. My head hurts! I already have in excess of 600 note cards with medical terms, prefixes and suffixes. I hate to see my stacks of note cards by the end of this course. I already feel like whenever I get a minute, I'm flipping those cards and quizzing myself. Enough of that for the night. I can't think about anymore right this minute. Part of me wants to just dive right into the next chapter but I don't think I should. I would be up for the rest of the night. Not a good idea since I have to work tomorrow.

I did have a pretty nice weekend. I made from scratch cinnamon rolls and they turned out pretty good. I got the recipe from Our Best Bites and it was much easier than I anticipated. I had not made any type of bread in forever. When Jessica was little, I used to do that kind of thing quite often, but anymore I just don't find the time or I know that Jessica can't eat it(she has now lost 72lbs)and I don't want to tempt her. I so enjoy cooking but I much prefer the enjoyment of watching someone eat something that I have made. I guess I'm like my dad that way, all of his animals are on the chunky side(let's be honest, they are obese)and for some reason I equate food with love. I have pictures but have not downloaded them to the computer. I will try to post them if I ever get them uploaded. Fat chance, huh?????

Butch was transferred back to the facility on Friday from the hospital. It took them(the doctors) a while to get his clotting time back up again but it finally got to where it needed to be and he was released. Hopefully, things will stay quiet there, at least for a little while. His birthday is coming up on October 1 so I'm trying to decide how to work out a visit on his birthday. Jessica and I talked about it and I know he loves his weekend visits but I can't do a visit this weekend and then turn around and go back on Thursday for his actual birthday. I think we are just going to go down that day and take him out for dinner. Hopefully he will be okay with that. Plus I have my midterm exam due by the 3rd so that will give me all of this coming weekend to study without having to break up my concentration time. I know that sounds terribly bitchy but I have to put my classes first. This is going to be my livelihood and I have to keep that in the forefront of my mind. He was my priority for a very long time and I'm not saying he isn't now, but I am going to have to put myself first and sometimes as a mom and wife that is hard to do.

I did find out my last grade on my womens studies class which was an "A". So, I have an "A" average in that class, an "A" average in medical terminology and my English class will start a week from tomorrow. Two weeks after that my Developmental Psychology class starts. I just want to get ahead in the Medical Terminology class and the womens studies class so that I don't stress too much when these begin. Okay, I'm even laughing at myself right now. I already sit down and study everyday as it is. I can't imagine loading the next two classes on top. I will do it though. Ten more weeks, ten more weeks, just keep repeating that. It's a shame that I'm already counting down toward the end of the semester. I'm not in rush for it, because then Christmas will be staring us in the face and I don't even want to think about that. (Hint!!! If anyone reading this wants to give me a gift, I really, really want Lowes gift cards. This is for my mom and anyone that wants an idea, not for any readers otherwise. I don't need more stuff, I want Lowes gift cards for future home improvement projects)

I did get a nice surprise from our electric company today. I got my bill and when I opened it, it read $0.00 balance due. I couldn't believe my eyes, and when I started looking closer, apparently at some point I had to have a deposit and I guess some benevolent god decided to look down upon me and thought that I sure could use that money. So, the deposit was applied to the credit and I even have an extra $96 to go toward next month. That was wonderful as I have taxes due on the house and I was sweating that one a little. Now that I don't have an electric bill, the taxes will be much easier to swallow. Death and taxes, that never ending saga.......you just can't escape either one.

Look for a post on either Wednesday night or Thursday. This weeks discussion paper is on "How do beauty norms affect women and men differently? How have beauty norms affected you?". Should make for an interesting topic. Any comments from any readers in advance is certainly appreciated. I have some thoughts of my own but additional input is always nice. Plus, I just get all excited anytime that I see a comment. It's a nice feeling to know that someone out there is reading. I try to comment on those blogs that I read as well. I also enjoy "meeting" new people. I know that I have readers from my sidebar, but I'm still a comment crazed person. Just can't help it. I'm going to try to go to bed and sleep. Wish me luck!!

Different ways that men and women communicate

First, I feel that women and men at times communicate very differently. I think that women tend to express their feelings more and men tend to want to come right to the point and "solve" the problem and have a completion to the issue that they may be discussing. Females are raised that they are supposed to be the caregivers and nurturers and that is perhaps why feelings come into such a play when they are communicating. Women get their feelings out by talking to others, whether it be their significant other or their friends.

Men are raised to solve problems and therefore they want to "cut to the chase", so to speak, and not beat around the bush. They want to identify what the issue is, come to an agreement, resolve the problem and move on.

I am not saying that this is always the way that it works, but I know from experience with my two children that I have to communicate with them very differently. For example, when my daughter Jessica and I talk, we talk about how we are feeling, why we are feeling the way we do, then we discuss and rehash the issue that we are talking about. At that point, we can usually come to some type of agreement about what we are going to do. We usually discuss things several times before we come to a resolution.

With my son, Lewis, I communicate differently. Just this week, I talked to him about his future career aspirations. I have concerns that he is stuck in a rut due to being comfortable. I had talked to him about a job prospect just the other day. He really did not say much to me one way or another. I read this chapter and thought about it for a few days and again this afternoon I decided to talk to him about this issue again but in a different way. I asked him if he was happy with where he is currently employed. I worded my question in such a way that it could not be a simple yes or no. I then asked him if perhaps he did not want to change because he was afraid of the unknown. That seemed to do the trick as then he expressed to me that it is very hard for him to make change and that it scares him. We then discussed a worst case scenario and what would happen if he was unhappy. When he could see that he had options, as one always does, then he seemed to understand the motivation behind my desire for him to find a career that he will be happy with. Had I not taken the time to word my question differently, I may not have ever found out what his fears were.

As far as how different ways of communicating affects our relationships, I think that sometimes one has to learn to truly "listen" to what the other is saying. Not just listen, but also watch and take the time to really be able to understand and contemplate how the other person is feeling. Personally, I know that I am someone that wants to be touched and be reassured that the person listening to me "gets" what I am saying. If I don't think that the person communicating with me is doing that, I tend to get angry and defensive. Perhaps we all need to take the time to step back and think before we speak and jump to conclusions.

Although, it was fairly shorter than my others papers, this was the end of my paper this week. I still have not received my grade on my paper from last week. I did get a 98 on my Chapter Four medical terminology exam. I am now off to study some more.

Heart Attack

Butch had a heart attack last Wednesday evening. We got the call around 10:15 or so. Jessica and I met with his doctors last Friday. After a lot of discussion of which I will not recount all on here, it was decided to treat him medically. I knew going into this that this is the best option. We have been down this road before in 1996. Butch was told at that time that stents or cardiac bypass surgery was not an option for him due to his blood clotting condition. The dementia just adds a whole new wrinkle to the scenario as dementia patients never come back to where they were prior to anesthesia. Apparently, anesthesia slows the brain down and it will cause a marked increase in mental decline.

I am frustrated yet again by how I am treated by the medical establishment. I feel like we are always judged because I am fifteen years younger than Butch and it is even more apparent now. It's not like I have only been married to him for a few years. It has been twenty years for heavens sake! I seem to always have to explain things that I really feel is no ones business except mine. For example, I am always asked why he is in NC and not closer to home. Then I launch into my explanation of how I couldn't find a bed in a locked unit that was available any closer to my home and I happen to think he has excellent care where he is at and would not get that kind of care in any of the facilities that are near me. I have explained his care in a prior post and how well he is treated in the facility that he is currently in. Also, once a dementia patient is settled, it can be detrimental to move them and change their situation. It took us a long time for him to get comfortable where he is and I'm not going to change things when I know he is getting wonderful care.

I don't know, maybe I'm overly tired and sensitive tonight. I just feel like I'm forever battling everyone and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to walk away and have some other kind of life. I want peace. I'm tired of explaining the decisions that WE have made over the years. Some things have been in place for a long time like his DNR, also known as a Do Not Resuscitate order. Butch and I talked about this and he signed it back in 1996. We were told then to go home and prepare for the worst. That is what we were told. That is what we did. Now I get questioned about it. I know that questioning is their job, but I just get very frustrated having to explain the same things over and over especially when I don't really feel like anyone is listening. Every new doctor that comes on his case thinks he is going to save the day and it's not like we haven't been battling all of this for almost twenty years. Believe me, if there was a miracle out there I sure haven't found it and it's not for lack of looking.

Well, it is 12:47AM and I either need to get some sleep or get back to studying. I guess I will try the sleep option. If that doesn't work, I can always get back up. I will post tomorrow(or tonight if you want to get technical) as to how my Chapter 4 test goes.