Help me, please!!! I can't afford to die.....

You heard me right. I simply cannot afford it. It costs too much to die. Of course, those that read yesterdays post know that I spent the afternoon pre-arranging funerals. WOW!!!! What an eye-opener. Bottom figure from opening the grave to the laying of the marker total price is $9300 and that is good for 60 days. Oh, and that is when you already own the plots. Trust me. I was my good old tightwad self in there. The casket was the third cheapest offered. The vault, which is required in our area was the second cheapest. This is for a grave side ceremony with only limited viewing. Nothing spectacular, no limos, no extras, just bare bones(sorry for the bad pun) cheap and what will there be to show for it? It's a good thing that Butch and I had had this conversation about what he wanted because otherwise he may have gotten the Janice version of just a cremation and hand me over in a cardboard box which is $1500. That still galls me to no end and hopefully I can find someone that I can donate my body to and save even more money. Hey, I will be dead, I won't know and sure won't care!

I know I sound like a bitch but for petes sake. That is almost two years of tuition for Jessica at college. That could be a decent used car for us as our cars are 14 and 17 years old. Gee, my heating system is fifty-two years old(yes, it is the only one in my neighborhood that is original) and every year when I do light it, which is only when I run out of wood to burn in our wood stove insert, I say a quick prayer that A) it will light, and B) it will not blow up and I'm not even religious. That money would put a new heating and air conditioning system in the house. I get a $1 yogurt parfait at McDonald's some mornings. Let's say I get three a week, that would pay for my yogurt parfaits for almost SIXTY FRIGGIN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!! I know, I know, you can't really hear the humor in my typing, but trust me, I'm really being humorous here because it's just the way that I deal with things.

Poor Mr. Miller at the funeral home. I had him soooooo confused. Here I was, wandering around the casket samples making some really bad jokes. He just wasn't there in my frame of mind and didn't get it. I guess he just usually has the grief stricken family and in be-bops me making price comparisons and asking if they have a secret underground tunnel under the boulevard that they send the bodies through to their crematorium across the street. I know, sick! He must have finally got it though because just before I left, he stopped and told me that actually they had thought an overhead tube would work to send the bodies over but they didn't think the neighbors would have liked it. See, the crematorium was formerly a Bank of Virginia, therefore you know those tubes you send your deposits in at the bank, well that's where that one came from. I guess he understood me more than I realized.