Heart Attack

Butch had a heart attack last Wednesday evening. We got the call around 10:15 or so. Jessica and I met with his doctors last Friday. After a lot of discussion of which I will not recount all on here, it was decided to treat him medically. I knew going into this that this is the best option. We have been down this road before in 1996. Butch was told at that time that stents or cardiac bypass surgery was not an option for him due to his blood clotting condition. The dementia just adds a whole new wrinkle to the scenario as dementia patients never come back to where they were prior to anesthesia. Apparently, anesthesia slows the brain down and it will cause a marked increase in mental decline.

I am frustrated yet again by how I am treated by the medical establishment. I feel like we are always judged because I am fifteen years younger than Butch and it is even more apparent now. It's not like I have only been married to him for a few years. It has been twenty years for heavens sake! I seem to always have to explain things that I really feel is no ones business except mine. For example, I am always asked why he is in NC and not closer to home. Then I launch into my explanation of how I couldn't find a bed in a locked unit that was available any closer to my home and I happen to think he has excellent care where he is at and would not get that kind of care in any of the facilities that are near me. I have explained his care in a prior post and how well he is treated in the facility that he is currently in. Also, once a dementia patient is settled, it can be detrimental to move them and change their situation. It took us a long time for him to get comfortable where he is and I'm not going to change things when I know he is getting wonderful care.

I don't know, maybe I'm overly tired and sensitive tonight. I just feel like I'm forever battling everyone and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to walk away and have some other kind of life. I want peace. I'm tired of explaining the decisions that WE have made over the years. Some things have been in place for a long time like his DNR, also known as a Do Not Resuscitate order. Butch and I talked about this and he signed it back in 1996. We were told then to go home and prepare for the worst. That is what we were told. That is what we did. Now I get questioned about it. I know that questioning is their job, but I just get very frustrated having to explain the same things over and over especially when I don't really feel like anyone is listening. Every new doctor that comes on his case thinks he is going to save the day and it's not like we haven't been battling all of this for almost twenty years. Believe me, if there was a miracle out there I sure haven't found it and it's not for lack of looking.

Well, it is 12:47AM and I either need to get some sleep or get back to studying. I guess I will try the sleep option. If that doesn't work, I can always get back up. I will post tomorrow(or tonight if you want to get technical) as to how my Chapter 4 test goes.