My Life or Something Like It

So much to catch up on, but first........

2010-06-24T15:36:00.003-04:00

Yes, I’ve been gone for a while. Nothing major, but between working 46 hours plus a week and taking three college classes and still running to North Carolina every other weekend, I just didn’t have the umphh to post.

I have been wanting to, but have been enjoying the scaled back hours now that tax season is over, and couple that with taking NO classes for the summer semester, and it breeds for one very lazy person.

However, my love for blogging has not left. So many times in the last month I have thought that I really needed to sit down and write something. Catch things up. The Yahoo support group for caregivers of those with Alzheimer’s and dementias gave me a reason to today. The Barry Peterson, CBS corrspondent interview about his wife with early onset Alzheimer's. Here it is. They are well worth the time to watch.

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Talk about the tears flowing........Oh, how well I understand. The most striking quote to me was this one "A friend calls it grieving, like saying goodbye by going to the same funeral over and over again." That is how I feel almost all the time. Still. It. Never. Ends.

I will post again shortly with all of the changes that have happened over the last six months. Most were good.

To My Darling Daughter, Jessica

2010-01-29T12:06:00.004-05:00

Twenty years ago this morning was, and will forever be, the best day of my life. It was the day that you, my precious daughter Jessica, were born. Everyone that knew your daddy and I, knew that today was the day that we had dreamed of ever since we first met. You were the catalyst that brought us together. Our hopes of a future, with children, was our dream from the beginning.

I remember the evening that your dad and I first discussed children. We were not even dating. We were just friends. He was telling me how much he loved babies, and how he had always wanted one. He felt that it was something that would never happen for him. I remember looking at him and saying, “If we were together, we would have had several by now”. That my darling, was the day that I think he saw me in a new light. Soon after, we began to date.

You are everything that we could have ever hoped and wished for and more. I look at you, and I see so many others in you, that make up who you are today. When you are shy, I see my dad, your Grandfather Clyde. Your habit of doing things immediately, and not procrastinating comes from Nanny (my mom). Your patience, from your Me-Maw (Butch’s mom), and of course your stubbornness, from both sides of the family. You got that quite honestly. Sometimes, that is a good thing.

From the moment I first peered into your eyes, you were everything that I ever wanted in life. My darling daughter, daddy and I love you and will always love you. No matter what the future brings, please be secure in that knowledge. You have made all of our dreams come true.

We love you Jessica,
Mom and Dad

Grace is NOT my middle name!

2010-01-21T15:58:00.004-05:00

Two years ago, we remodeled our bathroom, and when we did I had the contractor put in a detachable shower head with a six foot long hose so that I could easily spray the tub walls down when I got out of the shower, which I do everyday. I also had him install it a little higher because I hate a shower head that is right there at the top of ones head. Anyways, here is a pic of the shower head.

Well, this morning I sprayed down the walls after bathing as usual and must not have placed the shower head back in the holder correctly because it fell, SPLAT!!!, right across the bridge of my nose and I think I saw stars. Jessica heard the commotion and came rushing in. She promptly looked at me and said "Oh my gosh Mom, you're bleeding!!! Ohhhh, I think I'm gonna get sick!". She helped me out of the shower, we got ourselves together and went to the Patient First.

One examination, five x-ray views, some steri-strips, and one tetanus shot later, here I am being chauffeured home.

Here is another view with my black eye starting to really show.

Now, it is eight hours later and I have one good black eye, one kind of black eye, and a lovely knot in the middle of my nose. I look like I went a few rounds in the boxing ring.

Note to ones self. DO NOT fight with the shower head, the shower head will always win.

By the way, my middle is Louise, not Grace.

Christmas Cookies

2009-12-21T19:42:00.003-05:00

On Friday evening, December 10th, my very good friend, Pam, invited me over to her house to have a mad cookie baking night. We ended up making several different types and Pam gave me a new recipe for the coup de grace, oreo cookie truffles. When I brought them home, Lewis proceeded to rename them "crack balls" because he said they were as addictive as crack.(not that he would know anything about that but, anything that I make that he absolutely loves is called "crack" whatever, as in the hash brown casserole that I make every holiday is AKA "crack potatoes". Anyone with a teenage boy will understand how they rename EVERYTHING!!!)

Here are a few pics of that night. Please excuse my hair. I must have gotten bedhead when I pulled my scarf off my head.

Here I am rolling the easy pecan balls and getting them ready to go in the oven.

The finished product! They taste just like Pecan Sandies. YUM!!!!

Here I am again spooning out the haystacks. These were okay, but I doubt I will make them again. They did get consumed, but let's be real. If it's chocolate covered it's a done deal in my house.

Finally, Pam with the be all to end all, Oreo Cookie Truffles!! After making these together I know I made at least 6 dozen more in the days leading up to Christmas. Jessica even made them using Sugar Free Oreos. They were mostly consumed before they even made it to the cookie tins.

So, just in case anyone wants to know how to make these delectable goodies here is the recipe! Enjoy!

I Think I've Ate Too Much Chocolate.....

2009-12-10T23:35:00.004-05:00

and my tummy hurts. I've ate and I've ate and I've ate tonight. Ooooooh!!!!! I'm going to get sick, I think.....

Jessica is getting all of this awesome candy from work. "Ms. I've lost 79lbs" won't eat it. She sure doesn't get her willpower from me. The issue is, she brings it home and gives it to Lewis and I. Lindt Double Chocolate Truffles, Ferrero Rocher Chocolate Hazelnut Candies, Hershey's Dark Chocolate Bars, and the list goes on......

It started with dinner. I fixed Sloppy Joes. Slack I know, but I had the first one and gosh, I hadn't had a Sloppy Joe in ever so long and it was sooooooo good.

So I ate another.........

and, uh, I ate another.........

and I ate a Hazelnut Candie.....

and another.......

and a Hershey's Dark Chocolate......

and another......

and a Lindt truffle......

and another.....

and another.....

I think I'm gonna get sick. I don't eat much chocolate......really.......ask anyone that knows me.......I don't.

Boy, I sure know how to go overboard.

My last final is Saturday. So is Jessica's. We are going at 9AM. Phew, one semester down. I can't look forward, it all seems too far away. I can only look at right now. I definitely have three "A"'s, I'm hoping for a fourth, but will probably get a "B". I'm happy with that. Signed up for all of my classes for next semester and already ordered my books and will pick them up Tuesday. So has Jessica. We did not procrastinate this time. Unlike my last paper I wrote Monday night, at the last minute. Plus, I changed my mind three times about the subject. That's why I hadn't wrote in a week. I just didn't have it in me. I had six papers due since Thanksgiving.

See, I overdosed on papers too, not just chocolate....excuses...excuses....

Jessica thinks she has 2 "A"'s and 2 "B"'s. She will officially be in her Sophomore year in January. One year down for her.

I think it would be kind of cool if I can catch up with her, and maybe we can finish together.

Maybe looking forward isn't such a bad thing. Maybe you have to eat too much chocolate sometimes to remember when to say enough. Maybe you can't appreciate the good times if you didn't have bad to make them good. Make sense????

Nah, doesn't to me either. I think what I'm trying to do is justification. Oh well, it's Christmas time, that's justification enough.

A MeMe Tag and A Big Thank You!

2009-12-03T11:32:00.005-05:00

Over the last few months I have picked up a few new blog followers. One of those followers has been especially supportive, leaving comments and tagging my blog of which I am very appreciative. Jennifer, I want to thank you for being so kind. I should probably come out to Oklahoma and help you clean your house or something nice, but if you could see mine then you would know that housework isn't my strong suit. It's like my mom always says, "your dad didn't marry me for my cooking skills (said with a wink!)". Butch may have married me for my cooking skills (he went from a 32 waist pants to a 42) but he didn't for my housekeeping skills. Oh well, we all have our faults.

Anyways, a few weeks ago Jennifer wrote this post tagging me. At that time, I was too preoccupied with the biopsy deal to respond. Now I am catching up.

5 Things Meme

5 Things I was Doing 10 years Ago:

1. Working as Claims Rep/Customer Service Analyst for TRICARE
2. Organizing a Christmas food drive at work for the needy and without thinking drove into THE worst neighborhood in Portsmouth to deliver to a family. I'm talking, this development was so bad that the ambulance wouldn't go in there without a police escort. I just didn't think about it until I was already there, and my car was surrounded by these great, big guys (who were probably a bunch of drug dealers) wanting to know what I was doing in their neighborhood. I explained why I was there, and they helped me carry the food in to the family. When I left and pulled out into traffic, I immediately burst into tears. Butch was terribly angry with me for not thinking and going there at all. Oh well, I was doing a good deed.
3. Mom to a 9 year old! Gee, where has all the years went?
4. Still missing one of my best friends, Gwen, who had moved back to Georgia the year before. I still look out my kitchen window and wish she was back across the street.
5. Ten years younger(36) and on the downside to forty, not fifty!!!

5 Things On My To-Do List Today:

1. Go to my last English class!!!! YIPEE
2. Stop by the grocery store for borax and bread.
3. Read two more chapters of my Developmental Psychology book. BLAH
4. Get more wood in from the backyard to inside the house. It's supposed to get cold this weekend and I still haven't turned on the gas to my furnace yet.
5. Fix the Christmas tree lights that Jessica hooked up too many on one circuit and blew a fuse somewhere. I'm not gonna complain, because she did put the tree up and decorate it.

5 Snacks I Love:

1. Montery Jack and Jalapeno cheese with crackers
2. Fritos
3. Brach's Maple Nut Goodies
4. Kraft sliced cheese
5. Ham & Cheese sandwich

5 Things I Would Do If I Were A Millionaire:

1. Buy the new 2011 Mustang in Black.
2. Pay off all our debts and my loved ones too
3. Not work, but I would volunteer.
4. Travel
5. Set up a scholarship fund for college for older women that are returning to get their degrees

Isn't this just a sweet car!!!! Oh, I could see myself getting all kinds of tickets in this baby!!!

5 Jobs I’ve Had:

1. Electrician
2. Medical Insurance Clerk
3. Medical Claims Analyst
4. Medical Claims Trainer
5. Tax Preparer

5 People I Tag: (That I know will respond)

1. Sarah
2. Lisa
3. Katie
4. Meagan
5. Curvy

How Can One Truly Study.....

2009-11-30T23:17:00.004-05:00

When their cat is intent upon helping? When I am at home my cat, Tommy, is somewhere close by. When I go to bed at night, he is either on my pillow being a pig, with his paw touching my face, or under the covers fighting with the dog on who gets to sleep closest to me.

When I study, he is right besides me, or on my lap trying to push my book out of my way, or trying to sit on the laptop. Tonight he kept trying to grab my pen with his mouth and yank it out of my hand.

Notice his paw on my arm.....

You just can't get any closer than this!

Right now he is draped over my shoulder. Crazy cat!!!

A Lot To Be Thankful For!

2009-11-24T20:27:00.006-05:00

I had the biopsy on Friday and got the call today. IT WAS BENIGN!!!! I am so grateful and words can't even begin to describe the relief I felt. When I got the call, I was told that Dr C wanted to speak with me, which of course made me EXTREMELY anxious, but she got on the phone and explained what the findings were and I immediately cried. I just couldn't help it. There are a few other issues that I have, namely lymph nodes all over that are enlarged, so I will be following up with my hematologist/oncologist, Dr. D for that. I already see her every six months due to an another ongoing issue, so that is not really a big deal. The mass in my breast may have to come out at some point, especially if it continues to grow, and I will be monitored every six months with additional mammograms and ultrasounds. That is okay. I can handle those and at least I know that Dr. C will be following those findings. I will say this. If I ever have to have another biopsy, the next time I will insist on being knocked out. This deal of having a biopsy while being awake, sucked, if I may put it so bluntly. I won't go into any great detail, but uncomfortable was putting it mildly.

On another note, Jessica and I went to see Butch yesterday and he is stable. He had a cardiologist appointment and since he hasn't had any more problems with chest pains and his heart, we are going to stay on the path that we are currently on, which is medication management. He is back on his anti-psychotics and is doing as well as to be expected. Since we were there yesterday, we are not going down for Thanksgiving. Two trips in one week is just too much. We didn't usually spend Thanksgiving together anyways, as when he was able, he was usually with my dad hunting in years past. We will be going down on December 5th, since the facility is having a covered dish luncheon for the residents and their families to celebrate the holiday. We will also go down on Christmas morning to exchange gifts and we will probably go out to eat at the local Chinese restaurant there in town, since that is the only place open on Christmas day. I guess that will be our new tradition, Chinese on Christmas but that is the way it is. I am just grateful that Jessica will have her dad one more Christmas.

Jessica and I made a pact on the way home yesterday, and that is that we will be spending more time focusing on the simple things that Christmas brings. I guess it's like my favorite holiday special says in The Grinch That Stole Christmas (the original, of course)

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." - Dr. Suess

That will be our focus this year. It's not about money, it's not about stuff, it's about the people you love and what's in your heart. One night we will set aside to go out and look at lights on people's homes, like we used to when I was little, and when Jessica was little. Another day, we will set aside to make Christmas goodies, and yet another, we will watch all the Christmas specials and movies that we love. I think we will sit around in our p.j.'s and drink eggnog and eat junk. But isn't that what the holidays are all about? Watching Christmas Vacation, The Grinch That Stole Christmas, A Christmas Carol, and my all time favorite, It's A Wonderful Life.

Anyways, we have everything we could ever truly desire. We have each other. We may not have a lot of money, but we have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, and food in our tummies, which is a lot more than others. We have family that loves us and we love them. It may not be what some would call normal, but what exactly is normal?

Sitting here tonight, I guess I'm a little nostalgic with what all has went on the last few weeks. I want simple. I want the box with nothing in it but a little love, and that's going to be our Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. My ham just came out of the oven in preparation for Thursday, Jessica just told me I'm the best mommy in the whole wide world and I got the best news from Dr. C. What more can one ask for?

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

P.S. Thank you to everyone that had us in their thoughts and prayers. I received so many comments, calls, emails, and cards that it makes one stop and realize how many people that they truly have that care about them. A special thank you to my mom and my childhood best friend, Janet, who was there in the waiting room while undergoing my biopsy. I couldn't have been as brave without you both. I love you. To my brother, Scott, thank you for listening. You always understand. Again, I love you all! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

U.S. Preventive Services Task Force and new Mammogram Recommendations

2009-11-18T00:38:00.008-05:00

As reported on the news yesterday, the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force has recommended reducing mammograms for women under 50. Here is the link for the full article. Here is another link for the members of this task force and their credentials.

Obviously, with what I am currently going through, anything that I can possibly say about this will be skewed by my own personal experience. I do have some questions, since I see from doing a quick online search tonight, that this is turning into a firestorm with the recent health care debate.

1. Who appointed this task force and when? The findings that I keep coming up with is this is not a group that is appointed by the government. Yet another link here. Maybe it's late and I'm just damned confused.

2. How long has this study been going on?

3. From reading tonight, the same data has been used by several different groups besides the government task force with different opinions. Why is the task force coming to a different conclusion than the American Cancer Society considering that they both used the same studies and data? Here is the link concerning this.

4. Will this same task force look at other screening procedures and will they be making further recommendations over all?

Gosh, is it more expensive to pay a little for early detection or perhaps pay more when it is full blown metastasized cancer? How about the human loss to families?

I guess since I'm under 50 I should just suck it up and not worry about what's in my right breast. Of course today, I have been optimistic. Yesterday, was a different story as I posted then. I suddenly feel like I'm bipolar since I have been playing the waiting game. One minute up, next one down. From what I have heard, this is normal. Would I say that it's been stressful? HELL YEAH!!! Gee, I would rather have the stress and know, than to have stuck my head in the sand and not know.

Please, please, please comment me and let me know your thoughts!!! I don't care if you disagree, I am fine with that. Where do you stand on this issue?

Edited to Update:

This post helped a lot. Another good link was here. I couldn't have said anything any better. Explains how the stats were used. Considering that in the U.S. there are 74,281,974 women between the ages of 25 to 64 as of the 2000 census and three percent of women will potentially NOT be diagnosed that figure would be 2,228,459. I guess 2 million plus people just arent' worth it, huh?

It's been one month and I am MAD!!!

2009-11-16T13:01:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning, not in the best of moods. I wasn't really sure why, but deep down I must have known.

It was another night of not being able to sleep. At 1:00AM, I finally broke down and took an Ambien to try to get some sleep. It worked for approximately five hours. That is about as long as it lasts anymore. 6:41AM and my eyes popped open. Lovely.

I didn't want to go to work. The sun is shining. I wanted to be at home and not stuck behind a desk. I know I'm whining, but I can't help it right now. I'm lucky to have a job. Any job. Really.

I'm mad that it's another week that I'm having to wait for an answer. Stupid rain storm. Stupid doctor's office that had to be in downtown Norfolk where it always floods.

I kept brooding and thinking. I do that too much. Think, that is.

I looked back on the blog to the day that I found out that I would have to see a surgeon for this lump. One month ago today. October 16th. I'm still waiting.....

If I was brave, I would take a razor blade and go in there myself. That's how bad I want to know. I want this thing out, like.....well yesterday.

Every twinge, every ache, I am afraid. Afraid that it is something ominous lurking around in my body. I try to keep my thoughts positive. It is hard to do when you are dealing with the unknown.

I don't know what else to say right now. I have a lot of school work that I could be doing. The semester ends in less than four weeks. I'm not doing it though. I should be writing a paper for English. I have three due this week. I'm procrastinating. I have a test in Medical Terminology tomorrow. I haven't even begun the chapter. It is on Oncology. Yeah, like I really want to do that one. I still have an "A" average in all four of my classes, for the moment at least.

I think when I get off work at 2:00PM, I will go home, change into some comfy clothes with no bra, and sit on my porch in the sunshine for a little while. Oh, that's right, I will definitely get some sun as Lewis had to completely cut down one of my Bradford Pear trees in the front yard. It looks weird without it.

I want sameness. I want my tree. I want an answer.

Storm Chasers

2009-11-12T19:18:00.013-05:00

Today I was woken up by a phone call from my work telling me there would be a 2 hour delay due the the storm. While I was on the phone I looked out the window to see what the damage was and I found this.

Yes, to my surprise one of our beloved trees was broken, it didn't completely fall down but it looks weird with what is left so Lewis will be cutting it down this weekend along with another tree in the back yard that doesn't look like it'll survive another bad storm.
Thankfully, about 20 minutes after receiving the first phone call I received a second saying that work would be closed for the day. Lewis and I figured since neither one of us had to work we would go exploring. Here's what we found!

Yes that is someone's backyard!

This is during low tide and normally little boats can go under that bridge!

Soooo glad this isn't our front yard!

Craziness!

This is a golf course!

There are FIVE FOOT DITCHES in front of those fences!

And last but not least..my best friend was on the way to get me so we could go to the store and she didn't realize that the water was about 5 foot deep. She called me freaking out and Lewis and I had to go rescue her. Thankfully once out of the water her van started up but it was still a very scary experience.
So as of 7:49pm the rain has stopped but the tide continues to roll in. The wind is somewhere between 50 and 70 mph. Lewis talked to his mother who lives about a block from my work and the power is out and the streets are still completely flooded. I'm crossing my fingers that we'll still be out of work tomorrow!

Our Weather

2009-11-12T16:06:00.006-05:00

If you haven't seen the national reports showing our local weather here in the Norfolk/Virginia Beach area, here is a little clip as to what is going on.
This is in the city I live in, Portsmouth. Jessica works in the area that is in this video. At the 1:31 time frame, that is filmed right in front of the law office she is employed at. You will see the big, white circular building that is right across the street. There is no way she could have got there today. As of right now, 4:10PM, we have had between 8"-13" of rain in the last 24 hours. High tide is coming in now and is expected to be at about 7.5 FEET above normal.

Jessica will be posting pictures here soon. One of our lovely Bradford Pears in our front yard has split and is down. Hopefully, this will be the extent of our damage.

Postponed

2009-11-12T12:54:00.003-05:00

Due to the inclement weather that we are experiencing here in the Hampton Roads area, my biopsy has been postponed another week. At this moment, I have nothing else to say. What I would like to do is throw a good old fashioned fit. It's not going to help anything though. I knew this was going to happen.

The way my luck runs, the friggin sun will be out in the morning.

Thank You!

2009-11-11T12:19:00.002-05:00

No matter what your political leanings, I think it's agreed that all of our veterans deserve a giant THANK YOU!!!

Go here to see some more of our four legged friends greet their human parents home from their military duty.

Forty Years Ago......

2009-11-09T21:30:00.004-05:00

I looked like this.......

and Sesame Street looked like this.......

Some things change but some things stay the same. Forty years ago, I was sitting in first grade at Dillwyn Primary School, Mrs. Dunnavent's class. A big television was wheeled in and my entire class got to watch the debut of a new children's show called Sesame Street. I had always enjoyed Captain Kangaroo (Bunny Rabbit was a personal fave) and Kukla, Fran and Ollie. This was certainly a new thing. Learning and t.v. all at the same time.

It was certainly different in those days of 1969. I was attending a school that was not yet intergrated. That would come in 1970. Virgina, and that particular part of the state was the last of the holdouts as far as that would go.

Girls had to wear dresses to school. Pants were only allowed on the coldest of days, and you had to take them off when you got to school, wearing them under your dress.

If you misbehaved, going to the principal could mean a tail whupping. I never got into trouble unless you counted the time that I slammed the classroom door and I had to stand there and open and close it fifty times correctly.

That was also the year that my teacher commented on my report card that I was not reading with "expression". Yeah, like what six year old does? I remember crying over the comment and in turn wanting to show that teacher that I could read with "expression". By the end of the school year I was the best reader in class. By my second grade year, I was the only child to be allowed to go to the library and pick out any and as many books that I wanted. Looking back, that comment really did me a favor. It broke my little six year old heart then.

Funny the things you never forget. Happy Anniversary Sesame Street!! You sure have aged well. Please let me in on your secret.

Two More Weeks

2009-11-04T21:26:00.003-05:00

Well, that's the news tonight. I have to wait another two more weeks for a more definitive answer.

I really liked Dr. C today. She was really to the point. She is a no nonsense kind of person and I respect that. To make a long story short, the breast biopsy is scheduled for next Friday, November 13th and along with the breast biopsy, she is also doing a biopsy of the lymph node under my arm. The lymph nodes are swollen, so I guess just in case, we will find out if there is lymph involvement instead of having to wait. I wish that it was this Friday, but she is going out of town until Monday and since she only does biopsies on Friday, well..............the 13th is the soonest.

Once the biopsies are complete, we then have to wait on the pathology report, which takes 3-4 business days. She said either herself or her nurse will be calling me. After working in the medical field, I already know that if I get the call from the nurse, the news will probably be good and if I get a call from Dr. C. well, the news will probably be not so good.

I'm trying to keep my spirits upbeat, but to be honest, it is hard. This waiting is driving me crazy. I had to break down last week and call my primary care M.D. for something for sleep. The lack of sleep was making things worse, so I did that, and got something for those nights when I'm still tossing and turning at 4AM. I also called today and asked for a refill of Lorazepam, an anti-anxiety med. I hate to use it, but I haven't had to in many months, and it's not like I depend on it all the time. It just helps take the edge off when I'm having one of those panicky moments that seem to hit quite unexpectedly.

So, that's where things stand tonight. Yes, I have had a few tears today. I'm sure I will have many more in the days to come. I just hate how things will be fine one moment, and I will have a little hiccup the next. I have been told this is normal. I want this over with, but no matter how much I push and stress, it is not going to change a darned thing. I may as well buckle up and hold on for the ride. Personally though, this is one ride where I want to shout "Please stop the car and let me out!!!" Guess I can't do that, huh? But I sure would like to.

Why???????

2009-11-04T09:59:00.004-05:00

If this is nothing like everyone keeps telling me it is, then why do I have to go see the breast surgeon???????

Can anyone please answer that one?

I can't even look forward to having my boobs played with by some hot, good looking guy. Dr. C. is a lady. Shoot!!! I just can't seem to catch a break.

I will update later with what I find out, although I don't think I will have any real answers today.

Which brings me back to again, why do I have to go?

Here We Go Again

2009-10-31T06:46:00.004-04:00

Well, it's 6:46AM and I'm blogging about my woes. I got a call from the facility this morning and Butch has been readmitted to the hospital with more chest pains. He was just in there in September with a heart attack. I am currently unaware if his enzyme levels are showing a heart attack or if it's just unstable angina. I don't know yet. I guess at this time, I don't know what road we are going down as far as a possible cardiac cath vs stent vs bypass. I can't keep letting this go on, so I will let the physicians make this decision. I do know it is dangerous with his blood clotting condition for him to have cardiac bypass and this can also effect his dementia. When his father had bypass many years ago, he suffered a stroke afterwards that left him in ICU for three months with many long term issues.

I feel very torn. I was just there yesterday, and spent the day with Butch. He seemed in a pretty good place for the moment, but I do see signs that we are getting ready to go back in a downward phase of his dementia. He is getting anxious and edgy. It's hard to explain unless you know him well.

As far as my upcoming appointment with the breast surgeon, I have just been counting down the days until I see her. My appointment is Wednesday, and no matter what, I can't put it off. I may have to depend on Jessica to be in N.C. with her dad if they do proceed with a surgical option. It will do both of us no good if I don't get some kind of an answer as far as whether or not these masses in my breast are benign or malignant.

I was just thinking last night about posting, but my mind has not been in a good place. I'm not making any plans for even next week, because I need to see what this is all going to bring. I have been trying to keep my thoughts positive, as I have read that 80% of biopsies are benign. I hope for once my luck will be good. Maybe I can manage to be in the 80% and not the other 20%.

Jessica herself, has been out of work since Tuesday. She was diagnosed with an Upper Respiratory Infection, which has since turned into bronchitis. I was afraid it might be the flu since she was not getting any better but when she went back to the doctor yesterday, they did do some blood tests and it is NOT the flu. Thank goodness! She has been miserable though and now Lewis has it too. That's what he gets for kissing on her when she is sick!

On a lighter note, when I went to NC yesterday, I took Lewis' sister, April, with me and her daughter Kaitlyn too. Kaitlyn always likes to see her "Uncle Butch" and she was as cute as ever. On the way down, we kept passing cotton fields and we were trying to explain to her about cotton. We told her that her clothes were made of cotton. I actually stopped at one point and ran out into a field and picked her a cotton boll so that she could see it. Later, at Wal Mart, we were strapping her in her car seat and she popped out with "My shirt is made of cotton candy!!" We got so tickled and said "Not cotton candy baby, just cotton, like on Q-Tips and cotton balls!" She is something else. I can't believe she is only going to be three next week.

Well, I'm going to try to lay back down and get a little more rest. Please send good thoughts my way this week. It going to be hard from all ends. I'm trying to stay positive, yet also prepare myself in case in doesn't turn out the way I want. Why can't life only bring one issue at a time? My shoulders are not quite broad enough to tote this load. I know, take it one step at time.

Our 100th Post - 100 Random Things About Us

2009-10-22T21:27:00.004-04:00

Jessica and I decided that an appropriate post for our 100th post would be 100 random things about us. The first 50 are about Jessica. Here they are!

· I’m left handed

· I love the Twilight series

· I have the mindset of a 40 year old

· I’m scared of heights but love roller coasters

· I have a tattoo of a pink lotus flower on my back

· I got my tongue pierced at 13

· I can be very shy

· I’d rather stay home and watch a movie then go out to a party

· My hair color is constantly changing

· I’m deathly afraid of spiders

· I’ve probably read the Harry Potter series 10 times

· I didn’t get my license until I was 19

· My favorite color is purple

· I’m constantly worrying about making other people happy

· As I’ve gotten older I’ve started to dislike mayonnaise

· I truly did hate school and I’m glad I can go to college online

· I made the dean’s list my first semester of college when I thought I was going to fail

· Lewis and I are like old Mr. and Mrs. Hubbard

· I want a Nikon D40 but I’m too cheap to buy it

· I cheered for 11 years and loved it. I quit because I couldn’t tumble.

· I could probably kill a super big gulp in 10 minutes

· I could eat cheesy spaghetti every day for the rest of my life

· I hate when people argue about politics

· I hate people who bash Obama, keep your opinion to yourself.

· Some people say Kaitlyn and I look alike as babies even though we aren’t related by blood

· I love my music loud

· I’ve never known what it was like to have a real family because my dad’s side sucks and my mom’s side is really small

· I’m the only grandchild/niece on my mom’s side

· My favorite Yankee Candle is “Good Morning” but it has been discontinued

· My favorite Disney movie as a child was the Little Mermaid

· I love reading MckMama and Snarkymommy

· I’ve already got my wedding planned in my head and I’ve even picked out the bridesmaid dresses on David’s Bridal. No we aren’t engaged.

· I met Lewis in art class my freshman year of high school

· My favorite show is One Tree Hill

· I love cloudy/rainy days

· I really don’t think I take good pictures

· I’m scared to grow up

· It doesn’t take much for me to cry

· I love arguing with debtors on the phone at work, it’s funny

· I hate being late

· I secretly pray my dad will either live or be in his right mind enough to walk me down the aisle one day.

· Sometimes I wish I was still in elementary school

· I have very bad anxiety around large crowds

· I love my middle name, Hope

· My daughter will be named after a character on One Tree Hill, Peyton Elizabeth

· Lewis and I each sleep with a big box fan in our faces

· I have green eyes

· I worry about my mom a lot

· I drive a 1996 Toyota Camry

· I’ll never understand why Jon and Kate are famous, they aren’t the only ones with eight kids.

Now fifty things random things about me!

- My middle name is Louise after my mom,Frances Louise, who in turn was named after her cousin, Mary Louise.

- The first blog that I started following was Adventures In Everyday Life

- I was attacked by a dog when I was three and can still vividly remember it. I was very afraid of dogs and that is why we didn't get a dog until six years ago. I finally relented and am very glad that I did. I love Kasey to pieces!

- I want one more fast car in my life. My dad had a variety of fast cars over the years (Chevelle Super Sport, Plymouth Road Runner, Pontiac GTO, Chevrolet Camaro)and nothing gets my pulse racing more than hearing an engine rev.

- I watch very little TV. Usually news shows.

- If I was gay, I would have a terrible crush on Rachel Maddow. I think she's hot and smart.

- I HATE tomatoes. Something about the texture grosses me out.

- I love fried liver and onions. If I go out to eat and it's on the menu, it's what I will order.

- I no longer drink soft drinks. They are waaayyy too sweet anymore.

- I was the youngest person in my high school graduation class. I skipped the eleveth grade and graduated a year early. I have never regretted it.

- I prefer to drive a stick shift over an automatic.

- I love dancing around to music. I always think of that quote from the movie Working Girl "Sometimes I sing and dance around the house in my underwear. Doesn't make me Madonna. Never will."

- My all time favorite movie is Gone With The Wind. I've seen it too many times to count. I know all of the lines before the characters say them.

- My favorite book is "The Stand" by Stephen King. I hated the movie though.

- My brother is also my bestest(I know, not really a word) friend. He was the first person I called last week when I was told I would have to see a surgeon. He also understood me when I said I suddenly have the desire to rip of my shirt and show my boobs to some random stranger. I know, I'm not right.

- Jessica is the one thing in my life that I am most proud of. It is an honor to be her mom.

- I am afraid of the day that I lose my parents. I once heard that you are never really an adult until they are gone. I can't imagine my life without them.

- I stress over everything.

- I smoke. I am going to try to quit though. I have quit several times in my life but it is a major stress reliever for me. I try to hide it though from most people. I probably would have choked someone if it hadn't of been for that at times.

- I love coffee. I drink a 24oz cup everyday. I use a half of a teaspoon of sugar and a generous dollop of half and half. I used to drink much more but had to cut back.

- I want to travel out west before I die. I want to go to Colorado. I want to go up on Loveland Pass. I have never been west of the Mississippi.

- I loved going to New York City! Went there six weeks before 9/11. Everyone should be able to go to New York at least once in their lives.

- When I was a little girl, I thought lightening bugs turned into fishing worms. My mom lied to me so that I would let the lightening bugs go and told me that they would go underground and turn into fishing worms(because I like to go fishing with my great-grandfather). I had just learned about caterpillars turning into butterflies, so I never questioned her. I was a dumb little kid.

- I love roller coasters. I hope I never get too old to ride them.

- I have three piercings in each ear but now only wear one earring in each ear.

- I have matching scars over each eyebrow. The left came from the dog attack, the right where two little boys were chasing me in first grade and I fell down on the rocks and split my eye open. I remember the school principal taking me to the doctor and getting it stitched up and on the way home, he had to stop by the bank and they gave me a lollipop.

- I didn't get braces for my crooked teeth until I was 18. I got them off at 20. Best $2000 I ever spent.

- I was 26 when I got married.

- I was 26 when I had Jessica

- I was always attracted to older guys. It was no surprise to anyone that I married Butch, who was 15 years older than me. I don't think I will ever get married again. One is enough.

- I'm funny about the way I do laundry. I always sort the clothes by color and then by whether or not they need to be washed in cold or warm water. I like to fold things in a particular way too.

- If I had a dream job it would be to help families of loved ones with dementia. I felt like I had to blindly find my way down this path until I met Susan with the Alzerheimers Association. I would like to repay her kindness by passing on what I have learned.

- I am very liberal. The older I get, the more liberal I get.

- I talk in my sleep.

- I can snap my toes.

- I am almost always late, but I am trying to get better. It drives Jessica nuts.

- I have a particular way that I load the dish washer. The dishes must be rinsed first. Everything has a certain place in there in a certain way. It has been hard letting Jessica take over the cleaning of the kitchen.

- I always shower, never take a tub bath.

- I had a pony when I was a little girl. I never got to ride him though because he was too mean and would bite.

- I can play the clarinet.

- I love the smell of wood smoke.

- I don't know what my hair color is anymore. I have been dying it since I was about twelve. I know there is gray there because I can see the roots. I think it's kind of mousy brown.

- I am not a religious person. At times I wish I was but truthfully I'm not. It doesn't make me bad though. I still celebrate religious holidays for the spirit behind them. It makes me mad when someone judges me because of this. If you are so Christian, then you shouldn't be judging others.

- I love looking at family pictures. It doesn't matter if I know the people or not, I find looking at pictures fascinating.

- I also like going through old cemeteries and reading the headstones.

- Butch and I never went to the movie theater together. I have only seen three movies in the theater in the last ten years. Two of them were Harry Potter movies.

- I have ran out of gas in my car over the years too many times to count. I have also locked my keys in the car once with the car running.

- I sing in the car to the music, really loud! I can't carry a tune though.

- I talk to myself, and I answer myself too. I know, it's a sign of a weird person.

- It was harder to come up with fifty things than I thought it would be!!! Phew! Over! Done!

Appointments, appointments, and more appointments

2009-10-19T13:23:00.004-04:00

The weekend was easier than expected. My mom and I went to see Butch on Saturday. No, we did not tell him anything as I don't want him to get agitated. It is just not necessary. I will tell him more as the need arises. I keep hoping that ultimately there will be nothing to tell. That's my story and for the moment I'm sticking with it.

I have had several calls this morning. Leslie, the breast care coordinator, called to set up my surgeons appointment. She called at 8:03AM and I was awake, but was still snuggling under the covers with Kasey. She is such a warm little dog!! I love her. Gave her the name of the doctor that was recommended, who by the way will only take you if you have never seen any other surgeon before because she doesn't fix other doctors screw-ups. The ball is now rolling. She called me back by 9:30AM to say that my appointment is for Wednesday, November 4. That is only a little over two weeks away. I was expecting something much further out, but I guess Leslie wanted me seen this week. Dr. C's(this is what I'm calling her for right now)office is putting me on a waiting list in case of any cancellations. Personally, I think if this things been lurking around in my body for two plus years, what's another two weeks, but anyway......that's where we are with that.

I have an appointment with an attorney for Friday afternoon. I need to get some personal things in order and this has made me want to get that ball rolling as well. Butch made some statements to me ironically this weekend that really got my mind whirling. Something to the effect of "well, if you died I would sell the house and Jessica would have to take care of herself". Can I just say WTF?!?!?!?! I know he isn't mentally competent, but still......I guess somewhere along the line the old issue of "Janice just wants your check" has been put in his mind and this popped out. First off, your so called check isn't enough to pay everything, that is why I have always worked. Furthermore, I also want to keep the house because it is my child's only home and I want her to have it one day. That's what I thought we worked for. Personally, I could walk out the door of that house and what I want out of it would probably fit in my car and his statement really, really pissed me off. I know it shouldn't, but it did, and coming on Saturday after Fridays news, it just threw me for a loop. Kind of one of those out of the blue statements. Soooooo, whatever assets that I do have, I want them to benefit my child. End. Over. Done. Enough said.

I get to see the dentist this afternoon for a routine teeth cleaning. Gee, one of my other favorite things in life. I guess I will put off that crown until after the first of the year. The money just won't be there, at least right now. Got the copays coming up for the looming surgery and so forth, so the tooth will have to wait until after tax refund time. That's ok though because I really wasn't looking forward to the crown and I think the filling is doing fine the way it is.

Other than that, I didn't do a whole lot this weekend. Went to a lovely 50th anniversary luncheon for a friend's parents at the Renaissance Hotel in downtown Portsmouth on the waterfront.

The weather sucked, but the room we were in(see pic) overlooked the river and it was cloudy and blustery, but all in all a nice afternoon. I guess that's one milestone I will never celebrate. Probably lucky to have made it to twenty. It made me a little nostalgic, but really it's not like my marriage was all wine and roses. Sometimes, that's what's so hard is that it's nice to be alone but then again there are times that I miss having someone else around to share things with. I guess you can't have it both ways, and maybe I'm just meant to be alone or alone with the kids, I should say. I like having grilled cheese, or ham and cheese sandwiches for dinner. I like not having to answer anymore about where I'm going or what I'm doing or how long I'm going to be. I like not having to cook dinner every night or feel like I'm responsible for somebody else's happiness. I'm just saying.....

So, that's where we are today. Tomorrow, I don't know. I am taking this one step at a time, one minute at a time for right now.

Fall is here!

2009-10-17T12:26:00.005-04:00

About a week ago Lewis and I kept Kaitlyn for the weekend and we decided something fun for her to do was paint a pumpkin for her Nana!

We had to take her shirt off otherwise the paint would have gotten on her new clothes! Thankfully it wasn't really cold yet.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2009-10-16T22:58:00.006-04:00

I am posting tonight with a heavy heart. I don't know what to say other than I found something a few weeks ago, which resulted in a visit to my physician. She ordered additional tests and they were performed today. After four and half hours in the Women's Center and five different sets of diagnostic mammograms and ultrasounds ending with the radiologist himself performing the last, I was told that I needed to see a surgeon. Yes, I have something that is not supposed to be there in my right breast. Ironically, it was not the lump that I first found, but another that was lurking much deeper and in a different part.

I am hopeful that it will all still turn out okay, but I also realize that I must put some type of a game plan in place in case it doesn't turn out how I want it to. I am scared. I have been up and down ever since I was called back the third time, while watching everyone else around me get the "All's good, you can leave now" spiel. Laying there on the fifth go round with the physician, I held back when he told me to get dressed and to meet him in his office. I knew what was coming. I knew the news was not good. Actually, even though I had thought I had prepared myself prior to going today, I just have been having a feeling that this was coming. I don't know why. I can't explain it. I wish I knew what made me feel this way.

I had wanted to post about this since I went to the doctor last week, but I had only told my daughter and my brother. I didn't want to worry anyone unnecessarily. It seems like ever since I went in, I have been surrounded by something daily about breast cancer. Duh!!! It is October, it is Breast Cancer Awareness month. What ever did I expect? I even had someone comment me on Facebook yesterday, who's wife is currently undergoing chemo for breast cancer. It prompted me to write him back and ask him why did he comment me now? Other than the initial invite, and I think I did comment him when he posted about his wife, we had had no contact. He said my profile had popped up and something just made him comment me. He was so sweet and kind to write back, especially considering he was home taking care of his wife yesterday. So Scott, if you are reading this, thank you and Andrea for taking the time and for announcing something so private, which was part of what prompted me to act when I did. Normally, I tend to push things like this to the back and not think that they are important. I'm glad I didn't stick my head in the sand this time.

I am fine AT THIS MOMENT!! Five minutes from now, I don't know. The tears keep coming at some very unexpected times. Why am I putting this out there? Well, maybe if I do, someone else will read it as well, and it may prompt them to not put off something that is so important. I haven't disclosed all of the details here and probably won't for the time being, but writing on this blog always makes me feel a little bit better. I know that I am not alone. I have Jessica and Lewis. I have my parents. I have my brother, Scott and his wife, Felicia. I have wonderful friends who love me. I also have friends that I have met online and who follow my blog. I love each and everyone of you from the bottom of my heart. I know in the coming weeks, that I may need you in different ways. Ways that I may not even be aware of right this minute, but I know that you are there.

This is a path that I never wanted to go down, but I must. I know the cure rate is good, so that makes me feel a little better. I know that I will be seeing an awesome breast surgeon. I have heard wonderful things about her and my hope is that in the end, it will be just a small bump in the road. I guess that is life. Those twists and turns, the mountains and the valleys. Last week I was up on a mountain, the highest point in West Virginia in fact. Here is a picture of me Sunday on top of Spruce Knob, elevation 4,683'.

Tonight, I am in the valley. I will be up on that mountain again. With that smile. I promise.

Cooking Fit

2009-10-14T23:09:00.004-04:00

I have been kind of slack in the posting department for the last two weeks due to midterms and the start of two more classes. I did have a slight cooking fit almost two weeks ago. Thought I would share a little about that burst of energy.

First, I went to my mothers on a Friday evening as her brother, my Uncle Lynn, was coming in with his wife, Jan, to see my mom. She had requested that I make my homemade chicken pot pie. I cheated a little by using a pre-cooked chicken, but she said it was still yummy. I didn't get a picture, but I did get a new camera that weekend, so therefore, I did manage to get pictures the rest of the weekend of what else I cooked.

I had been dying to try out another recipe from Our Best Bites which was the apple dumplings and were they ever easy and delicious!!!

They probably would have been better served with vanilla ice cream, of which I had purchased, but they were so tasty alone, the ice cream never made it out of the freezer. I don't really eat too many sweets, but I could have licked the platter on this one.

Later that afternoon, I got another crazy yen for homemade pizza. I have been on something of a roll/bread kick, so luckily I had some yeast and decided to try to make my own dough as well. I searched around online and found a 10 minute dough recipe and here is the finished product!

This pizza cost approximately $3.00 to make and it was so dense, one slice was extremely filling. I ended up eating two slices and freezing the remaining slices. The frozen slices were just as good, and really much better than your typical frozen deal, I think I will have to make this more often, to just keep some in the freezer for those nights when there is nothing for dinner or perhaps a little late night snack. I probably could have rolled the dough out and made two pizzas out of this recipe but I wanted a thicker crust for a change. I'm usually a thin crust pizza person, but the taste of this dough was awesome! It's terrible, but I love raw dough. Sometimes, I would rather eat dough, than the finished product. I know, kind of gross, but I'm sure I'm not the only person to like raw dough and batter.

The weather has turned cooler here this week, so I'm thinking this weekend maybe I can try some kind of crock pot recipe. A big pot of vegetable soup would be good. I guess I will figure it out once Sunday gets here.

Butch's Birthday

2009-10-09T13:18:00.003-04:00

Butch's sixty-first birthday was last Thursday, October 1. Lewis, Jessica and I went to see him and we took him out to a local restaurant for dinner. His recent heart attack sure hasn't effected his appetite. He got a seafood platter and ate everything on his plate. We then had the staff bring out a chocolate cake with chocolate fudge frosting for dessert. He was in heaven!!!!

He was very clear that day which was nice. It was one of our most pleasant visits in recent memory. Here are a few pictures.

Jessica and Butch - Butch used to always say she didn't look like him and it used to always make me mad. There is no denying that child!!!

Jessica and Lewis - One day I'm gonna burn that shirt that Lewis has on. It has Popeye on it and it is soooooo ugly!!!! I think he wears it just to piss me off.

A nice picture of Jessica, Butch, and myself. We never had an official family portrait done and we have very few pictures of the three of us together. Jessica and I are going to have an extra print made of this and enlarge it for Butch for Christmas. I think it will look nice in his room.

Well, I have a lot more, but very little time. I did make an 83 on my midterm for Medical Terminology. I wished it had been higher but it was a very difficult test. I am happy with it. I had made a deal with myself that I would be happy with anything over an 80. I still am carrying an A average in all of my classes. Will start another class next week. Gee, can't wait! (said sarcastically)

Health Care and Women - Are they treated differently?

2009-10-01T12:38:00.003-04:00

How are women treated differently in the health care system? What is the effect of this differential treatment? Have you ever had a negative experience based on gender?

Women are treated very differently both by physicians and insurance benefit companys. Let me give you just one example that took me less than five minutes to find on the internet. Medicare(which is a government benefit) covers routine mammograms each year for women over forty with a twenty percent copay(see http://www.medicare.gov/health/mammography.asp). However, Medicare covers PSA's, which is a prostate cancer screening test, at ONE HUNDRED PERCENT(see http://www.medicare.gov/health/prostate.asp). Prostate cancer is very slow growing type of cancer and most men diagnosed with prostate cancer die from something else long before they die of prostate cancer. Breast cancer however is the second leading cause of death of women. Why is our own government discriminating against women? Are testicles that much more important that breasts? I'm absolutely positive that is true because of another example that I have to give.

Back in 1997, I worked for a government contractor that processed medical claims and answered questions for Tricare beneficiaries. I took calls from providers(hospitals, doctors, labs, etc) and beneficiaries(people covered under Tricare). From the day that I started there, there was an issue with two types of claims. One was for mammograms and the other was for laboratory benefits for pregnant women. Neither of these claims would pay correctly. They were denied and we would have to override the system manually to make them pay. It was reported numerous times to the supervisors and we would always get the same response, that the government would have to give us the okay to update the system to make these claims pay correctly. We were told that it would take about two years for this to happen as it had to have Congressional approval. Okay, fine. Then in 1998, Viagra hit the market. In case you have had your head in the sand for the last fifteen years, Viagra is a drug that makes it possible to have and maintain an erection. Viagra was covered under the pharmacy benefit and was paid by Tricare. Within three days, there was an issue paying for these prescriptions at that pharmacy. They were denied as not covered. Within two more days of that, miraculously our system was fixed and there NEVER was another issue with Viagra being paid. Three days!!!! When I left Tricare in early 2000, the mammogram and pregnancy lab issue was still not fixed. That was three years later. Now you tell me what is more important? Women, their unborn children and their breasts or an erect penis? I think the answer is obvious, at least where the United States government stands.

As far as personal negative experiences, yes. I have. I have cared for others when it comes to medical issues for most of my adult life. My father suffered several heart attacks in 1991 and had five-way bypass surgery. I cared for him and went to the doctors with him too many times to count. My mother-in-law lived with my family for three years from 2000-2003 when she died. She suffered from diabetes, hypertension, heart disease and many other issues. Since she also did not drive, I too went with her to her doctor visits. Plus I have had vast experience caring for my spouse. We have spent almost twenty years battling a blood clotting disorder that has caused him to have multiple strokes amongst other medical issues. He also suffers from diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, and now a type of vascular dementia. I particulary noticed the way that even physicians talk to women is very different than to men. This last hospitalization with my husband proved that to me. Even though my husband has dementia and it is well documented in his medical records that the doctors had access to, he was consulted regarding his treatment. I was told what the physician was going to do even though I had Power of Attorney. When I pointed out to the physician that my spouse was unable to make a competent decision due to his dementia, he questioned me as to whether or not this was valid. Look buddy, you have the records there in front of you. READ THEM!!!! I have been talked "down" to in too many ways to count over the years. I'm not sure if it is because I am fifteen years younger than my husband or that I am a woman. Either way, it should not have any bearing as to how I am treated by the medical community.

I am sorry that I am so angry when it comes to this opinion. I made the mistake of reading a few other opinions before writing mine and I just cannot see where, even now, people still don't see the blatant discrimination that occurs. I could go on and on here citing examples such as insurance companies trying to force drive through mastectomies, the willingness to pay for penis pumps for men, but not cover reconstructive surgery for breast cancer patients, and many, many more but my anger is too great at this point to go on. Perhaps, it is because I worked for many years in a family practice office and then in the insurance industry that I have such a different outlook on this. I guess when you are surrounded by it you can't help but see the differences.

I have to end my opinion piece here. I currently have an "A" average in this class. I will post here if I have any of my classmates respond to this.

Cure for Depression

2009-09-28T11:26:00.007-04:00

I have obviously been on the depression roller coaster for a long time. Yesterday evening I felt that sodden blanket of despair envelope me.

Why???

Who knows.

Sometimes I just think about things too much. Things I cannot control. Things that will not end. Things that I want but cannot have.

Last night I could not sleep. Laid there and tossed and turned. Tommy(my cat) was hogging the pillow as he always does. I got a small corner, he got the rest.

(I love the way his mouth looks like it has dirt around it! He is totally MY cat.)

1AM.....

2AM.....

3AM.....

Sometimes after 3AM I drifted off and fitfully slept the rest of the night. I should have just got up and studied. It would have been more productive.

I got up this morning feeling the same.

Restless.

Picky.

Out of sorts.

Then I opened a desk drawer that I hardly ever go in and found this!

A great cure for depression. Okay, not a cure but I feel better than I did a little while ago. Plus it was only a few left and I ....ate.....every....last....one!!!

I love Brach's Maple Nut Goodies.

I love Tommy too when he's not hogging the pillow......just sayin.

Pictures of Last Weeks Cinammon Rolls

2009-09-27T13:17:00.009-04:00

Finally, here are the pictures from last weeks post about my homemade cinammon rolls. I think they look pretty darned good considering. Plus they were yummy which just makes it all better. I'm off to study some more. What did I do with my life prior to enrolling in school???????

A Medical Rant (Caution-Bad Language may ensue)

2009-09-24T22:54:00.005-04:00

I am VERY, VERY upset tonight at that doctor that treated my spouse while he was in the hospital undergoing treatment for his recent heart attack. Upset does not even begin to touch the surface of my anger and resentment. I got several calls from the facility that he lives in today with the final call telling me that this so called physician took him off of his psychiatric medications while he was hospitalized.

As anyone that knows me or is long time readers of this blog knows, Butch has had numerous hospitalizations dealing with the psychotic episodes that comes with his type of vascular dementia. He was in a half-way decent mental state when he was admitted due to his continuance on these medications.

This doctor upset me from the start due to his ignorance of dementia and his insistence that Butch was "competent" to make his own medical decisions. Just because one is having a good day and is able to state where they are and why they are someplace at that moment does not make them a competent individual. My husband has always been able to "present" fairly well and that is part of why I have had such a fight when it comes to his diagnosis. The facility that he lives in has seen first hand a rapid decline when he plummets into one of his psychotic episodes. They now understand, especially since they deal with him on a daily basis.

I fully intend to write a letter to the hospital and to the Medical Board of N.C. of my disappointment in how we were treated and what has ensued. Perhaps when Butch spirals into another episode, as I'm sure will happen, I will have to see if Dr. Williams is so hot to take another patient off of medications that they so desperately need. Maybe if Dr. Williams or his spouse has to deal with the anger outbursts, the hallucinations, the wanderings, the rantings, the violence, the peeing in a Coke machine because he thinks it's a urinal, the refusal to take a bath, the refusal to urinate or defecate in the toilet and the ensuing fight to get one cleaned up, then the bastard might change his mind.

I would be willing to bet my last dollar that that S.O.B. has never had to deal with anything remotely as a patient that is in the throes of a psychotic episode. Was Dr. Williams there when Butch was seeing little girls in pink dresses? Was he ever there when Butch swore that the facility had him out picking tobacco in a field with prisoners? Was he there when Butch thought that the facility had a plot to kill him and was killing other patients? Was he there when I had my spouse at a doctors office and he locked himself in the toilet and defecated on himself and smeared feces all over the bathroom? Where was he when Butch was almost kicked out of the facility due to aggressive and abusive behavior?

No!!! The bastard did not even have the common sense to order prior medical records from the same hospital that he was at and look at some of his prior hospitalizations. His thoughts were on dollars and cents. I nixed the idea of cardiac bypass surgery because his blood clotting disorder would potentially kill him or at the very least cause another stroke that could put him in a situation worse than he is currently in. Then they were all hot to do a stent. Once talking with his prior cardiologists it was revealed that stents were not an option and even if it were, that stents do not keep another heart attack from happening and they do not change the mortality rate. The only thing that Butch was concerned with during all of the recent hub-bub was that I had "kept him from going on a helicopter ride". What a freakin shame!!!!

You want to know what's wrong with our current system? It's that it is driven by money and not what is in the best interest of the individual patient. It's that those that are in the decision making process do not even have enough common sense to order medical records or read the ones that they do have. Doctors are not Gods and just because I didn't bend down and kiss his ass, he got pissed. Well baby, now I am pissed and there nothing worse than having me pissed off at you.

I am going to complete this letter and will post it here once I have calmed down and am able to put my thoughts together in a manner that will show that this bastard, at the very least, needs to be watched closely. How dare he do this? Yet again, another MD that thinks he will make the miraculous cure all for what has plagued us for the last 20 years. Dr. Williams, if I saw you on the street at this moment I would beat you into next week. You have come up against the wrong woman. I will pursue this matter and you will regret making the changes that you have made. May you rue the day that you ever threatened me.

How do beauty norms affect women and men differently? How have beauty norms affected you?

2009-09-24T20:26:00.004-04:00

I feel that beauty norms affect men and women very differently, although the pressure is now gaining speed for men as well. Women are targeted from an early age as far as what is considered beautiful. Look at one of the most popular girls toy, the barbie doll. Barbie has dimensions that the average person can never obtain but that is what is marketed to our female children. They are also deluged with images of Disneys Princess line. What is this showing our children? That the outer appearance is everything?

Any person old enough to view television is also subject to the unrelenting Hollywood images of media stars. For me, the most frustrating is to see the media hop all over women that have recently given birth and expecting them to be able to walk out the door looking as if they have never been pregnant. If there is the least image of the inevitable pooch in the tummy area, snide comments are made. Honestly, how many women are ever able to look the way they did prior to pregnancy? There might be a lucky few, but most at the minimum have a few stretch marks and the majority will never see their pre-pregnancy body again.

Men are not held up to the same standard. For men, gray hair signifies maturity and intellect. For women, you are just getting old. Weight is the same. Men that are overweight may be called portly or stout but women are fat and lazy. There is a great disparity between the way the sexes are treated. However, I am seeing the pressure more and more for men in the number of ads for body washes, hair care, hair removal and mens grooming products.

I feel that it has personally affected me, especially when it comes to weight. I used to weigh much more than I currently do. When I was heavier, I noticed that I was treated differently, especially by men. Now that I am thinner, I find that men are more apt to open doors, smile at me and overall treat me in a nicer way. When I was heavier, I think I was taken more seriously but now I get the "fluff" words such as sweetheart, honey, baby and the like. Even my husband treats me differently. When I am thinner, he is more apt to act like he is showing me off yet on the other hand he is much more jealous. He will question my every move and will bristle at the slightest when some other male shows me the least amount of attention.

There is a part of me that thinks that all of this is really immaterial, yet I continue to "buy" into the very conditioned response of keeping my hair colored, using the appropriate make-up to cover any imperfections and trying to keep my weight at a certain level. Yes, it is good to be healthy, but honestly I do it less for health and more for image. I will admit that. I also find myself judging others my age. Just this week, my mother and I were discussing a lady on the latest "Biggest Loser" television show. She is 49 and I am 46. My mother and I were just talking about how she looks "older" than her age and how hair color would make her look so much better. How shallow we can all be. Who am I to judge someone else? I do not know her situation, yet I was concerned that I looked that old.

Beauty is not just on the outside. It is on the inside as well. It would do us all good to keep that in mind and not judge on looks alone. I will try to remember that the next time that I make an opinion on the way that someone appears. I don't like it when someone does it to me and I should make a conscious effort not to do it to others.

It's late and I'm eating a ham sandwich...

2009-09-22T01:00:00.003-04:00

Here I am again, 1:01AM eating a ham sandwich and drinking a Coors Light. What a girl!! I just finished my Chapter 5 exam in medical terminology and I got a 98. Whew!! I sweated that one. Took the quiz earlier in the night and made an 87 and freaked out. That is just not acceptable. Went back over everything, and considering that this chapter was on the digestive system that was a lot! Think of everything from the mouth to the end(I'm trying to say this nicely here) and you've got the digestive system. Damn!! It's just too much stuff. I was about in tears and my friend, Kathy, called and she kind of put things into perspective. As she said, an 87 is nothing to complain about so I went ahead and dived into the exam. It was much easier for the most part and I pretty much sailed through it. Geez! I just peeked at Chapter 6 and it is more of the digestive system and additional suffixes. I can't believe there could be more. My head hurts! I already have in excess of 600 note cards with medical terms, prefixes and suffixes. I hate to see my stacks of note cards by the end of this course. I already feel like whenever I get a minute, I'm flipping those cards and quizzing myself. Enough of that for the night. I can't think about anymore right this minute. Part of me wants to just dive right into the next chapter but I don't think I should. I would be up for the rest of the night. Not a good idea since I have to work tomorrow.

I did have a pretty nice weekend. I made from scratch cinnamon rolls and they turned out pretty good. I got the recipe from Our Best Bites and it was much easier than I anticipated. I had not made any type of bread in forever. When Jessica was little, I used to do that kind of thing quite often, but anymore I just don't find the time or I know that Jessica can't eat it(she has now lost 72lbs)and I don't want to tempt her. I so enjoy cooking but I much prefer the enjoyment of watching someone eat something that I have made. I guess I'm like my dad that way, all of his animals are on the chunky side(let's be honest, they are obese)and for some reason I equate food with love. I have pictures but have not downloaded them to the computer. I will try to post them if I ever get them uploaded. Fat chance, huh?????

Butch was transferred back to the facility on Friday from the hospital. It took them(the doctors) a while to get his clotting time back up again but it finally got to where it needed to be and he was released. Hopefully, things will stay quiet there, at least for a little while. His birthday is coming up on October 1 so I'm trying to decide how to work out a visit on his birthday. Jessica and I talked about it and I know he loves his weekend visits but I can't do a visit this weekend and then turn around and go back on Thursday for his actual birthday. I think we are just going to go down that day and take him out for dinner. Hopefully he will be okay with that. Plus I have my midterm exam due by the 3rd so that will give me all of this coming weekend to study without having to break up my concentration time. I know that sounds terribly bitchy but I have to put my classes first. This is going to be my livelihood and I have to keep that in the forefront of my mind. He was my priority for a very long time and I'm not saying he isn't now, but I am going to have to put myself first and sometimes as a mom and wife that is hard to do.

I did find out my last grade on my womens studies class which was an "A". So, I have an "A" average in that class, an "A" average in medical terminology and my English class will start a week from tomorrow. Two weeks after that my Developmental Psychology class starts. I just want to get ahead in the Medical Terminology class and the womens studies class so that I don't stress too much when these begin. Okay, I'm even laughing at myself right now. I already sit down and study everyday as it is. I can't imagine loading the next two classes on top. I will do it though. Ten more weeks, ten more weeks, just keep repeating that. It's a shame that I'm already counting down toward the end of the semester. I'm not in rush for it, because then Christmas will be staring us in the face and I don't even want to think about that. (Hint!!! If anyone reading this wants to give me a gift, I really, really want Lowes gift cards. This is for my mom and anyone that wants an idea, not for any readers otherwise. I don't need more stuff, I want Lowes gift cards for future home improvement projects)

I did get a nice surprise from our electric company today. I got my bill and when I opened it, it read $0.00 balance due. I couldn't believe my eyes, and when I started looking closer, apparently at some point I had to have a deposit and I guess some benevolent god decided to look down upon me and thought that I sure could use that money. So, the deposit was applied to the credit and I even have an extra $96 to go toward next month. That was wonderful as I have taxes due on the house and I was sweating that one a little. Now that I don't have an electric bill, the taxes will be much easier to swallow. Death and taxes, that never ending saga.......you just can't escape either one.

Look for a post on either Wednesday night or Thursday. This weeks discussion paper is on "How do beauty norms affect women and men differently? How have beauty norms affected you?". Should make for an interesting topic. Any comments from any readers in advance is certainly appreciated. I have some thoughts of my own but additional input is always nice. Plus, I just get all excited anytime that I see a comment. It's a nice feeling to know that someone out there is reading. I try to comment on those blogs that I read as well. I also enjoy "meeting" new people. I know that I have readers from my sidebar, but I'm still a comment crazed person. Just can't help it. I'm going to try to go to bed and sleep. Wish me luck!!

Different ways that men and women communicate

2009-09-17T21:24:00.006-04:00

First, I feel that women and men at times communicate very differently. I think that women tend to express their feelings more and men tend to want to come right to the point and "solve" the problem and have a completion to the issue that they may be discussing. Females are raised that they are supposed to be the caregivers and nurturers and that is perhaps why feelings come into such a play when they are communicating. Women get their feelings out by talking to others, whether it be their significant other or their friends.

Men are raised to solve problems and therefore they want to "cut to the chase", so to speak, and not beat around the bush. They want to identify what the issue is, come to an agreement, resolve the problem and move on.

I am not saying that this is always the way that it works, but I know from experience with my two children that I have to communicate with them very differently. For example, when my daughter Jessica and I talk, we talk about how we are feeling, why we are feeling the way we do, then we discuss and rehash the issue that we are talking about. At that point, we can usually come to some type of agreement about what we are going to do. We usually discuss things several times before we come to a resolution.

With my son, Lewis, I communicate differently. Just this week, I talked to him about his future career aspirations. I have concerns that he is stuck in a rut due to being comfortable. I had talked to him about a job prospect just the other day. He really did not say much to me one way or another. I read this chapter and thought about it for a few days and again this afternoon I decided to talk to him about this issue again but in a different way. I asked him if he was happy with where he is currently employed. I worded my question in such a way that it could not be a simple yes or no. I then asked him if perhaps he did not want to change because he was afraid of the unknown. That seemed to do the trick as then he expressed to me that it is very hard for him to make change and that it scares him. We then discussed a worst case scenario and what would happen if he was unhappy. When he could see that he had options, as one always does, then he seemed to understand the motivation behind my desire for him to find a career that he will be happy with. Had I not taken the time to word my question differently, I may not have ever found out what his fears were.

As far as how different ways of communicating affects our relationships, I think that sometimes one has to learn to truly "listen" to what the other is saying. Not just listen, but also watch and take the time to really be able to understand and contemplate how the other person is feeling. Personally, I know that I am someone that wants to be touched and be reassured that the person listening to me "gets" what I am saying. If I don't think that the person communicating with me is doing that, I tend to get angry and defensive. Perhaps we all need to take the time to step back and think before we speak and jump to conclusions.

Although, it was fairly shorter than my others papers, this was the end of my paper this week. I still have not received my grade on my paper from last week. I did get a 98 on my Chapter Four medical terminology exam. I am now off to study some more.

Heart Attack

2009-09-15T00:02:00.006-04:00

Butch had a heart attack last Wednesday evening. We got the call around 10:15 or so. Jessica and I met with his doctors last Friday. After a lot of discussion of which I will not recount all on here, it was decided to treat him medically. I knew going into this that this is the best option. We have been down this road before in 1996. Butch was told at that time that stents or cardiac bypass surgery was not an option for him due to his blood clotting condition. The dementia just adds a whole new wrinkle to the scenario as dementia patients never come back to where they were prior to anesthesia. Apparently, anesthesia slows the brain down and it will cause a marked increase in mental decline.

I am frustrated yet again by how I am treated by the medical establishment. I feel like we are always judged because I am fifteen years younger than Butch and it is even more apparent now. It's not like I have only been married to him for a few years. It has been twenty years for heavens sake! I seem to always have to explain things that I really feel is no ones business except mine. For example, I am always asked why he is in NC and not closer to home. Then I launch into my explanation of how I couldn't find a bed in a locked unit that was available any closer to my home and I happen to think he has excellent care where he is at and would not get that kind of care in any of the facilities that are near me. I have explained his care in a prior post and how well he is treated in the facility that he is currently in. Also, once a dementia patient is settled, it can be detrimental to move them and change their situation. It took us a long time for him to get comfortable where he is and I'm not going to change things when I know he is getting wonderful care.

I don't know, maybe I'm overly tired and sensitive tonight. I just feel like I'm forever battling everyone and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to walk away and have some other kind of life. I want peace. I'm tired of explaining the decisions that WE have made over the years. Some things have been in place for a long time like his DNR, also known as a Do Not Resuscitate order. Butch and I talked about this and he signed it back in 1996. We were told then to go home and prepare for the worst. That is what we were told. That is what we did. Now I get questioned about it. I know that questioning is their job, but I just get very frustrated having to explain the same things over and over especially when I don't really feel like anyone is listening. Every new doctor that comes on his case thinks he is going to save the day and it's not like we haven't been battling all of this for almost twenty years. Believe me, if there was a miracle out there I sure haven't found it and it's not for lack of looking.

Well, it is 12:47AM and I either need to get some sleep or get back to studying. I guess I will try the sleep option. If that doesn't work, I can always get back up. I will post tomorrow(or tonight if you want to get technical) as to how my Chapter 4 test goes.

How do people learn to "do" gender?

2009-09-10T21:15:00.005-04:00

People learn to "do" gender starting with their parents. It actually starts in the decorating of the nursery and goes from there. Is the baby's room decorated in themes of blue or pink which would indicate male vs. female or is it a neutral theme? The second way that is almost from birth is how a child is named. Is it a feminine name or masculine or is it perhaps an androgynous name? Of course parents are one of the greatest influences as in the way that a child is dressed and treated and the toys that are purchased for play and they way a child is taught by example.

There are many influences upon parents such as society, religion, and of course, how they themselves were raised? Were they themselves taught that there are male duties and female duties or that all duties can be accomplished by either sex regardless of strength and ability?

I learned to "do" gender by not only observing my parents examples but by the message they conveyed as to whether or not it was something that I could do. My mother sent a very positive message that females could do anything a male could do. I remember my eighth Christmas, I received a chemistry and a biology set, which I loved and adored. I spent hours mixing up chemicals(under her supervision) and dissecting frogs and bugs. I was enamored! My mother sent the signal early on that I could do anything. My father on the other hand was this way until I turned nine. When I was a little girl of five, I remember riding with him in his 1968 Road Runner and begging him to go faster up and down the hills of where we lived. I loved the sound of the gears shifting and the engine revving. On the other hand, when I started growing up and would want to go to a job site(he worked construction) he would not let me as he said he didn't want some man "looking at me" as he put it. "That is no place for a girl". I would also beg to go hunting with him and he would not let me unless he was alone, again because "girls don't hunt around all those guys". Once my brother got into his early teens, he never had a problem taking him and what was funny was that my brother really didn't want to go. I was the one that wanted to be out there but was never allowed. Now I see hunters with their young sons and daughters. Maybe men have come to realize that their "little girls" can be just as interested as their sons.

Perhaps society has also changed in the years since I have been a child because now it is not unusual to see children of both sexes learn to cook, cut grass, little boys to receive a play kitchen and little girls to receive play tools. I know that I have conveyed to my daughter, Jessica, that she should not rely on anyone but herself to learn to change a tire and check the oil of her vehicle. She must take responsibility for herself above all else. My other child, Lewis(who is not my biological child, but I did have custody of him from the age of fifteen to eighteen), is an accomplished cook in the kitchen and has worked in a restaurant. It is something that he enjoys and is very good at. When we clean the house, we all pitch in. Sometimes I cut the grass, sometimes Lewis does. We all take turns and together we get things accomplished.

I do want to point out though, that I also think gender is something that is innately within ourselves. To elaborate that all with gender is not taught, I point out the case of Brian and Bruce Reimer. They were identical twin boys born to a Canadian couple in 1965. Brian was incorrectly circumcised and his penis was destroyed in the process. He was taken to John Hopkins and was seen by a psychologist by the name of John Money, who promptly told his parents to raise him as a girl and that as long as he was treated as a girl that he would "learn" to be a girl. They tried for many years but to no avail. Brian (renamed Brenda) was confused and hostile. At the age of fifteen, he was finally told of his true identity, promptly renamed himself as David and from there on out lived as a male. There is much more to this story as Bruce died of a drug overdose in 2002 and David committed suicide in 2004. Suffice to say, the experiment that John Money touted as successful was really an utter failure. You cannot "teach" gender. It is truly within ourselves.

This ended my opinion topic for class this week. I truly feel that gender is something that is within each and every one of us and that what "I" feel is not what another person feels. Our gender is as unique as our fingerprints and no one else can truly understand how another person feels, especially when it comes to something like this.

Week 3 down, 13 more to go....

2009-09-08T23:01:00.006-04:00

Took my third test for my medical terminology class today and got a 93 which is an "A"! Yippee!! Another week down! This is a really tough class. Much harder than I expected. I'm glad though that I am taking it because I think by the time I take Anatomy and Physiology I will at least have a better working knowledge and some good study habits. I seem to have worked out a system now. Read the chapter one day and do the homework with the chapter, the next I complete the interactive part online and usually on the third tackle the weekly quiz and test. My average at this minute is a 92 which is one point away from an "A". I did do the extra credit so hopefully that will help in the long run.

As far as around the house, Lewis turned 21 on Thursday, September 3. Jessica has announced that she doesn't want to turn 20 in January since she will no longer be considered a teenager. I sure don't know how she's gonna stop that from happening. She is stubborn but I don't think she can stop time. Here are a few pics from the big party this weekend.

The Three Musketeers - Samantha, Jessica and Nikki

Lewis and his new nephew, Aydon, relaxing in Lewis' easy chair!

The cake! Obviously, Lewis is a big Cowboy fan!

Samantha and Nikki squeezing on the birthday boy!

Samantha and Lewis. Now, I wonder why he has such a big grin on his face???

Well, I'm off to read my chapter in Womens Studies so look for a post tomorrow on how people "do" gender. I already have some interesting thoughts on that. Can I say that I love writing these opinions?

How do different forms of prejudice affect your life?

2009-09-02T00:49:00.003-04:00

This is the second paper in my Women's Studies class. I did find out today that I made an "A" on last weeks paper. Woot!!! Woot!!!! YESSSSS!!!!!
Now here are my views on how prejudice has affected my life. Yes, some of this I had already blogged about but I want to put my opinion pieces on the blog for some future references so if this is an old story to you, please feel free to skip it, but I think that I have made some new points in this as well.

As outlined in chapter two there are many forms of prejudice such as gender, race, age, class and sexual preference. I am going to highlight three forms that have affected my life in just the last year or so.

The first is gender. I faced gender prejudice last year when my spouse became ill due to a form of vascular dementia. He was hospitalized in a geriatric psychiatric facility due to psychotic behavior that is hallmark to his type of dementia. Even though he was a danger to himself and others, I as his wife, was expected to continue to care for him. I remember the day quite vividly as myself, my brother, my mother, my daughter and foster son were called into a family conference at the hospital that he was court ordered detained in. There were fourteen professionals surrounded around a table to discuss his care and discharge plans. All of these professionals(doctors, nurses, social workers and assorted therapists) were of the opinion that he was safe and could be discharged home. Even though two days earlier he had multiple outbursts in front of many nurses that he was going to kill me when he got his hands on me. I had been advised by his doctor not to visit him too often as he became agitated and was aggressive. That particular day he called me in excess of thirty times with various threats as he wanted to be discharged. He was calling from the nurses station so that all of the nurses there could hear him. I called back and spoke with his nurse regarding the constant calls and threats and was told that he had "rights" to use the phone. I asked that this behavior be documented and was told that they were doing so. It was amazing to me that only two days later that these same professionals could then give the opinion that he was safe and could function on his own or as they put it "he could be trained". Thinking back, if the situation were reversed and I was the patient and he was in my position, would they have asked him to take me home? I think not. Number one, society in general feels that it is a woman's place to be the caregiver regardless of how it affects her life, health and the ability to work to bring an income into the home. My husband had been ill for eighteen years at that point and he had retired on disability due to strokes so I had been the working partner outside of the home. This was not something that I did just for enjoyment. I worked because I had to to pay the bills and to help support my family. How could I continue to work and then care for someone that was no longer continent, could not be left alone, and unable to make sound judgment decisions? Unfortunately, the decision to send him home could have resulted in a tragedy as just four weeks later he attacked me and choked me over me making him a glass of iced tea. Where were those professionals that day? The police were called, the bruises around my neck were photographed and charges were not filed as the police recognized that he was not mentally sound and competent. He could not be held liable for his actions. Less than a month later he was again hospitalized and was placed in a lock-down unit at a nursing care facility for his well being. He has been there since June of 2008 and he resides there to this day and probably will for the rest of his life.

The second form of prejudice is age. Several months into the placement at the new facility, I got a call to meet with the facility director and staff. By this time I had been on the merry go round before and knew what could potentially be coming so an attorney from the Alzheimer's Association graciously agreed to come with me as an advocate at the meeting. During the meeting it was addressed that my spouse was violent with staff and patients and that they felt he was a liability issue for the facility. They said "Mr. Delaney is too young to be here" and he would be better suited somewhere else since the median age of the patients was around seventy-five and my spouse at that time was fifty-nine. Well, let's see here. Alzheimers and Dementia can strike at any age, it is not prejudiced in the least. There are documented cases of adults in their thirties with early onset types. Are nursing care facilities only for you if you are past a certain age? Of course not! They are there when a loved one can no longer be cared for in their home. As my attorney quickly pointed out to them, you cannot make him leave due to his age, that is discrimination. I mentioned making sure he was properly medicated to decrease the aggressiveness and outbursts, and we left the facility with a new plan in place to adjust medications so that he could be calmer and more docile. Even the oldest patient when not in their right mind, can become violent and aggressive. They could not treat my husband any differently because "he's so young" as they kept telling me. The medicines were changed and increased and I have had no issues since.

Finally, to end I am going to tie this all together and point out discrimination based on class. Yes, this follows along the same common thread of my husband and his dementia but now this one falls back to me. I have found since my husband has been placed that we had to become eligible for Medicaid to pay for his care. His care costs on the average $5700.00 per month. Medicaid is a form of welfare. I also now am eligible and am receiving a Pell Grant which is how I am able to go to school this semester due to our low income levels. How is this class discrimination? Well, at least once a week I get a comment made to me about "those damn welfare people sucking off the government" or some other snide comments about public assistance. I have heard this from friends, family members, coworkers and others that do not understand what I have been through. I think most people look at me as a white, middle-aged, middle income female and feel safe when they make their judgment call about social programs. I do not "look" like the typical welfare recipient in their mind. Sometimes I will even point out to them that I am on welfare and their response to me is "well, you are different". How so? Because you know me that makes it different.

How does it make me feel? Well, for one I feel horrible that I am in this situation and cannot afford care for my spouse but let's get realistic here. How many people that you know could afford $5700 per month. I don't think many. Furthermore, we all hear those advertisements on the radio to see an Elder Care attorney to "protect you assets". Is that not circumventing the so-called system? Yes, it has taken everything that I had to prepare for the future without my spouse. I have signed over his life insurance worth $125,000 and his half of our home so that he can get the care that he needs. When he dies, I will have to start all over again. I will have my house, but whenever I sell it, half of the proceeds will go back to the state to repay the cost of his care. I do not mind it because it has to be paid and it is for his care, but that will leave me with nothing at almost fifty years old.

In summation, I am very resentful of the ones that makes comments like this. They could be in my shoes one day in the not too distant future. If it doesn't happen to them, then they are very lucky, but my point is, do not judge others by their outside appearance and assume that they think like you do. You do not know what is going on in their life behind closed doors. Prejudice is hard and it is hurtful. I feel guilty every single day for being on a form of public assistance but it is what I must do to ensure that my future will be brighter and at some point my debt to society will be hopefully repaid in full. The next time you want to make a statement about someone based on race, religion, class, or gender stop and think before you put your foot in your mouth.

A Morning Funny!

2009-09-01T08:56:00.005-04:00

This morning as I was getting out of the shower I looked over and there was one of my cats, Missy, sitting on the bathroom scale. She was loudly MEOWING and ripping her fur out in chunks and spitting it off to the side. For some reason, it just struck me as hilarious as the thought came to my mind, "Even the cat stresses when she gets on the scale and maybe if I pull a little fur out, I will weigh less". You know the deal......I will take this piece of clothing off to weigh less, or I will stand just right to weigh less, etc, etc.....

Anyways, I run through the house dripping and naked(thank goodness the kids were still asleep, grabbed the cell phone and came back and there she still sat, steadily pulling that hair. Here is the resulting picture.

See the little tuft of hair off to the side? Obviously, I have nothing better to do with my life than to run around naked taking pictures of my cat on the scale with my cell phone. Uhhh, yeah.

Second Medical Terminology Test

2009-09-01T00:56:00.002-04:00

It is almost 1AM and I just finished my second medical terminology test. I got a "B" of which I'm not thrilled. Oh well, I will just study harder for this next week. This test covered terms pertaining to the body as a whole. I was expecting more about the different areas but the at least fifty percent of the test was on the positional and directional terms such as ventral, dorsal, distal and how different organs are situated against others in the body. I think I probably studied more about the body cavities, quadrants, divisions of the back and that type of deal. Live and learn. A "B" is a good grade but alas it is not an "A". I still have not received a grade for my discussion post for my womens studies class. I want an "A" so badly after seeing the lame posts that preceded mine. After reading many of the posts I wanted to shout out "for gosh sakes people, at least use the spell check". I know I don't get every little thing right but at least I try my best.

Enough for tonight. I'm off to bed and will be posting my discussion tomorrow evening for the second week of the womens studies class.

My Photography

2009-08-28T21:04:00.002-04:00

My mom recently did a post about my photography. The pictures she posted are really not my best work. When I took those pictures I wasn't even trying. Here are some more recent pictures that I'm more proud of.

More of Jessica's Photography

2009-08-27T17:52:00.005-04:00

Jessica has thousands of pictures that she has taken of which at least half are of Kaitlyn. Here are a few of my favorites. For some reason I really like the black and white ones. She just purchased a new type of photo editing so I'm really anxious to see what she comes up with next.

One of her many self portraits.

Jessica and her best friend, Nikki last year at graduation. Nikki and Jessica have literally been friends since they were babies. I have a picture somewhere of them sitting at her Grandmother Delaney's (aka Memaw) house when they were about six months old.

Jessica and Lewis. We laugh and tease them and call them Old Mr & Mrs Hubbard. Hubbard is Lewis' last name and they are so much like an old married couple. Their personalities certainly compliment each other well. Jessica is the more stringent and organized of the two and Lewis is very laid back.

Another of Jessica. I love the expression in her eyes. Her eyes are very green, I always call her my "green eyed girl".

These last two are of Jessica holding Kaitlyn when she was a little more than a month or so old. Jessica, Lewis and myself were all there when Kaitlyn was born and Jessica was there when Aaydon came the other week too. I wanted to post these last two since she had a similar picture of her and Aaydon in the prior post.

Well, I'm off to study.

Some Real Life Pics

2009-08-27T01:48:00.005-04:00

Here are a couple of new pics that Jessica took this weekend while over at Lewis' brothers house of his brothers new baby Aaydon and his niece, Kaitlyn.

Here is Jessica, Kaitlyn and Aaydon with Kaitlyn doing her "MySpace" girlie pose.

Gosh, in a few more years this could be Lewis and Jessica with their kids! They are so good with Lewis' niece and nephew.

Ignore the tape on Lewis' glasses. He just got a new pair about three months ago and already a tree limb crashed into them and broke them. Luckily, we found out about a new website that we can get glasses from inexpensively and we can also get prescription safety goggles for Lewis to wear to work. I guess this is going to one of Lewis' birthday presents.

This one is my favorite. She has one in black and white like this of Kaitlyn on her shoulder at about the same age. It blows me away some of the pictures that she manages to take of herself.

Little ones grow so fast. It's wonderful all of the technology that we now have to be able to record things to have and look back at in the future.

My First Opinion Paper in my Womens Studies Class

2009-08-26T21:20:00.006-04:00

Let me first start off by saying that I probably have a different perspective on whether or not equality has been achieved because I am an older student, and probably one of the oldest in this class. I am a forty-six year old woman that feels as if she has been caught between two worlds.

I well remember the times of the "bra-burning" and "get out of the kitchen" days of the early seventies. When I was a little girl I was initially raised to believe that I would one day become a stay at home wife and mother. That illusion was shattered as I watched my parents marriage falter and my mother had to attend nursing school in her thirties, while I was still in high school. I was encouraged to further my education but finances on a single mom being what they were, I entered the apprenticeship as an electrician at Norfolk Naval Shipyard instead of college.

When I went into the shipyard, women had only been allowed into the apprenticeship for four years. They were still a novelty on board Navy ships. Women were still not allowed to serve on board these ships if they were in the military unless the ship was a hospital ship or a tender. To say the least I caught hell.

Fast forward to now, and I left the Navy Yard almost twenty years ago as I was not happy in my job and switched careers. Women are shipboard now and they are accommodated but in reality the "old boy system" is still well in place.

My current career is still in a primarily male field of taxes and finances. It is irritating to have clients call, especially male, and ask me a question, yet still are not satisfied with the answer unless they speak to my male boss. I can hear it in their tone of voice and the way that they question me.

I also recently went out to lunch with some friends and their parents and the comment was made at one point by one of the older males that "a woman's place is at the stove". I almost choked on my scallop. I did not speak out at the time because I did not want to cause a commotion or make a scene, but I have went through this in my mind as to how I should have handled the situation. Part of me regrets not saying anything. Was my silence an agreement to his statement?

Another incident that reaffirms my belief that equality has not been achieved was the recent conversation that I had with my daughter regarding her pay at the law firm that she currently works at. She has been at her position for three years as a legal assistant. Yes, she started out as a cooperative education student, but she has been full time for eighteen months and she only makes minimum wage. She is also attending Tidewater full time and the firm well knows her drive to further herself but, when she inquired about her salary she was met with the response that the firm could not increase it due to monetary constraints. I wonder if she was male would it be looked upon the same?

My final reality check with equality was a recent comment made by another business aquaintence. Only three weeks ago, this person came by my house to speak to me about a question that he had regarding his small business. During the course of the conversation he asked about any "needs" that I had around my house. I did not get it at first. I thought that he was talking about home repairs. He was actually talking about sexual needs as he was well aware that my husband lived in a nursing home and I had been on my own for a year. Thankfully, we were sitting outside on my front porch and I very politely rebuked him. Why is it that in 2009, we as women still have to constantly be on our guard as to not send off incorrect signals?

I wish equality was there but I'm afraid that with all of the advances women and others have made in the last thirty years it only scratches the surface of how far we are yet to come. However, I do believe we are getting there and hopefully the generation after mine will have a much easier time. I do see signs of it as my brother, who is 38, has no problem with household chores and cooking. I know of other younger men that this seems routine for. Maybe part of it is they were raised by working mothers and had to learn.

Finally I was also looking at the Deparment of Labor website for statistics of women in the workplace in 2008. Women now comprise 46.5% of the workforce but unfortunately, the number one position of women are secretaries and administrative assistants, which is the lower paid positions and certainly not positions of power. Also women still only earn eighty percent of every dollar that their male counterparts earn.

I personally believe that I will not see in my lifetime true equality if ever. Hopefully, the march of time will continue to bring that about, especially as the "old school" generation are no longer around to hand their antiquated belief system down. I feel that it will always be there in some form or fashion. Perhaps, it always will be, because it is human nature to not open ones mind and think outside the box.

My paper ended at that point. This was simply an opinion piece that was posted on a discussion blackboard. I did not read others before I completed mine and posted. I did however, go back and read many after I had posted mine. Several things that I noted the first of which my opinion was by far the longest posted. Many others did make some good points in a short style but I was surprised that they were not longer with a little more thought other than the basic I think equality has been achieved or I do not believe equality has been achieved.

I also had to give and agree or disagree to another's post and again, my reply was lengthy although not nearly as lengthy as my original response. I wonder what my grade will turn out to be. I hope that I did make my point although there was much, much more that I could have said. We all know that there are times that I can ramble at the keyboard.

I got an "A"!!

2009-08-25T11:58:00.004-04:00

I just finished my first online test and I got 46 out of 48 correct which is an "A"!!!!!! I am so excited!!!! As if all of the exclamation points are for nothing. I am seriously doing a happy dance right this minute. Jessica can hardly stand me. I was sooooo worried but after the 10 total hours of studying Chapter One what could one expect? I was given an hour to complete the test and I completed it in NINE minutes. I don't think I can complain. My background knowledge did help and not hurt as I was afraid of.

New word of the day - Eponym - the name of a person, whether real or fictitious, after which a particular place, tribe, era, discovery, or other item is named or thought to be named. Example: Binswangers Disease is an eponym as it is named after Otto Binswanger.

I guess my readers are just gonna have to learn right along with me. Welcome to my world.

Studying, studying, and more studying!!!

2009-08-24T23:54:00.002-04:00

Well,I am definitely a student for sure now!! I spent most of yesterday with my nose in the books. I see my future for the next 16 weeks and it is not pretty. I am taking four classes this semester, which I think the hardest will be the medical terminology class. I don't think it's a good thing that I have experience in the field because now I have to throw out all that I know and start from scratch regurgitating information the way that my professor wants it to come back out. It's all good though. I know I can do it. I just have to keep repeating that phrase.

I am also taking Introduction to Womens Studies, which I think I will find very interesting. I enjoyed reading the first chapter and even read the extra articles in the back of the chapter. Tomorrow I will post on the discussion board my thoughts, which I know I will have no problem with as any of my readers are well aware of by now if you read any of this blog. I think I may post some of my discussions on here as well just to get some feedback. I think this class may give me some insight to my own issues that I have posted about in the past. The first chapter has already been very thought provoking. We shall see.

The other classes that I am taking? English Composition, of which I had taken years ago and now I have to take again since it had been so long, and Developmental Psychology. The English class doesn't start until the end of October and the psych class will start the end of September. Hopefully, I will have a good study pattern started with these first two classes and will not feel as stressed when those two begin. At least that is what I am hoping for.

Everything else around here is pretty quiet. I have a quarterly meeting at Butch's facility tomorrow and I really don't see anything changing in that way. He has had some issues the last few weeks with additional weight loss, problems falling and a decline in general. It seems to go that way. A leveling out, then a decline, then leveling out again. Our twentieth wedding anniversary is next week and I have been thinking about that quite a bit. It is very bittersweet to say the least. I have something in mind that I would like to do for the blog but I don't know if I will have time to pull it together. I would like to do a slideshow of our wedding pictures and have it set to "our" song. I think he would have liked that. I would have never dreamed that things would have turned out the way they did but there is nothing that I can do about that. Hindsight is always 20/20. Maybe we were meant to go through these trials in life for some reason. I don't know and I can't spend too much time thinking about it or I will drive myself crazy.

Well, even though it is late, I am going back to do a little more studying. Perhaps it will make me sleepy. One can always hope.....

It's Official!!!!

2009-08-21T12:55:00.003-04:00

I am a FULL TIME COLLEGE STUDENT!!!!! This is me doing two things: 1)holding my planner in my hand and that makes it all official in my eyes and 2)taking a picture on my cell phone and being able to send it to my computer!!!

Gee, it's the little things that make me so happy!!

Did ya ever have one of those days?

2009-08-19T10:40:00.006-04:00

Well, it's been one of those weeks for me so far. I have finally enrolled in college full time, picked my classes, ordered my books and will pick them up tomorrow. I either want to jump up and down with joy or sit on the floor and cry. I'm not really sure which and it's according to the minute of the day as to how I feel. This morning I got the three part combo to study for the Enrolled Agent exam next summer, so I guess when I have my sleepless nights, I will study something and I bet that will put my hiney back to sleep real fast!!

Thanks mom for the picture! It sure made my attitude a little bit better for right this minute. I love you and thanks for your advice. I will get that piece of paper(degree) one day. I just hope that I'm not 80 and you are 99 when I do!!

Oh, and thank you also to Sarah who yesterday sat and listened to me moan and groan and who told me that I could do this, to quit stressing, to take something fun and easy. Also to my baby brother, Scott. You will always be my baby brother even when I am 80 and you are 72! Thank you for always being there and listening to your crazy sister. I don't know what I would do without you. You are my rock!

Note to self, quit trying to fit the square peg in the round hole. It won't work.

A Rainy Wednesday

2009-08-17T21:51:00.009-04:00

Yes, this is the road, not a lake. Look closely at the lower, middle right of the picutre and you can faintly see the double, yellow lines.

Going in to our neighborhood.

Intersection of Elmhurst and Hodges Ferry Rd.

Last week on Wednesday our area got hit with some massive rain storms. It took Jessica two hours to get home from Downtown Portsmouth when it usually takes about fifteen minutes. Luckily, her friend Brenna, had a Tahoe and offered to drive Jessica as her little Nissan Sentra would have been underwater. Here are a few pictures that Jessica took of our neighborhood on her way home. According to the reports 3-6 inches of rain fell between 4-6PM. What a mess!!! Here is a newslink for more info. All of these pictures were in our neighborhood. The last time we had rainfall like this it was followed up by Hurricane Isabel which hit and left us without power for nine days and Isabel was barely a Category One storm!!! Now I see Hurricane Bill is out there and I hope that it turns and goes out to sea and spares our region.

First Comes Love......

2009-08-13T10:44:00.008-04:00

Then Comes Marriage......
May 17, 2008

Then Comes Aydon Riley Hubbard in a baby carriage......

7lbs 6ozs
20.5 inches long
August 11, 2009 4:35PM

Congratulations to Lewis' brother, JR, his wife Lacy and their new baby boy!!!!

A Very Taboo Subject

2009-08-11T23:32:00.007-04:00

Ever since this morning when I got to work and heard on the news about a very public figure in this area that passed away on Sunday this blog post has been rattling around in my head. I'm not going to mention this person by name because if you live in the Tidewater area you have heard about it and names really mean nothing to the meat of this post. The principal of a local high school that was well loved apparently committed suicide on Sunday. It just so happened to be the high school that I attended. He had been the Principal for almost 40 years, and that in itself is a stellar achievement especially in this day and time. Rumor has it that he was suffering from a terminal illness. Now I don't know if that was a fact or not but I do believe that obviously it was something very serious for this gentleman to take his life. After reading the comments online though about what a "travesty" that it was to be reported in a public paper, I felt the need to at least get my thoughts out there if only for the few that read my blog.

This person was a public figure whether we all like it or not. Should his death have been the cause for additional newspaper coverage? Well I guess that is debatable but I say yes because even though our area boasts a population of almost two million people, Tidewater is still a very small town especially when it comes to some of the local cities. Rumors would have been out there regardless of whether or not it was considered news. Yes, I hate it for his family but why is suicide in this day and time so taboo?

I remember when my life was first touched by suicide. It was the first week of August, 1979. One of my good friends mother committed suicide. It was horrible. It changed this friend in ways I can't describe. Her and I spent many a night at her mothers grave with her crying and asking the inevitable question of why. Even now, the memories of it brings tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart. Every August 6, I think of her mother. Every time I ever hear a Peter Frampton song I think of her mom as her and I and our dates attended the Peter Frampton concert that evening that her mom walked out of her home and took an overdose. I know this much. My friends mother was depressed and she was not thinking clearly.

In 1987, suicide again touched me when my next door neighbor walked in his back yard, entered his shed and hung himself. For the six months prior to his death, all he saw was failure and despair. He thought he was wearing rags. He thought that him and his wife were broke and they were going to be put out of their home. He thought that his house was falling down and in disrepair. None of this was so, but that was how sick his mind was. He did not see things clearly. His wife removed the guns from the house, took him to doctors, tried medications but inevitably he found a way to commit this act. My brother was the last person to see him that morning as Scott was cutting grass in our backyard. Scott said "I never talked to CJ when he was walking to the shed. I thought of waving or saying hello, but he was just looking at the ground and walking real slow. So I didn't. And I've regretted it ever since." This was a man that I thought of as something of a father figure. How could he do this to his wife, sons and all of the people that cared for him?

Again, just last month, I blogged about my friend Kathy. Her ex-boyfriend committed suicide in June. He had tried it before and failed. He had been on medications for depression and other mental issues. He had even called her three months prior and had her drive 8 hours to come and pick up his beloved dog because he told her he wanted her to have him as he didn't have time for him anymore. Kathy and I discussed her getting the dog and we talked about how it was not a good sign that he was giving Gizmo away. She called me that Sunday night when they had been talking and he had threatened suicide. She promptly called his mom and his mom and him spoke on the phone. She thought things were okay. When Kathy continued not to hear from him, she continued to call to S.C. until finally on the following Friday, 911 was dispatched to enter the house and his body was found. He had overdosed. He had committed the act that he had so desperately wanted to complete.

Finally on Sunday, my daughter called me while I was out and told me about my old high school principal. I thought nothing of his death really when hearing the initial reports. Found in his garage dead. I figured heart attack. He was nearing retirement age, in fact I actually thought he had retired in June. When I got to work on Monday morning, my boss inquired as to what I had heard. My boss grew up next door to this man and was a good friend of his. I thought it strange that he asked the question that way but thought nothing more. Again, this morning, he asked me what I had heard. I told him I had not read the paper yet and he asked that I go online and see what was being reported. There it was. The police were reporting it as a potential suicide that involved a firearm. That was when I first heard the rumor of a terminal illness. Throughout the day, I continued to hear the first rumblings of an illness and the very loud cry of "why was the newspaper intruding on this mans family at such a time of grief". Unfortunately, this was news and sooner or later it was going to get out. Maybe it was better to be upfront as the paper was and report things, not have the gossip twist and turn throughout the community.

I guess what all of this diatribe has been about really is "Why is suicide such a taboo subject in our society"?

My BFF, Janet and I were talking about this today. Her father succumbed last year to ALS, better known as Lou Gehrig's Disease. This is a disease where your mind stays intact but you lose the ability to function. The last six months that her father lived, he couldn't even feed himself or do anything for himself. He could hardly even talk, but his mind was fully functional. We often talked last year about the will to live and how far someone would reach to continue their life. On the other hand there are many people that want to hold their fate in their own hands. We both understand that and amazingly enough we agree.

I don't necessarily think that suicide is a bad option. Especially for one that has a terminal illness. I have often said that I would not want to live out my final days dependent on someone else or in horrible pain. I want to have that choice. I have discussed it with my family but we all know that assisted suicide is illegal in all states except Oregon.

I also know the pain of depression. I'm not talking about just being sad. I'm talking about the dark, heavy, never-ending despair that envelopes your brain like very sticky molasses depression. The "I can't see the forest for the trees" depression. The I can't see no other way out type. I was there at times last year and even a few years here and there since my mid 20's. I can understand that and oh how I sympathize with them. If it had not have been for Jessica last year, I can't say that I wouldn't have been a statistic. Jessica was my saving grace. I knew that if something happened to me that it would leave her holding the bag with her fathers care and I couldn't leave that legacy to my beloved child. I didn't want her to be like my friend and have to question why. I didn't want to leave doubts to my loved ones as to why I did what I did. I will say this. When you are in the middle of it, you can't necessarily see those things. I know my darkest moment was when I sat at the restaurant that I was working in last February part time, and all was dark and quiet and we were closed. I had sent everyone else home for the evening and it was my job to lock up. I sat at the bar area, though I did not have a drink, and just sat for the longest time. All I could think of was "what am I going to do from here" and "I can't handle it anymore". Butch was newly diagnosed with dementia, at that moment he had been hospitalized for six weeks in a geriatric psychiatric unit and was not in his right mind. I was being pushed to bring him home to care for him by his doctor and the social worker. His family was no longer speaking to me because I had said I couldn't care for him anymore and that he needed full time care 24 hours a day. Anyways I have already posted about that here. That bleak, dark, cold winter night I actually sat and contemplated suicide. Not just the thought, but actually walking around trying to figure out how to do it. Who would find me? Could I actually go through with it?

Was I sick that night? Oh yes!!! Just as sick as if I had had a physical ailment. The pain in my head and in my heart was the worst pain that I had ever had in my life. It would not subside, it was like a drum beating on and on and on. Get it over with, leave this earth, you will never have to worry about this crap again, you will never have to deal with all of this if you just go. Thankfully though, that small, still voice of reason whispered out Jessica's name and I simply could not do it. I could not leave that legacy to my daughter. The hand of sanity reached out and brought me back.

Now, I'm not saying suicide is right or wrong. Is the person suffering from a mental illness truly sick? I think so. They are just as sick as someone with a physical ailment such as cancer, ALS or even Binswanger's Disesase. I would like to see more states allow assisted suicide, under the proper guidelines of course. Suicide is not always a bad thing. Yes, in a way it is selfish, but is it not selfish in a way to want to continue to do everything in your power to live sometimes, even when you are on a ventilator 24/7? There is no right or wrong answer here. I guess I'm kind of debating with myself in a way. The bottom line is suicide is not a shameful act, it is a shameless act. The person that commits suicide is trying to either keep from hurting others (I don't mean physically here)or to put an end to some type of pain that they are in either physically or emotionally. Don't judge someone else's actions until you walk their walk.

I think in this case it took a very brave person to end their life. Suicide should not be that "dirty" word. It should be talked about openly and honestly. I know that if something happens one day and I want to make that choice, I want to have the ability to make it one way or another. Especially in the case of a terminal illness. I would much rather walk out the door of life my way than being dragged out of it in pain and suffering. Maybe really, my old principal walked out that door just the way that he walked in his life. His way.

Practical Advice for Dementia/Alzheimers Caregivers and their families

2009-08-11T00:31:00.005-04:00

I cannot take credit for this. This came from a Yahoo group that I belong to for people that are either caregivers or have someone in their lives with Dementia/Alzheimers. They are some great tips! Thanks go to Mariellen for her contribution.

As caregivers, we often use intuition to help us decide what to do. No one ever gave us lessons on how to relate to someone with memory loss. Unfortunately, dealing with Alzheimer's disease and other dementias is counter-intuitive; i.e., often the right thing to do is exactly opposite that which seems like the right thing to do.

Here is some practical advice:

1.Being Reasonable, Rational and Logical Will Just Get You into Trouble.
When someone is acting in ways that don't make sense, we tend to carefully explain the situation, calling on his or her sense of appropriateness to get compliance. However, the person with dementia doesn't have a "boss" in his brain any longer, so he does not respond to our arguments, no matter how logical. Straightforward, simple sentences about what is going to happen are usually the best.

2.People With Dementia Do Not Need to Be Grounded in Reality.
When someone has memory loss, he often forgets important things, e.g., that his mother is deceased. When we remind him of this loss, we remind him about the pain of that loss also. When someone wants to go home, reassuring him that he is at home often leads to an argument. Redirecting and asking someone to tell you about the person he has asked about or about his home is a better way to calm a person with dementia.

3.You Cannot Be a Perfect Caregiver.
Just as there is no such thing as a perfect parent, there is no such thing as a perfect caregiver. You have the right to the full range of human emotions, and sometimes you are going to be impatient or frustrated. Learning to forgive your loved one as well as yourself is essential in the caregiving journey.

4.Therapeutic Lying Reduces Stress.
We tend to be meticulously honest with people. However, when someone has dementia, honesty can lead to distress both for us and the one we are caring for. Does it really matter that your loved one thinks she is the volunteer at the day care center? Is it okay to tell your loved one that the two of you are going out to lunch and then "coincidentally" stop by the doctor's office on the way home to pick something up as a way to get her to the doctor?

5. Making Agreements Doesn't Work.
If you ask your loved one to not do something ever again, or to remember to do something, it will soon be forgotten. For people in early stage dementia, leaving notes as reminders can sometimes help, but as the disease progresses, this will not work. Taking action, rearranging the environment, rather than talking and discussing, is usually a more successful approach. For example, getting a teakettle with an automatic "off" switch is better than warning someone of the dangers of leaving the stove on.

6.Doctors Often Need to Be Educated By You.
Telling the doctor what you see at home is important. The doctor can't tell during an examination that your loved one has been up all night pacing. Sometimes doctors, too, need to deal with therapeutic lying; e.g., telling the patient that an antidepressant is for memory rather than depression.

7.You Can't Do It All.
It's OK to Accept Help Before You Get Desperate. When people offer to help, the answer should always be "YES." Have a list of things people can do to help you, whether it is bringing a meal, picking up a prescription, helping trim the roses or staying with your loved one while you run an errand. This will reinforce offers of help. It is harder to ask for help than to accept it when it is offered, so don't wait until you "really need it" to get support.

8.It Is Easy to Both Overestimate and Underestimate What Your Loved One Can Do.
It is often easier to do something for our loved ones than to let them do it for themselves. However, if we do it for them, they will lose the ability to be independent in that skill. On the other hand, if we insist individuals do something for themselves and they get frustrated, we just make our loved one's agitated and probably haven't increased their abilities to perform tasks. Not only is it a constant juggle to find the balance, but be aware that the balance may shift from day to day.

9.Tell, Don't Ask.
Asking "What would you like for dinner?" may have been a perfectly normal question at another time. But now we are asking our loved one to come up with an answer when he or she might not have the words for what they want, might not be hungry, and even if they answer, might not want the food when it is served after all. Saying "We are going to eat now" encourages the person to eat and doesn't put them in the dilemma of having failed to respond.

10.It Is Perfectly Normal to Question the Diagnosis When Someone Has Moments of Lucidity.
One of the hardest things to do is to remember that we are responding to a disease, not the person who once was. Everyone with dementia has times when they make perfect sense and can respond appropriately. We often feel like that person has been faking it or that we have been exaggerating the problem when these moments occur. We are not imagining things—they are just having one of those moments, to be treasured when they occur.

All I can say to close this up is been there and done that on all ten suggestions. If you have someone that you know that has been stricken with this disease, keep these tips in mind. They will come in handy. Dementia is an insidious disease and nothing ever makes sense.

Monkey See, Monkey Do!

2009-08-10T22:12:00.006-04:00

As evidence that little girls are ALWAYS imitating the big girls, here are some pictures that Jessica took this weekend of herself, her friend Samantha, and Kaitlyn. Notice how Katybug is pursing her lips and flipping the peace sign at the camera. I'm not quite sure of where this pursing of the lips in pictures comes from(I have a feeling it's from that Mary Kate and Ashley Olson stuff that Jessica and Samantha watched as little girls from Full House) but anyways, I notice that a lot of teenage girls take pictures like this, so it must be "the thing" to do in pictures.

I can't get over how much of a "big" girl that Kaitlyn is becoming! She sure doesn't have that toddler/baby look anymore. Of course, the girls were here Saturday night doing their hair and nails and the such and she was right in the thick of things!
She won't even be three until November! Three going on twenty-three in her mind.

Summer Fun!

2009-08-07T21:38:00.012-04:00

Jessica took Kaitlyn and Kaitlyn's grandmother, Lorrie, to Ocean View Beach a few weeks ago. It was a beautiful day and Kaitlyn had loads of fun digging in the sand. Even if her hands did get dirty every now and then!

Too Good Not to Pass Along

2009-08-07T11:25:00.006-04:00

I know, it seems like the last several posts have nothing to do with us and everything to do with links to other sites, but I promise this one is too good not to pass along.

It all started with an email of pictures that my mom forwarded to me. It was of different things that had been jury rigged up, we've all seen messes like these before. I noticed on the bottom of all the pictures it said "There, I fixed it" so I thought these must have come from a site. I googled "There, I fixed it" and discovered this site. Of course, I had to take the time and start looking and lo and behold, I found a picture that almost caused me to spit my tea across the desk and pee my panties at the same time. I won't post the picture itself on the blog, because you never know who's looking over your shoulder but go here and look closely.

I promise you if you are having a bad day, it WILL get better. If this doesn't make you laugh, then nothing will!!! You are hopeless!!!

Yummy Dinner

2009-08-06T20:25:00.006-04:00

I found a blog a couple of weeks ago here and one of the recipes was for French Dip Sandwiches. It is super easy and super yummy. I made them in the crockpot for Tuesdays dinner and they were lapped right up. I did toast the buns in the broiler and used provolone cheese. They are to die for!! Here is a link to the actual recipe. Next I'm gonna try this recipe with the overload of tomatoes that I'm getting. My niece, Sarah, tried the stuffed pizza rolls and said they were delicious as well. Guess I will have to work my way through some of the great recipes! Trust me, the picture does not do it justice at all.

The Proverbial Brick Wall

2009-08-06T13:18:00.004-04:00

I had an upbeat post planned but instead I am here beating my head against the proverbial brick wall. Just got a call from the nursing facility and yet again some "consultant" pharmacist has come in and changed Butch's anti-psychotic medication. Apparently, it slipped through the cracks and the psychiatrist signed off on the change because it was in with some other patients changes and no one thought and the director on his floor just noticed the change today when she was going through his chart due to another issue. I am wanting to have a profanity laden fit right now but I know that that is not going to help anything. Every few months this happens as I wrote about in this post about six months ago. Why can't these professionals all coordinate their care. It's not that hard. The bottom line is COMMUNICATION!!! Is it that hard people?????

OK, I'm going to take a deep breath and not fit the square peg in the round hole. It does not work. I have tried over and over and over again and I can't do it. That is ok. I will find a work around and not stress. Deep breath in, out, in. I CAN do this.

I will post more later. Now I have to go to the dentist to get my cracked tooth filled, of which I had forgotten the appointment until I got the reminder call. Thank goodness for reminder calls for those of us too scatterbrained to remember our appointments. I went around all week thinking the appointment was for Friday.

If you want a laugh for the day???

2009-07-22T09:56:00.004-04:00

Then check out this blog that I stumbled across here, needless to say, I am now a follower. Check it out and enjoy!

Easy come, easy go especially when you go to the dentist!

2009-07-14T18:47:00.005-04:00

Money that is!! I went to the dentist on Friday and back again today and now I have another appointment in August. Can I say that I hate the dentist? Not literally, really I love Dr. Holton but I hate, hate, hate going to the dentist. I find it very painful and I just don't like it. Friday and today I had to have a VERY deep cleaning, like below the gum line deep and now the Novocaine is wearing off and the side of my face is kind of numb and when I drink my afternoon coffee, it is dripping out the side of my mouth. Lovely!!!

I have to go back in August, because right before my Florida trip, as in the day before, I had a tooth break apart. Of course now that has to be refilled and capped. There goes another $1000! Who can I complain to about this? Can I protest??? I considered just having it pulled, but it is kind of visible to the side and personally I like having teeth and I'm just not ready to go there yet. Of course, I could be like my father and just pull my own teeth, but I don't have the stomach for that. Did I say before that I don't like pain? His version of dental care is to take a pain pill, have a shot of whiskey, go outside in the bright sunshine, position the side mirror on his truck, take a pair of pliers and yank out the offending tooth. I don't quite have the testicles for that one. Of course, I don't have testicles either, but I have always coveted them. I would like a great big gold set myself. Just to say that I have them.(LOL, I'm trying to be nice in saying things like this in my usual smart*ss way)

See, one more thing that makes my dad a redneck. Speaking of my dad and the crazy stuff he pulls I do have another interesting story that he did this week, which I find quite humorous. As I have mentioned before, my dad lives in a very small town in the rolling hills of Virginia, and do I mean SMALL!! It's the type of place where everyone knows everyone and all are always trying to be in someones business. Typical small town atmosphere. Well, my brother, Scott is one of the co-owners of his business Kinex(pronounced connects). One of the other owners is Jim G. who has a son named Andrew. Anyways, Andrew has never met my dad but my dad is aware of Andrew. Last week, my dad goes to the McDonalds(which is THE happening place in Dillwyn, BTW) and sees Andrew getting out of one of the Kinex trucks. He proceeds to walk up to Andrew and the following conversation ensues.

Clyde(my dad)- "Do you know Scott Chidester?
Andrew - "yes, yes I do"
Clyde - Well you know he's gay. (see this is my dad trying to stir the pot up in this small burg of a place, no offense to the gay community here! If you want to get someone gossiping there you can talk about their sexual orientation or say that they are having sex with someone other than their spouse, as long as SEX is in the so called gossip it will fly all over town because these people have nothing better to do with their lives)
Andrew - "Uh, no, no he's not. He's married"
Clyde - "Do you know Jim G?" My father says in return knowing full well it's Andrews dad.
Andrew - "Why, yes sir, I do"
Clyde - "Well, he's gay too" and then proceeds to walk away.

Needless to say, Scott then gets a call from Andrew and Andrew then tells him "Uh, Scott? Does your dad drive a silver T-bird?" Scott replies in the affirmative and Andrew proceeds to tell Scott what he pulled. So typical of Clyde. He has nothing better to do than to cause discontent in the community. Just like the time my dad and Butch went into the Radio Shack in Farmville to buy batteries or something. The clerk asked my dad for his phone number and my dad proceeded to say he didn't have a phone because he lived in the dipsty dumpster behind Food Lion. The clerk was speechless and Butch wanted to sink in the floor.

I guess I come from a long line of smart*sses. At least it gives us all something to talk about.

Help me, please!!! I can't afford to die.....

2009-07-08T12:32:00.004-04:00

You heard me right. I simply cannot afford it. It costs too much to die. Of course, those that read yesterdays post know that I spent the afternoon pre-arranging funerals. WOW!!!! What an eye-opener. Bottom figure from opening the grave to the laying of the marker total price is $9300 and that is good for 60 days. Oh, and that is when you already own the plots. Trust me. I was my good old tightwad self in there. The casket was the third cheapest offered. The vault, which is required in our area was the second cheapest. This is for a grave side ceremony with only limited viewing. Nothing spectacular, no limos, no extras, just bare bones(sorry for the bad pun) cheap and what will there be to show for it? It's a good thing that Butch and I had had this conversation about what he wanted because otherwise he may have gotten the Janice version of just a cremation and hand me over in a cardboard box which is $1500. That still galls me to no end and hopefully I can find someone that I can donate my body to and save even more money. Hey, I will be dead, I won't know and sure won't care!

I know I sound like a bitch but for petes sake. That is almost two years of tuition for Jessica at college. That could be a decent used car for us as our cars are 14 and 17 years old. Gee, my heating system is fifty-two years old(yes, it is the only one in my neighborhood that is original) and every year when I do light it, which is only when I run out of wood to burn in our wood stove insert, I say a quick prayer that A) it will light, and B) it will not blow up and I'm not even religious. That money would put a new heating and air conditioning system in the house. I get a $1 yogurt parfait at McDonald's some mornings. Let's say I get three a week, that would pay for my yogurt parfaits for almost SIXTY FRIGGIN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!! I know, I know, you can't really hear the humor in my typing, but trust me, I'm really being humorous here because it's just the way that I deal with things.

Poor Mr. Miller at the funeral home. I had him soooooo confused. Here I was, wandering around the casket samples making some really bad jokes. He just wasn't there in my frame of mind and didn't get it. I guess he just usually has the grief stricken family and in be-bops me making price comparisons and asking if they have a secret underground tunnel under the boulevard that they send the bodies through to their crematorium across the street. I know, sick! He must have finally got it though because just before I left, he stopped and told me that actually they had thought an overhead tube would work to send the bodies over but they didn't think the neighbors would have liked it. See, the crematorium was formerly a Bank of Virginia, therefore you know those tubes you send your deposits in at the bank, well that's where that one came from. I guess he understood me more than I realized.

Death and Pre-planning funerals

2009-07-07T12:13:00.010-04:00

I had already started another blog post regarding this subject but it was turning into a book so I'm gonna start all over again. Sometimes you just have to toss something out the window and rethink everything. That's what I'm going to do today.

As has been in the news with celebrities and Hollywood, death has been here and it just creeps up and hits you when you least expect it. My friend, Kathy lost someone very dear and close to her last week. Actually, he died the week before and it was due to suicide. A week passed before his body was discovered. Kathy was the person that kept trying to alert his mom that something was wrong. Her friend, H (as I will call him), was the person that introduced us. He was just an acquaintance to me, but to her, he was so much more. Kathy and H had dated for several years. She loved him and still loved him but realized that they couldn't be together. He moved to South Carolina and she stayed here. They were not good for each other. He had some pretty big issues and unfortunately those issues ultimately caused his death. I have hated that Kathy has had to go through this and I know that it is something that she will never get over. Deep down I know that she still loves him and always will.

Anyways, what was also unfortunate in this situation was that H had an ex-wife that he was NOT divorced from and no will. His body lay in the morgue for over a week because his parents could not get in touch with his ex-wife as she was the one that had to give her permission to release to the parents because technically she was still his wife. Of course all of this got me thinking. What if something happened to me? Butch couldn't make arrangements. What would Jessica do? Furthermore, what happens to the house if something happens to me? Would the state force Jessica out and sell it for his care? So many questions that I still don't have answers for but there are some things I can take care of until I get them answered. One of those is pre-arranging our funerals.

I guess this decision to pre-arrange was also prompted by a call from the facility. Butch is not doing well. He is getting out of bed less and less. I'm not really surprised here because the last two visits to see him, by the time we took him out for lunch and a short Wal-Mart outing, he came back to the facility and was totally wiped out. In fact, I had just told Jessica that I didn't know how much longer he would even be able to go out. He just doesn't have the energy or stamina anymore. This is to be expected but when it actually happens it is still a shock. I called the funeral home that is close to us and that we have had limited dealings with and did make arrangements between the facility and the funeral home that upon his death that Sturtevants will pick up his body. At the same time, I made an appointment for this afternoon to pre-arrange his funeral. I guess at the same time I will inquire about mine as well.

This is something though that Butch and I have talked about over the years so at least I know his wishes. He already had his plots at the cemetery so at least that is paid for and done. He always said he wanted a funeral and a burial and I always promised him that I would do that. I, on the other hand would rather have my body donated to Eastern Virginia Medical School if possible, after all other organs, tissues, etc have been harvested for transplant. I DO NOT want to be buried. I would prefer cremation and then to have my ashes scattered from the point in front of my Great-Grandparents house in Buckingham County. My parents now own this farm. It always takes my breath away. Isn't this such a peaceful spot? It brings to mind something that I read long ago and I always liked.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

- Mary Frye

This afternoon is going to be hard but it must be done. I cannot in good conscience
leave this for someone else to take care of because we never really know what tomorrow will bring. Just because Butch is sick and older does not mean that he will die first. I would not want to leave this all for Jessica to untangle. Think of me this afternoon and please send good thoughts my way so that I will have the strenth that I need to do this. Everytime that I think I am brave, that my mind is in the right place something hits me and knocks me back a little. It always makes me doubt and wonder. "Am I doing the right thing? Should I be doing something more?" That is life though, just pick yourself up, look forward and take that next step.

Not Me Monday!!

2009-06-29T18:39:00.007-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Our not me's for the week and boy do I have some today.

First off I have not been such a bad blogger lately that I have not even posted since I came back from Florida and have NOT posted any pictures. Nope, not me!!

I did not get five new outfits while I was in Florida of which one of those Jessica salivated over for a few days and I finally said ok to her wearing one of the new dresses on Friday. When I went to wear it today, there was a paperclip in the bodice. What ever was a paperclip doing there? Was she using it as a button? Who knows!

My neighbor did not come over on Friday quite distraught because my kitty, Sissy, had been rubbing up against her husbands legs and he accidentally shut her tail in their car door with the door locked. Poor Sissy had to stand there until they got the keys to unlock her tail from the car door. Oh well, it's not the first time that we had a cat that got her tail caught in the door. Jessica did it to Sissy's mom Prissy, many years ago and Priss still has a kinked tail. Sissy came home with a swollen and kinked tail. Poor baby! Miss Gloria will make it up to her though as my cats go over to her house at least twice a day for snicky-snacks as we call them. They are such the beggar cats.

Speaking of Florida, I have not yet officially unpacked and there are not still unfolded clothes laying on the foot of my bed that I just keep getting clothes out of instead of putting them away like a normal person. I guess that's why I did NOT discover this morning until I was at work that I had put on my underwear inside out. Smooth move on my part. In the past I have wore two different colors of flats to work, not realizing that one was black and the other dark blue. At least clients don't come in and can see that I did something dumb.

Florida

2009-06-18T12:29:00.004-04:00

Yes, I am in Florida and am having a wonderful time. The weather has been beautiful, mid 90's, low humidity and I have been shopping, shopping, shopping!!! I have some pics to post and will when I get to a computer that I can download to. I am now off to the pool (yes, I have to get some sun and not come home paler than when I left) and we will go out to eat tonight somewhere yummy!!!

I didn't realize how much I truly needed to just get totally away! I will be flying back home tomorrow afternoon :( but will definitely return for a repeat visit. I am probably the only person to come to Orlando and not see Disney, but I am perfectly happy doing what I am doing.

Will post this weekend.

Family Issues aka Let's Make Things Just a Little More Complicated

2009-06-12T10:06:00.003-04:00

For me, when I mention family, it usually evokes thoughts of the Norman Rockwell type of painting of a family around a dinner table, talking, happy, full of smiles. Unfortunately, that is not what you always get when dealing with family regardless of who's family it is. In this case, I'm speaking of Butch's family. Sometimes, I think they are there just so that when I think things are quiet they pop out of the woodwork and stir things up. For some reason they always have some inner clock that tells them when I'm having a good day, so that they can call and make things come crashing down.

This all started about two weeks ago on the evening of my birthday. Let's backtrack for a moment though and do the Readers Digest Condensed Version of why Butch's family doesn't speak to Jessica and myself. Last year when Butch was committed to a geriatric psychiatric facility when things really started going crazy with his dementia I had requested at that time he be placed in a facility. He wasn't cognizant of his surroundings and quite bluntly, he was a danger to me and Jessica. Well, in rides his brothers and sister to the rescue. They didn't agree, which really they didn't have to but in all honestly except for one brother, he didn't see the rest of them except for maybe twice a year at Christmas and perhaps another holiday. They really didn't understand how bad things had become but it didn't take a rocket scientist to see when you went to visit him either. For most of the three months that Butch spent there, at least two of those months Butch didn't even realize he was in a hospital, he thought he was at work (he had been retired 14 years at that point) or in a prison (he was never in a prison, I think he spent one night in jail for some minor infraction in his early-20's like drunk in public and he was too scared to call his parents for help)or who knows where. However, out of the four siblings living, three of them gave me a hell of a hard time which resulted in one of his brothers and his sister attacking Jessica verbally on her MySpace account and she in turn firing back, although she used some bad language that I disapproved of she did take up for herself which is better than what I did, which was nothing. One brother flew in from Hawaii to take Butch back there to which I said fine, let me pack his bags. I give up, if you can do better, go for it. Brother "R" signs him out of the hospital and the next day they get into a verbal disagreement at the airport. Three days after that I get the phone call from "R" that "he didn't understand the extent of his deficits" and was sending him back home. Of course, that left things back in my lap.

That was in mid-March of 08. Butch lasted at home for two months before things spiraled out of control yet again and he was placed in the facility that he is currently in. During the two months that he was home, his sister called him once, the brother "R" called once to see if he made it home from Hawaii, and his niece and her husband came by twice. Not once were there any offers to help with Butch, bring a meal, take him for the day, nothing. His sister did send him, and only him, an invitation to a cookout, quite markedly on the envelope it was addressed to Mr. Butch Delaney, nothing about daughter or wife. Gee, we had only been married 19 years at that point, why in the world would you invite his wife and your niece????? (yes, I'm being a smart*ss today, LOL!!)

Back to the subject at hand. Anyways, I get a call from his youngest brother two weeks ago today starting out quite nice. He lets me know that he's getting married in July to his fiance and that Jessica and I are invited to the wedding which is being held in his sisters backyard. I was polite and thanked him (I should have been suspicious at this point) but said no thank you that I didn't think that would be a good idea considering all that had happened the prior year. Then he lets the real reason loose. I want Butch to come to the wedding. (Ahhhh, so that's really why you called eh?????? Let's just beat around the bush, shall we?) I ask what time is the wedding, he responds six. I tell Brother "B" that Butch is in bed and asleep at 7:30PM and that I really don't think it's a good idea but that I will consider it. I tell him I will call him the next week sometimes.

Well, Jessica and I go to the facility that next day and at first Butch seemed about the same. We decide to go out for pizza and all is quiet at first. Unfortunately it didn't stay that way as Butch started having some bathroom issues. Anyways, long story short, by the time we got Butch back to the facility there had been several accidents and a shower was necessary. Two hours out is all it took and we stayed right there in town, thank goodness. Sometimes we venture for a little drive to the next town, but no more. Bottom line, he just doesn't have the necessary bowel and bladder control and no, Depends does not always do the trick. I know he was embarrassed and my heart ached for him.

The following Tuesday we had a meeting with the facility staff as Butch had reached the one year mark and the meeting was just a routine, "here is how he is doing" type of thing. I spoke to some of the staff that is most aware of his case and all agreed that it would not be good for Butch to travel to Virginia and especially that late in the day to go to this wedding. In fact, the staff doctor is writing a letter stating the same.

Now, here is the kicker. Brother "B" called again last Friday asking if I was going to bring Butch to the wedding. I explain no and the reasons why ie: too late in the day, bathroom control, problems walking, etc, etc. He seems to "get" it and I tell "B" that maybe he and the new wife can go see Butch, that I'm sure Butch would enjoy the visit. I then state to "B" that perhaps he can call and speak to Butch but that I would appreciate not mentioning the wedding as I did not want Butch to get agitated over not being able to attend. He hesitates then and says to me "Well, Sister "K" called Butch this morning and told him about the wedding". I could feel my blood pressure skyrocket but I didn't say much. Why did they have to do that? I feel like they are trying to manipulate me into making me bring him by making me look like the bad guy. Let's tell Butch so we can force her hand. I quickly got off the phone, because I'm trying to be the better person at this point.

On Monday, I find out that "K" and "B" go to see Butch this weekend and of course they talk more about the wedding to Butch. Now, "K" had been to see Butch one other time this year and "B" none. If they cared so damned much, why aren't they down there like Jessica and myself? Even once a month would be nice. We go every other weekend and call twice a week. They just don't "get" it. Butch has been violent to us. They did not live that. They did not live with him throwing lit cigarettes at Jessica's face, choking me to the point that I had bruises on my neck, threatening violence, throwing two liter soda bottles at your head, having the police come to your home and tell you that there was nothing that they could do because he was not mentally competent for his actions. YET THEY WANT ME TO TAKE HIM OUT TO THIS DAMNED WEDDING???????????

If Jessica, his only child, got married to Lewis tomorrow, we would plan something at the facility so that Butch could be there. It was nice of his brother to invite him but I get so tired of his family not getting his disease. It was just like at Christmas his sister giving him a DVD player. Butch can't operate that. It just confuses him. Why can't they understand??? I know I haven't written out all of the background and every detail but I am just so frustrated. I am frustrated that they will never get it when it comes to Butch, frustrated that they don't include Jessica or reach out to her, she is their niece and blood. I understand them hating me. I am nothing to them, but Jessica is their kin. I am frustrated that I let myself get so upset when something like this happens.

Tomorrow, Jessica and I go for another visit. This is our life and our routine. That is okay. I am always drained both physically and mentally when we end our day there. I dread tomorrow because I know that he is unhappy that I will not bring him home and that he cannot go to this wedding but I just can't do it. As the staff said last week. He is getting the appropriate level of care for his disease. I CANNOT DO IT. I cared for him for a long, long time and probably too long when you come right down to it. I don't know why I have such gnawing, gut wrenching guilt when it comes to this. I do though. I know I am not wrong, I know I am doing the right thing. I just must continue that mantra.

Not Me Monday! on Tuesday

2009-06-09T10:50:00.005-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

We haven't done this in a while and quite honestly I was going to do it last night but I was a little down in the dumps and Jessica insisted that I go off with her and Lewis' mom, Lorrie, to have a drink. Since Jessica is only 19, she was obviously the designated driver. I will tell you more later so that we can proceed with our Not Me's!!!

I did not burn my underarms in the stand up tanning booth last Thursday. I have been tanning for the last month in preparation for my Florida jaunt and noticed that I had some white streaks down my side where my arms kind of lay against my body while in the tanning bed so I decided to use the stand up booth with my arms held up over my head. Not a good idea(shaking head back and forth)!! I learned two things from this experience - one is that deoderant is an EXCELLENT sunblock so at least my armpits are not burnt and number two is that the skin around your armpits is very tender and tends to REALLY, REALLY burn quick and once it is burnt it is very, very painful. Here is a picture of Kaitlyn and myself when I first started on this tanning journey. Yes, I look a little red here, but I am now, and for the first time in my life, a nice tan color. Don't worry though, I'm gonna give it up after this session is finished. I'm a little vain and I don't want to look like a dried up old prune when all is said and done.

I did not jam a wooden splinter into and underneath my pinkie fingernail bed that went almost down to the cuticle. I almost peed my pants when it happened!! I was making my bed that morning and was tucking the comforter down next to the wall as one side of the bed is against the wall and as I was pushing the comforter down apparently my fingernail scraped the paneling (have I ever said how much I HATE, LOATHE, and ABHOR paneling?????)and the splinter went right up under my fingernail. You could actually see it through my fingernail. By the end of the day my whole finger hurt and I finally got the gumption to take a pair of tweezers and go to work on getting that obnoxious splinter out. Needless to say, I haven't made my bed since and that was one habit that I was working on and was very successful with.

Jessica did not call me one day last week and was totally astonished to find that our dining room table pulled apart and that you could add a leaf to it. We have had that table since before she was born and she is now 19. I can't believe that she didn't know this. Where has she been all this time?

Jessica has not watched the movie "Twilight" at least once a day, and sometimes twice a day for the last two weeks. She is soooooo hooked! Lewis is going to kill her(or at least hide the TV remotes from her) if she doesn't stop. I'm not quite sure of the facination that she has going on as I have not read the books nor had any interest at watching the movie but still......plus for those that know me, I do not watch TV or movies for the most part. I could totally throw out the TV and probaby never miss it. She also read all four of the Twighlight books within one week. I like the reading part but she is acting like a tween about this movie. Lewis even asked her if she wishes he was Edward(the main character in Twighlight that all the females are gaga over) and her response was "well you are Edward" because Lewis' full name is Edward Lewis Hubbard. I swear my child is such the smartass this week.

Well, I guess that's enough for now. Will update all later with what has been happening here.

Letters from the Bored

2009-06-05T13:06:00.003-04:00

From time to time we have to take a little break at work from all the stress and have a little fun. These are just a couple e-mails that the collections deparment here at Cooper, Spong & Davis would LOVE to send to the partners. And also some e-mails we'd love to send to some Twilight characters.

From Me:
Dear Cooper Spong & Davis:

Whoever left the ice bucket empty and put an empty ice tray back into the freezer is trifling.

Thanks

JD

From Jerri:
Dear Cooper, Spong & Davis

Please provide one of the conference rooms with a big fluffy bed. No one likes to nap on the kitchen 'tables'. Failure to do so will result in a profoundly obnoxious strike from your home collections department. And every other mother who works here…so all of your other staff members as well. Our mission here is to be able to resolve this issue without any further complications.

And the bed better be king-sized. With a down comforter. And night light.

Sincerely Yours,

The Cooper, Spong & Davis Collections Department
(but mostly Jerri)

K?thanksbai.

From Me:
Dear Cooper, Spong & Davis:

We greatly appreciate your generosity in buying pizza for the firm today. It's about time that you ordered the good pizza from Pizza Hut instead of the weird greek crap. Even though I cant eat it Jerri very much appreciates it.

Much love
JD and JB

From Jerri:
Dear Cooper, Spong & Davis

Lovely weather, isn't it? As part of the firm's hard-working staff, we would like to extend our hand in suggesting a few ideas to keep the staff's morale high and healthy! To start off with a few:

We find it easier to concentrate when relaxed. In this instance, we would like to suggest a personal masseuse to come by on a strictly part-time basis. He should be roughly six foot-two, muscular & Swedish. (Or a member of the elusive Quileute Native American Nation. But that's only a couple of member's wishes. Swedish works, too.)

In order to keep our body from perilous bouts of the swine flu/bird flu/pink eye/head colds- we would like to propose a resolution to the 'cold' & 'hot' spots of the office. Please make the office a comfortable 70 degrees in here. At all times. This means to not let Cathy control the thermostat. Ever.

Lastly, but certainly not leastly- we would like to offer up an additional amendment to the dress code. Flip-flops & nice jeans are very trendy. They work well together. Embrace them.

Please give these suggestions your kindest considerations. We very much appreciate you, you know...giving us paychecks and all that. Even if we end up owing the IRS come next April…

But that's another e-mail, entirely.

Peace out home slices,

JB, JD & BH.

From Me:
Dear Cooper, Spong & Davis:

Until further notice the Collection Team has decided to go on strike. We feel that our amazing leader aka Christine is being over worked when it comes to computer problems, aka Debbie. Please consider hiring someone part time to sit with the computer problem, as it seems she does not know how to use the computer whatsoever. If that is not an option we demand a raise for our amazing leader, as well as a company car and trip to some island far far away from said computer problem.

Make it happen.

The collection team

Now on the the e-mails we would love to send to the Twilight Characters....

From Me:
Dear Edward Cullen:

I think you are freaking hot. I don't care if you do look high half of the time and your hair looks like you have no clue what a brush is. I do not care that you are a vampire because I freaking love you.

Bite me

Jessica

PS-Please put in a good word for my friend Jerri, she is in love with Jacob Black and we all think it's a bit odd that he loves your 6 month old daughter.

From Jerri:
Dear Jacob Black,

I love dogs...I think wolves are hot...But you are far more beautiful than anything else. Even if you are only 17. I know you're drawn to babies, but maybe this time you'll make an exception? Afterall, it wasn't too long ago that you had the hots for an older woman.

I'll be waiting for your howl.

<3 Jerri

PS. I now know why women always fall for the tall, dark & handsome types. And also? Please keep your hair nice and shaggy…it's niiiice.

Oh and I almost forgot this one addressed to JK Rowling

From Jerri:
Dear J.K. Rowling,

Thank you so much for reading all of your fan mail! We really love your work. We are two of your biggest fans (for realz) & would love to invite you to our 'Beloved Authors' convention. It will be held at the Cooper, Spong & Davis lobby on June 19th, 2009 from 9-5. Also in attendance (hopefully) will be Jen Lancaster, Jodi Picoult and our newest member to the convention- Stephanie Meyers. We would love to have you! Thanks for your consideration.

Long live Harry Potter!

Jerri Butler & Jessica Delaney.

PS. We know there are tensions between the Twilight series fans and the HP fans- keep it clean, shall we?

Don't get me wrong, we are very very hard workers but sometimes we crack under stress and have to let it out in the e-mails.

Jessica

ABC's

2009-05-29T10:56:00.004-04:00

ABC’s (taken from Curvy's Blog-Thanks Girl!!!)

A
• Are you available?
What do you mean by available…..available for what?? Dinner? I am always available for a good meal! Anything else, just ask and we shall see.

• What is your age?
46 as of 3:30AM this morning

• What annoys you?
Slow people that want to just stop in the middle of an aisle in the store and talk to their friends and family. Don’t bring your whole family to the grocery store. Get your ass in there and get out or just get out of my way.

B
• Do you know anyone named Billy?
Yep, several in fact.

• When is your birthday?
May

• Who is your best friend?
I have several. My mom, my daughter, Janet, Maria, Gwen, Kathy!!

C
• What's your favorite candy?
Maple Goodies

• Crush?
Ummm, yeah but I’m not telling.

• When was the last time you cried?
This morning

D
• Do you daydream?
Daily

• What's your favorite kind of dog?
Golden Retriever

• What day of the week is it?
Friday

E
• How do you like your eggs?
Sunny side up, yolks runny

• Have you ever been in the emergency room?
Yep

• Ever pet an elephant?
Nope

F
• Do you use fly swatters?
Yes, when I can find one. I can’t find mine right now and as soon as I buy a new one I will find the old one

• Have you ever used a foghorn?
No

• Is there a fan in your room?
Yes, a ceiling fan

G
• Do you chew gum?
Rarely, I tend to swallow it.

• Do you like gummy candies?
Absolutely

• Do you like gory movies?
Not gory but scary is definitely something that I like, I guess you could say suspenseful

H
• How are you?
OK, wish I was off today but oh well

• What's your height?
5'6

• What color is your hair?
Natural or dyed? Natural is kind of a mousy brown, right now it’s kind of a reddish brown. Next week? Who knows, I always let my hairdresser do whatever she wants with it.

I
• What's your favorite ice cream?
Peach

• Have you ever ice skated?
Yep

• Ever been in an igloo?
Nope

J
• What's your favorite Jelly Bean?
I don't *like* jelly beans

• Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke?
Um, yeah. Who hasn't?

• Do you wear jewelry?
Earrings, rings, necklace.

K
• Who do you want to kill?
It’s according to who has pissed me off at the moment

• Have you ever flown a kite?
As a child

• Do you think kangaroos are cute?
Yes

L
• Are you laid back?
Sometimes……It’s all according to the day and the situation

• Lions or Tigers?
Tigers

• Do you like black licorice?
Yuck!! My mom does though and Butch did too.

M
• Favorite movie as a kid?
Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella with Lesley Ann Warren that was broadcast on TV in 1967.

• Ever shopped at Moosejaw?
What? Who? Now I need to go google that

• Favorite store at the mall?
New York and Company

N
• Do you have a nickname?
Baby Bear when I was little. I used to think my mom, dad and I were really the three bears that turned into humans. Yes, I had an active imagination as a child.

• What’s your favorite number?
1

• Do you prefer night or day?
Night

O
• What's your one wish?
To get my degree one day

• Are you an only child?
No

• Do you like the color orange?
It’s ok. I like it better now though than I used to.

P
• What are you most paranoid about?
Having to take care of Butch at home again. It’s been a year now and I still can’t go see him alone. There are times that he still scares me.

• Piercings?
Ears x 3 but I only wear one pair anymore. I have a secret wish to have my nose pierced with a small diamond in but I think I’m a little too old now.

• Do you know anyone named Penelope?
Nope

Q
• Are you quick to judge people?
At times but I try to keep an open mind. I have certainly been wrong and yes, people can change to some degree

• Do you like Quaker Oats?
Yes

• Know anyone that makes quilts?
Yes, my niece Sarah’s mom, Sharon. She made a beautiful one for Butch and my wedding present.

R
• Do you think you're always right?
No.

• Do you watch reality TV?
Some, I did watch The Biggest Loser this last season and Survivor. It’s been kind of hit and miss with both.

• Reason to cry?
I cry everyday probably over something. My dad once told me that I cried until I was eight years old.

S
• Do you prefer sun or rain?
Sunshine!!

• Do you like snow?
Once a year, that’s quite enough

• What's your favorite season?
Fall, warm days and crisp evenings

T
• time is it?
10:31 am

• What time did you wake up?
7:00 am

U
• Can you ride a unicycle?
Never tried but my next door neighbor growing up had 5 sons and one of them did. I always thought it was cool.

• Do you know anyone with a unibrow?
Not that I can think of

• Uncles do you have?
One. My dad was an only child and my mom has one brother that is eleven years older than her.

V
• What’s the worst vegetable?
I love vegetables but I hate a raw tomato. Blew!!!! Yuck!!!

• Did you ever watch Veggie Tales?
No. Jessica was a Barney nut.

• Ever considered being vegan?
No but I can understand why people do though and I quite admire them for it.

W
• What's your worst habit?
Smoking

• Do you like water rides?
Love them

• Ever been inside a windmill?
No

X
• Have you ever had an x-ray?
Yes

• Ever used a Xerox machine?
Yes

Y
• Do you like the color yellow?
Yes.

• What year were you born in?
1963

• Do you yell when you're angry?
Oh yeah!! And when I get angry it’s usually over something different than what I am yelling about. I have a bad habit of holding things in until some small thing will piss me off and then I let loose. I’m trying to do better though

Z
• Do you believe in the zodiac?
No

• What's your zodiac sign?
Gemini

• When was the last time you went to the zoo?
Gosh, sometimes when Jessica was little. Probably 15 years ago or more.

Just as a side note my mom sent me a joke with the following quote which I absolutely loved!!!

"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
That one is too good!!!

Yes, we are still here!!!

2009-05-28T14:55:00.000-04:00

My gosh!! I didn't realize that better than a week had went by without posting. I left and went to the mountains last Wednesday night and got back Monday afternoon. It was wonderful and quite relaxing. I did nothing but sleep, read, do sudoku and relax. Never cut on a TV, although the radio was playing in the background, didn't look at a computer(I did have internet if I had wanted it), just did NOTHING!!! I think sometimes nothing is a good thing. We all need time to get away and recharge. I need to do this more often. I need to make it a priority, no matter what. I think as mothers, we tend to put everyone else first and next thing you know you are feeling frustrated, used, and under appreciated. I know I get that attitude way more than I should and the main reason I do is because I have the bad habit of saying yes when asked to do something and then it causes resentment, which festers like a sore and when things get too much, I tend to blow my cool over something very trivial and insignificant. Then I look like a crazed monster. Note to self: say no and quit feeling guilty when you do. You can't do it all.

Ah, what else is new? Well, my dad is a new father to five baby turkeys! Yes, my brother, Scott, and I have siblings that are non-human. We have our brother, Brownie the Burro, .but now there are five newly hatched baby turkeys, all with the name of Peeper. A local woodcutter knows that my dad is animal crazed and was cutting down some trees and found a turkey nest. The mother left because of all the noise and falling trees, and the woodcutter hated to see the eggs just get abandoned so he brought my dad the dozen turkey eggs and Clyde(my dad) broke out the incubator in the living room and last Friday five of the eggs hatched. Now, if he peeps while he is in the kitchen, they raise their little heads and peep back. Yes, they are in the living room and probably will be for another week or at least until he can add on to the existing turkey pen so it will be safe for his "babies". It looks like "The Number One Turkey Hunter" is now "The Number One Turkey Dad"!! Shhhhh!! Don't tell anybody, I wouldn't want to spoil his reputation. BTW, Brownie may look like a donkey, but if you say that you get your birthday money yanked by my dad, so humour us please and use his spanish name which is burro. Brownie and my dad also send out Christmas cards with their photo inside. Funny, I never remember him taking Scott or myself to go see Santa and have our pictures taken but he sure does Christmas pictures for Brownie. Our cards are even signed "Love Clyde and Brownie". Go figure.....

I was thinking about my last post and Jessicaisms and a few more popped into my head while Jessica and I were discussing one of her friends toddlers who broke out with the Chicken Pox. Jessica was 16 months old when she contracted a horrific case of them. She was covered everywhere and I had to let her run around naked because her poor little body couldn't stand to have clothes touch the spots. She was so funny and she called them "pops" and she would tell everyone that she had "Chicken Pops". Of course, that was once she got past the stage where they were catching, she still looked pitiful though. I need to dig up a pic of her with them. I remember while she had them we went on vacation to Duck, NC down at the Outer Banks and being out in the sun at the beach really helped them clear up. Some other Jessicaisms was "hairpoo" for shampoo as in "Please don't put hairpoo in my hair right now" and "Can I please have some lipchap" instead of chapstik. She also called pumpkins "pogos" for some reason. She was excited during the Halloween of 1991 to go to the "pogo patch". Gosh, and while typing this I realized that it will be 20 years ago tomorrow that I found out that I was pregnant with Jessica. I think that was the best birthday present that I ever recieved!

Jessicaisms

2009-05-14T12:36:00.008-04:00

I was thinking the other day about some of the sweet and silly things that Jessica said and did when she was little. Kind of like when I posted about how I used to think that my family was really "The Three Bears". So, in honor of my darling baby, I will now embarrass her on the world wide web by posting Jessicaisms, IOW, cute things that she has said or done in the past.

The first one that I will post about is my favorite. When she was about six, Jessica had questioned me about babies. I always remembered my mother telling me to always answer those types of questions truthfully but to only answer the question, not go into too much detail. Well, Jessica had asked something about babies and I responded to her as simply as I possibly could explaining that mommies had eggs in their tummies and the eggs became babies. Easy, peasy right???? She didn't ask any more questions, seemed satisfied and off she went.

Well a few days later I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner and she comes in complaining of her tummy hurting. Butch was standing there getting a glass of tea or something and I turned to Jessica and asked her where her stomach was hurting and was she hungry or did she maybe have to go to the bathroom. Standard mom questions. Well, she turned around and grabbed her stomach and leaned over and pronounced "NO!!! I'm not hungry and I don't have to use the bathroom, I think my eggs are crackin'!!!" Needless to say, Butch about spit his tea across the room and I laughed so hard tears were streaming down my cheeks. She just stood there kind of looking at me like she was mad because we were laughing at her. I couldn't help it.

Needless to say, she has never lived that one down and it is a certainly a favorite Jessicaism. Even now, when she complains about a tummy ache, I will ask "Are your eggs crackin'?".

The Deans List, Exercise and more about the HBO Documentary

2009-05-13T16:54:00.000-04:00

I am so proud of Jessica!!!!!!! She got her final grades for her first college semester and she made two "A"'s and three "B"'s which puts her on the Deans List. Personally, I think that is pretty darned good considering she is working full time and going to school full time. She had two legal classes of which one she wasn't even supposed to take until sometimes in her second year but she ended up coming through with flying colors. Of course, there has been many tears and teeth gnashing and she has stressed to the max(she got this trait from my mother)but the semester is now over and she gets the summer to take a well deserved break. She has pretty much picked out all of her classes for the next semester and she even got the good news from the law firm that she works for that they will be reimbursing her for the two legal classes that she took. YIPEE!!! She can use that money to pay back part of the student loan that she had to take for this semester. Hopefully, between that and then the Education Credit we will get on my 09 tax return we can knock out a big chunk of the loan.

Now for the exercise portion in the title of this post. Yours truly here got the bright idea that Jessica and I needed to exercise and while I was blog stalking another blog I got the idea of Jillian Michaels, Thirty Day Shred. I must have been smoking some illegal substance though when this thought occurred (now I am kidding about the illegal substance) because for those that don't know Jillian, she's the tough trainer on "Biggest Loser". I didn't want to call her a b*tch, cuz that's just not nice, but when Jessica and I did the 20 minute deal on the beginner Level One the other night, we thought someone was torturing us!!! Jessica kept saying "Damn I hate Jillian!!!!". We are still sore today, especially on the tops of our legs and down our arms. We are going to try to tough it out for 30 days and see what our results are at the end. This blog will perhaps keep us honest. Jessica has lost 60 lbs since last July. I tell you, she really has some willpower and she sure doesn't get it from me. She is looking so good. I was looking at some pictures of her on her friends camera the other night and I didn't even recognize her in some of them. She has a cheat day once every three months and for that day alone she will eat (within reason) whatever she wants to. She usually goes for mexican and then finishes it up with Coldstone Ice Cream. Personally, if I was gonna cheat I would be eating a big, fresh loaf of hot, white bread slathered in butter!! Y-U-M-M-Y!!! but to each his own. Just send good thoughts that we don't keel over in the meantime though!

I finished up watching the HBO Documentary on Alzheimers last night in between watching the finale of "The Biggest Loser" (I"m still bummed that Tara didn't win the title, she had really worked hard). Overall, I think the series was really good but I wish there has been more about the early onset but I understand why there isn't since only 3% of the population has the early onset type. I know I was shocked when they were going over the risk factors and Butch had every one of them!!

·High blood pressure (the most closely associated risk factor)-diagnosed at 17
·Cardiovascular disease - Heart attack at 48
·Hardening of blood vessels (atherosclerosis and lipohyalinosis)-high cholestrol diagnosed at age 38
·Diabetes-diagnosed in his 40's, insulin dependent by 52
·Smoking- he started smoking at age 12
·Hypercoagulable states (ie, hyperhomocysteinemia, hyperfibrinogenemia)-diagnosed in 1992 after continuing to have strokes. This is a genetic type of disorder although we have had MD's tell us different things. I think they really even aren't sure. We do know that the clotting disorder that he has, has some kind of tie in with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I think it is genetic for the simple fact of looking at the family history on his fathers side. All were diagnosed with early onset hypertension (high blood pressure, usually in their teens) and all of his fathers sibling had strokes starting in their 40's. Same for Butch's two younger brothers.

Butch was never the type to take care of himself. He always relied on a pill to take care of things. Even when he was diagnosed with diabetes, he was in denial until he was put on insulin. I know that I tried to help him by cooking healthy, not buying junk food and sweets, things like that, but he was famous for going to the store and coming back with ice cream or candy bars or honeybuns. He loved his sweets!!! I would clean his room and find candy wrappers stuffed around. Unfortunately, it all caught up with him. I don't know, maybe this would have all happened anyways. Who knows? It's too late now, but I know this much, it's not too late for Jessica. She is young and when I was watching the statistics of her possibly having this one day, it just scares the hell out of me. I guess that's what makes me so passionate about it now. The research won't help Butch, but it may help my child and I would do anything to keep Jessica from going through this herself.

You know it's been a slow day....

2009-05-13T09:48:00.006-04:00

when the daily conversation that you have with your brother is about peeing in the pool.

In our defense though it was preceded by my question of if they had opened their pool up yet. It went downhill from there......

When you are a kid the thought never occurs to you, but as an adult when you see a public place to swim or a water park, it just can't help popping into my demented mind. How many people out there are screwing up the water? How many little kids with diapers full of ....never mind. I need to stop before I totally gross myself out.

Obviously, I won't be doing much swimming this year unless it's in Scott's pool. I think that one is safe.

Happy Belated Mother's Day

2009-05-11T15:13:00.007-04:00

This is a Happy Belated Mother's Day post because my butt is slack and I did nothing yesterday even though I wanted to do this post. It was a nice day and absolutely beautiful outside and I spent most of the afternoon sitting in the sunshine on the porch. Lewis and I started the day at Lowes buying fencing for the backyard. I had told him on Saturday that I wanted to get that done and since he is the "man" of the house, he got up early on Sunday and went pricing fencing and the supplies at both Lowes and Home Depot. We ended up going ahead and buying everything that we needed and after walking out the door several hundred dollars poorer, things are now moving forward. He did get the holes for the posts dug out and he got the end posts set in concrete. Lewis, his brother JR, and his friend Kyle will be doing the work. It may take awhile but that's ok. It's just nice having the guys around to do it. I may have started off taking care of Lewis but now it's the other way around. I don't know what I would have done without him these past 18 months. He is such a good son.

Jessica and I went to see Butch on Saturday. It had been three weeks since we had been down and unfortunately he is not doing well. He looked good but looks can be deceiving. He was having a lot of trouble walking and I could hardly understand him. We did our usual Wal-Mart, go out to eat, take a little ride, ice cream, and then back to the facility routine and each time I had to physically pull him up and out of the car. He was having a lot of weakness on his right side. I don't know if maybe he has suffered another little stroke or what exactly is going on. We always have him use the wheelchair in Wal-Mart now and as far as walking, it's just pulling up to the restaurant and to the door, but he can hardly walk that far these days. I made the mistake of asking him when we went to get ice cream whether he wanted a cone or cup and of course he wanted a cone which, I don't know why, but I ordered for him. I should have known better but I just wasn't thinking. Luckily, Jessica finished her scoop in the cup quickly and we dumped his cone in there and helped him with it. Sometimes it's just so easy to forget that even the simplest things can be hard.

Today, I watched the first in the HBO Documentary "The Alzheimer's Project". I also watched the third episode entitled "Caregivers". Talk about hard. I now have a headache and a swollen face from crying so much. If you don't have HBO, you can go to their website and watch the series online. Please do. It doesn't show all of the ups and downs, but it sure shows a lot. I think the hardest part was watching the first episode with seven different stories which while watching, I realized was showing the seven levels of Alzheimer's/Dementia. Butch is somewhere between a five and a six most of the time. I never knew until living with this that sufferers can bounce between stages at any given time. It's one of those things that I guess the Drs. don't think to tell you. Really, for me the hardest part was watching the gentlemen that they showed at the seventh and last stage. He was hospitalized and the Dr. came in and told his wife that when they get to the point that they can't swallow then the end is near. As most that read this blog know, Butch is now having swallowing issues in that he has to have all of his liquids thickened so that he doesn't aspirate them. It was just kind of a smack in the face when I heard that. Sometimes it feels that this will go on forever, like a nightmare that you can't awaken from but on the other hand when it ends, it will leave Jessica without a father. As many issues as Butch and I have had together, I hate to think of the day when Jessica loses him. That is her dad, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that she is his everything. Jessica and I were just talking this week about how hard it was when he was being so combative. I don't know who he was uglier toward, myself or her. His focus was on me and he would lash out at her when he thought she was taking my attention away from him. It was all so strange at the time, but now I know that this is the norm if there is any normal to this disease.

Enough of this for right now. I need to be posting about Mothers Day. I thought for Mothers Day I would post things about my mom and one of my favorite pictures of her. This picture was taken in 1991. Jessica was about 15 months old and it was her first snowfall. Mom stopped by my house on her way to work just to take Jessica out in the snow. I love this picture of the two of them together.

Now, for some favorite things about my mom.

1. My mom still will let me climb up on her lap and love me. Yes, it sounds crazy and usually I will just kind of lean up against her, but I know that I am never too big to be rocked and loved on. That knowledge alone is enough.
2. She made me a lime birthday cake when I was seven. It was lopsided and usually I don't like cake, but my favorite ice cream then was lime sherbet and I requested a lime birthday cake. She made it, it was not beautiful, but I will never forget it because she made it for me. For those that don't know, my mom normally does not bake. She always laughs and says that my dad didn't marry her for her cooking. She does do some killer fried pork chops and great stuffing on Thanksgiving.
3. I learned my detective skills from her. I will never forget the time she was trying to be nosy about someone and she took me and a friend to the store, sent us in to buy candy bars and then had us go up to the house that she was being nosy about under the guise of selling the candy bars for school. She knows the rest of the story and I won't embarrass her by continuing it here but I always thought that that little episode was pretty ingenious.
4. She would go to the ends of the earth to see that we made good grades. If you don't believe me, read my post in April entitled "You might be a redneck if..."
5. She is a good writer and wonderful artist. I don't have an artistic bone in my body but I remember my mom writing poems and such when I was growing up. She also always ended up helping me when it came to anything artistic because that just isn't me. It was her suggestion when I was in fifth grade that my BFF, Janet, and I go dressed up on Halloween as a pair of dice using boxes as our costume. I think that was my favorite Halloween. Jessica however, did get that ability. I'm so glad that she did.
6. She is a wonderful friend. My mom is my best friend. I love her so much. Even when we are fussing between each other, I still know she loves me and would do anything to make my life easier. When I disappoint her I know she still loves me. I know she will love me no matter what.
7. She is smart. To think she was in nursing school in her thirties blows my mind. As I have said before, she went to school from 8AM-3PM, caught a little sleep and then worked from 11PM-7AM. She did this for 18 months and graduated number one in her nursing class. She was just telling Jessica last week about how she would study, study, and restudy and it would upset her when she got a grade any less than an "A". She doesn't want Jessica to stress the way that she used to, although Jessica still does.
8. She messes up her words and expects me to understand what she is talking about. Like saying pink pelican when she meant pink flamingo amongst other things. After almost forty six years I know the look when she spouts one thing but means another.
9. She is a HUGE Rod Stewart fan and has seen him three times in concert. She has worn out who knows how many tapes and CD's of his music. How fitting that the day my brother was born, the Rod Stewart song Maggie May was number one!!!
10. Because of my mom, Jessica has been able to say she has had a lot of pets. Let's see, there has been gerbils, a hermit crab, and last but not least, a dog, knowing that I was terribly afraid of dogs. What was I going to do when she shows Jessica this sweet little picture of miniature dachshund puppies and says that her and grandaddy want to get her one? Now, of course, Kasey is my little buddy, but almost six years ago I was not a happy camper. I'm glad my mom doesn't always listen to me.

There we go. Just ten random things about my mom. I love you Mom!!!!!

For Everything, There is a Season

2009-05-07T23:49:00.000-04:00

I was watching TV on a recent Sunday afternoon and my favorite episode of "Sex and the City" came on. Now, I know some people don't like this show, but personally I find it very realistic of the way that women think and what they want. I always enjoyed Carrie's musings at the end of each episode. The particular episode that I am referring to is the episode that was aired after 9/11 called I Heart NY. At the end of the show the character says the following "Seasons change, so do cities. People come into your life and people go, but it’s comforting to know: the ones you love are always in your heart and if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away."

That quote hit home for me one day last week when I got a call from my neighbor when I was growing up. Joe is just a little older than I am, I do his and his wife's taxes every year. Joe's parents and mine lived next door to each other. His mom, Vera lost her husband, Cecil in 1987. I had always loved Cecil and he had a filled a fatherly type of role in my life at times. After Cecil's passing, I knew that Vera was quite lonely and I kind of made it my mission to find someone for her. That's how she came to meet and marry her current husband, Gene.

I knew Gene from when I worked at the shipyard. Gene was a crane operator and I worked around him quite a bit when I needed riggers to get equipment on the ship for me. It was December of 1988 and I had went into the trailer where the crane operators were to arrange to get some equipment on board the USS Saratoga, which was the aircraft carrier that we were both working on. We were all making some small talk and for some reason I asked Gene what he was going to do for the upcoming Christmas holidays. He responded nothing. Then I asked if he had any family nearby and he said no. Of course then that piqued my interest so I asked if he was married and when he replied no, of course my matchmaking instincts went into overdrive.

I promptly started questioning him about different things and when I found out that he came from Alabama, I knew I had hit a home run as Vera was from Alabama too. I immediately asked him if he minded if I fixed him up with a neighbor and for some reason he said sure. Why not! As soon as I walked out the door, I promptly called Vera and told her that I had found her match. She was a little skeptical, but I had them exchange phone numbers and she asked him over the very next morning to have a cup of coffee.

I saw him pull up to her house the next day and was quite impatient to find out how things went. Lo and behold, as soon as Gene left, Vera came out the back door and told my mom and I that she was smitten and was from the first moment that Gene stepped out of his truck. She made the shocking remark "I'm going to marry that man!" and sure enough, three months later in March, they were married. I am happy to say that I ended up being Vera's maid of honor and Gene's brother was the best man at their wedding.

A few months later Butch and I made the decision to get married on September 2, 1989. However, I had somewhat of a dilemma. I had asked my dad to please come to my wedding to walk me down the aisle but my dad has some big issues with people and crowds. I think the biggest issue he had was as he quoted "I am not giving my daughter away. I am not coming to the wedding." He had not even met Butch, refused to come to our house or anything even remotely to meeting him. My dad can just be strange like that. I didn't beg because I knew it wouldn't do any good, so I just kind of resigned myself that this was the way it was going to be.

I thought about asking my brother to do the honor of giving me away but since he was only 17 I kind of shelved that idea too. Then one day when I was mulling things over I realized that Gene would be the perfect person to ask. Vera and another one of my mom's friends, Sharon, were doing my flowers, Sharon's husband Norman was our photographer, who better to ask than Gene to do the honor of walking me down that aisle? I asked him and he promptly said yes. The rest is history as they say. Of course as you can see from the picture below, I was pretty nervous that day as I was holding onto his hand for all I was worth.

A few years later, Gene and Vera moved back to Alabama after Gene retired but they missed our area and came back and settled on the North Carolina coast right over the Virginia line. I last saw Gene about a year ago at a surprise birthday party that Joe and his wife, Ann held for Gene. He was the same Gene as always. Happy, smiling, laughing and just having a good time. Time had passed but Gene had not changed a bit.

I got the call from Joe telling me that Gene recently had been diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer and that it had spread to the brain. He told me that Vera and Gene had decided to go the hospice route and that time was getting short. He said that Gene was bedridden and was not always lucid. I told Joe to please tell Gene that I loved him and to thank him yet again for being there for me on that very special day in every woman's life. I just could not bring myself to go see him in pain that way. I wanted to remember him the way that I always knew him, vibrant, alive......damn, this is so hard.

I have been working on this post for over a week. I got the call yesterday. Gene died at 12:20PM at home. Yes, for everything there is a season. We are born, we live and one day we die. As the quote in the beginning paragraph said "People come into your life and people go, but it’s comforting to know: the ones you love are always in your heart". Gene, you will always be in my heart. Thank you for everything. I love you. As long as I have my memories, you will live on.

Ramblings of a Tired Mind....

2009-05-06T15:27:00.005-04:00

Wonders never cease! Two blog posts in one day. I guess that's where insomnia can come in handy. After a while everything just shuts down but my brain continues to race around even when I am feeling like a zombie in "Night of the Living Dead", original version please....no remakes for this girl! Just a side tidbit here for later posterity, that movie scared the hell out of my mom when it first came out back in the sixties. I remember her telling me about it. When I finally got to see it, it was kind of like, what was all of her fuss about????? Thinking back though, I remember holding the covers of my bed up to my chin so that Dracula couldn't get me when I was about eight and used to scare myself watching Creature Feature every Saturday night in the early seventies. It was a local program that came on that had all the oldies but goodies in the horror genre, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney and all the rest.

I don't actually know why I'm doing another post as I have one on a holding pattern that I have been working on for a week. I'm such a bad blogger. Today I will just ramble and see where it takes me.

First off music, I'm currently listening to the Clash "Rock the Casbah". Per the internet it supposedly came out in 1982 but personally I remember dancing to it the summer of 1983. There were certain years in my book that was banner years for music. 1971 was the best as far as I am concerned. I spent that summer around the pool at the apartment we lived in in Norfolk Virgina that my parents moved to when we left Dillwyn and moved to the Tidewater area. I was eight years old and Rod Stewart, The Stones, Aretha Franklin and so many others were so popular. If I close my eyes I can still smell the chlorine of the pool and feel the hot concrete under my feet. My mom was pregnant with my brother, Scott, and everyday she took me to the pool, music piping out of the speakers. My parents were happy, I finally was going to have a sibling as I had wished for a little sister, of course he turned out to be my little brother and will always be my little brother even though we are now 45 and 37. Life was good. I love Scott so much. We talk everyday and I can tell him anything as I think he can me. We are very much wired brain-wise alike. We both battle many of the same issues, depression probably being the major one. I can always call him and say something totally off the wall and he will understand and relate. We used to be pretty opposite in a lot of ways, but now we are on the same page. It's funny how life is that way. I have always admired my brother, he is so smart and very articulate. I know Butch used to get mad because Scott and I would talk at least once a day but he never was close like that with any of his siblings so I don't think he could understand.

The second best year for music in my opinion(and remember this is MY blog so my opinion counts but I love comments) was 1983. Ahhh, the year Michael Jackson released the Thriller album and every song was a hit. I was dating someone that I was totally enamored with and looking back I can honestly say he was really the first guy that I really, really loved in an adult way. He drove a red convertible Corvette, he was eight years older than me and every weekend we went out somewhere and went dancing or to some party. Again it was summer and the smells of the beach, the wind blowing on a Saturday night, cruising the Virginia Beach strip in his vette with the top down, I think it was the perfect summer for a young lady of 20 and everything in life completely ahead of her. Now for the fall from grace. That October we broke up and he broke my heart. Listen up girls, fairy tales are just that, fairy tales.

That's what I say to Katybug when she walks around the house talking about Tinkerbell, and fairies and Princesses. I don't necessarily like when we spoon feed our daughters the same old crap about the Prince and happily ever after. There really is no such thing. As you can tell, from last nights post and todays I have kind of an issue with the male population at times. I think I was taught in the old school ways of moms stay home, dads work, la-la-la-la-la. That's not what actually happens though. Ask my mom and look at me. My mom had to go to nursing school while I was in high school. As I have posted before, she went to school days and worked the 11PM-7AM shift and still found time to study. I don't know how she did it. She was first in her class with an "A" average. I remember sitting and calling questions to her night after night after night. She did this because my dad couldn't keep his butt at home where it belonged. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but there have been many times that he was a complete ass and he knows it. At least now he has changed and has been an awesome grandfather to Jessica and I'm happy that she gets to experience the good that I always knew was under his gruff exterior. There are times though that I wish he could have been there for me like at my graduation or even coming to my wedding. My mom though was always the rock and I will always love her for that. I love both of my parents for coming together in the last several years. They have lived apart since I was pregnant with Jessica but have never divorced. I know that they still love each other even though they don't always get along.

Oh well, enough ramblings for now. My tired mind needs to do a little housework as my sheets need to go in the dryer and my bed must be made before I finally fall into it this evening. Hopefully sleep will not elude me the way that it did last night. Otherwise another post may be forthcoming.

Good News, Insomnia, and Musings of a Two Year Old

2009-05-06T02:34:00.005-04:00

I got some really good news today. I had applied for student aid through our local community college and today(or yesterday really, since it is now 2:36AM) I received the response telling me that I qualified for $6000 in student grants and aid for the upcoming 2009-2010 school year. I still can't believe it and maybe that's why I can't sleep.

I know that it is an opportunity that I have wanted for almost forever but at the same time it scares me because now I really have to make some decisions about my future. There are several programs that I am interested in, two of which are the Registered Nursing program and the Registered Health Information Technologist program. I have considered nursing ever since my mother went to nursing school while I was in high school. Instead, at that time I applied and was accepted into an apprenticeship program at Norfolk Naval Shipyard. I completed the four year program which also included a Certificate in Electrical Engineering Technology but honestly I hated working there and after I had Jessica, I promptly quit. I did last ten years in a field that I never dreamed of being in, which was as an shipboard electrician. I never liked it and never felt like I fit in. I guess part of it was that when I went into the apprenticeship women had only been accepted into the program for four years. I was like a three headed monkey in a cage. Women caught hell there because prior to 1976, only men were allowed to apply and enter. Women were still a novelty. Now there are women on board all of the Navy ships working both in the civilian and military aspect. Then, it was so few of us. I guess being a girly-girl it just made things doubly hard. I always felt like I had to prove myself because I was a female.

I think this mindset has always been there through out my other jobs in my life as I always felt like men just tolerated women and that we were there to do the "womens work" and all of the true decisions fell to the men. Even now, I hate it when clients come into the office and I can tell them the answer to their question but they still want to talk to my boss, as if he is going to tell them what they want to hear. It makes me want to slap someone silly sometimes. Why is it when a man gives you an answer it's golden but if a woman does it should be checked and double checked? Maybe I'm just in one of those moods tonight. I don't think men actually see it that way, but it's the way I see it and since this is my blog, I can voice my feelings and if someone doesn't like it, well it's just too damn bad.

Back to the subject at hand though, I guess I will figure out what I need to go for and I do have about three months to think and ponder. I hope I don't ponder too long though because I would like to get some sleep. One does need sleep to function in this world. I need to keep in mind that whatever I choose it's going to have to be something that I can support myself with for the rest of my life. My husband will not live forever and I cannot count on any insurance proceeds since I have signed them over to the state to help pay for my husbands care in the nursing home. That is something else that is rankling (I don't know if this is a good word but it's the one that I'm using tonight) me is that I have to keep my income under a certain level so that I can qualify for Medicaid so that he can continue to have the care that I can no longer provide. It leaves me in a Catch-22, I can barely make ends meet as it is and I am always one step away from disaster. If my car breaks down, or some household catastrophe happens, how in the hell am I going to pay for it? Really and truly, this is the best time in the world for me to go to school as our lack of income helped me get this financial aid but in all honesty I also hate being in this position. Oh well, enough of that. I'm gonna pull a Scarlett O'Hara again and think of it another day. It will be there, nothing will magically change as far as that is concerned. The point is that I can now go to school and that is all that matters right this minute.

On a lighter note, our dear little Katybug informed me this last week that she was "evicting me from my room". Those are her words and yes she used them correctly in a sentence as in "Auntee, I'm evicting you from your bedroom so that it can be turned into my Tinkerbell room." Shoot, evicted by a two and half year old!! She double-whammied me Saturday morning when she crawled into bed with me and I told her that "See, there is plenty of room in here for both of us" and her response was and I quote "there will be even more room in here when I kick you out". How can such an angelic face come up with such? Is she two or twenty-two?

I don't care if your kids are nineteen and twenty or two, they still say the darnedest things.

You might be a redneck if........

2009-04-27T12:12:00.008-04:00

you have a weasel in your refrigerator????????

Yup, you got it!! A weasel, or better yet and to be more specific, a least weasle. My brother, Scott, called me Thursday afternoon and asked had I gotten his pictures yet of the weasel that he discovered Wednesday evening in his fridge. Apparently, his barn cat got a hold of this weasel somewhere around the chicken coop and had done her barn cat job by killing the weasel. Scott's wife, Felicia discovered Miss Patsy's job well done and since my father was there to inform her that not only was it a weasel, but a least weasle, and "I haven't seen one of those in 40 years" she decided to take him to the taxidermist and have his hide tanned. Scott, unbeknowing to all this, thought that he would enjoy a glass of milk when he got home from work that evening and went to reach into the refrigerator for the milk when he got a surprise and this is what he found. Scott told me, in all confidentiality, that had he known that she was going to put a weasle in their fridge one day(Scott and Felicia just celebrated 16 years of marriage on April 17) that Felicia's chances for matrimony would have went waaayyy down!!!

Just some other info though regarding least weasles and that is they are the smallest of the weasle family and that in classical and medieval European mythology, it is sometimes said that the only thing which can kill a basilisk is a weasel, though it would be killed in the conflict as well. So, for all of you Harry Potter fans out there(and BTW, the latest movie is opening two days earlier!!!!!! jumping up and down here)this is a nice to know tidbit of random, useless information.

My mom came over on Friday evening and of course I had to tell her about the least weasel and the pictures that Scott had sent me which led to our discussion on what I was going to title this post. Personally, I liked "what's in your refrigerator" just like the Capital One ad "what's in your wallet" but once we got to reminising about other things that were redneck related I agreed with my mother and decided on "you might be a redneck if....". Now, without further ado I will give you a few more reasons to discern if you might come from redneck stock.

1. Obviously, if you open your fridge or freezer door and find some dead animal carcass or parts of the dead animal staring back at you you might be a redneck. In my lifetime it was normal to find either a dead turkey or deer head staring up at you when you opened the deep freeze. This was of course so that the deer head(or some other part) could go to the taxidermist to be stuffed and mounted. Not only was the heads of deer mounted but my dad also had a gunrack made of deer feet turned up to hold his guns. My, what a beautiful addition that would make in your home decor.(I'm saying this quite facetiously) Personally, the best use for them was to be able to hang your clothes that you couldn't put in the dryer from the horns. On a clothes hanger of course.

2. Anything is edible as long as you have gravy and fried onions with it. Deer, turkey, rabbit, squirrel and goodness knows what else is fair game. As my mother said on Friday night there was even an occasional groundhog served. Her father's personal fave was squirrel for Sunday breakfast and that he enjoyed the brains as well. Now, I'm one that likes liver, but even I think eating the brains of anything is going to far. I know, don't knock it until you have tried it.

3. Roadkill can be fair game as long as you don't eat it. Now let me explain this one. In seventh grade I had a teacher who loved science projects. Mr. Godfrey assigned the class to get 20 animal prints in plaster of paris. Twenty would earn you an "A", fifteen a "B" and so on. Now my mother would not settle for me having anything less than an "A" and when you are trying to come up with twenty animal footprints it is pretty daunting. My brother even got his feet in plaster of paris. (he was only four at the time, and a human is an animal) My mother decided we were going to my maternal grandmothers house to get some other prints as she had ducks, geese and other small farm animals. On the way there we passed a opossum that had obviously been hit but not too bad. What does my mother do? Well, what any good country girl would. We pulled the car off to the side and got that opossums prints in plaster of paris. Same thing when we passed a raccoon. I do want to say, I was the only one in class to make an "A". Thank you mom!!!! BTW, the raccoon was skinned and I tanned his hide and got extra credit for that. I bet Mr. Godfrey still remembers me.

4. Never, and I mean never run away from home and take the new black and tan hound puppies with you!!!!!! It will result in a tail whupping. I was six and decided I was going to run away from home. My parents watched while I packed my suitcase and didn't say a word when I walked out the door with every intention of "leaving home". Miss Brave decided she really wasn't as brave as she felt and decided she would be safe if she had a hunting dog with her on her journey. I went to the pen and let out the newest hounddog additions so that they could run away with me. They were probably about six months old at the time. Anyways, off we go to the main road which was probably about a quarter of a mile away from our house, if that. When my father discovered what I had done, I was promptly picked up with the puppies and I got my tail beat. Not for running away, but for showing the puppies where the road was. Now we know where I ranked on his list.

5. Even at three, you know how to play poker and shoot craps for money and you win!! I think my fathers side of the family thought they were gonna get some easy money and let a small child play poker. What they didn't count on was I was good and I usually ended up being the only sober one at the table, therefore it was easy pickens in my book. My mother said she was also mortified the day she pulled up from work and found me sitting on the hood of my fathers car in pink gingham, no less, shooting craps with my dad and his cousins. When you hang out with the big boys, you play the big boy games.

Now, what's in your fridge......

I Can't Believe My Babys Driving and other thoughts...

2009-04-21T11:53:00.008-04:00

Well, a major milestone has been reached in my daughters life. She is now officially a licensed driver. She says I made her go to the DMV on Friday, I actually thought that she had suggested it. That's exactly why I want this blog because I obviously can't even correctly remember the conversation that took place that led up to Jessica getting her license.

This morning though hammered it all home. I was sitting at my desk at work when I got her call.

"Mom?" she said.....

"Yes, baby" I replied.....

"I drove to work by myself" Jessica responded....

I swallowed hard hoping she didn't hear me.

"That's wonderful!!!!" is what I said back.....what I was really thinking, with tears in my eyes was that she is now grown.

No. More. Baby.

It's final. It makes me cry just sitting here typing. She is now independent, which as parents is what we all strive for when raising our children. I am happy, yet there is a part of me that is very sad and scared and I'm feeling rather strange.

Did my mom feel that too when I drove off for the first time? I, however, unlike Jessica was standing at the DMV the day I turned 16.

Anxious.....wanting freedom and independence...wanting something that I am not sure that I have ever found. Maybe that is why I always liked to just ride around. My first car that was all my own was a 1980 Pontiac Firebird. Pearl white with gold pinstripes and tan interior. I was 17 when I bought it. I lied about my age as you could easily do back then before computers. I had a full time job, had graduated high school, no one ever questioned when I applied for that first loan. Who would have thought that I was only 17?

I drove 55,000 miles in the first two years that I owned it. I always had a change of clothes in the trunk as I never knew where I would go. Sometimes it was the Outer Banks, sometimes just cruising the strip at Virginia Beach, once or twice I went to Maryland to pick up a girlfriend for a trip back to Virginia. So many miles so long ago......so many memories.

Why is it different when it is my own child? Jessica has never been one to seem brave, yet inside is a core of steel. I found that out this last year when her father was so sick. She was the one with the voice of reason, to be strong and tell me, her mother, that he had to be placed. That I could not continue to shoulder the burden. She was the brave one when it came to taking on his side of the family, that fought us with everything they had, insisting he was well, and could still be at home. She said words to them that were ugly but they were ugly to her. She did not start it. She was the strong one. I could not stand up for myself. She did it for me.

My baby hasn't been a baby for a very long time and I didn't even realize that until I was writing this post.

She is an adult. A good, responsible, caring adult at that.

I can't take all the credit though. There was a lot of other people in her life that has helped shape her. Butch, my mom, my dad, Butch's mom, my brother, and even some of her teachers. The bottom line though is that she has always been that person deep within herself.

I am proud she is my daughter.

I love you Jessica. I can't ever imagine my life without you.

Two year olds, talking, and duct tape!

2009-04-11T11:48:00.005-04:00

In my family I am the queen of remembering useless pieces of information. I can remember the telephone number of my grandparents when I was a little girl, I remember everyones birthday, dates of death, different peoples social security numbers, just random anything. Last night though, my mother had a memory that I didn't remember.

Let me set the stage. In the car was my mom and myself in the front seat and Jessica and Kaitlyn in the back. We were riding out to Smithfield(about 20 miles from my house) to pick up almost two dozen homemade Easter eggs from my niece Sarah, who by the way is one of my three blog followers. Sarah makes yummy desserts and last year made the chocolate covered Easter eggs with everyones names on it. Needless to say, I had to order them again for this year(ok, Sarah, here's your hint, this will now be an annual order). So we are riding and we've probably been in the car for about ten minutes and during that time Kaitlyn NEVER stops talking. If anyone has or has been around a two year old girl then you know exactly what I mean. The chattering will go on forever.

About this time, there is a stop on the interstate and we are sitting at a standstill. The chattering continues with questions that are typical such as "Why are we stopping", "Where are we going", "I want.....", "don't touch me Jessica" and other random things. My mother looks at me and says during this "Was it you or your brother that I duct taped your mouth shut?" I'm sure my expression said it all! A tilt of the head, and a questioning look, made me remark "Well, I never remember you taping Scott's mouth shut and he didn't talk that much, so it must have been me." With that she said yes, it was you. In fact she went on to elaborate how shocked my expression was and how I whimpered when trying to pull off the tape. She then proceeded to laugh and say that she would be locked up now if she had done something like that.

Now, I never remember my mom spanking me except for once or twice. She was a wonderful mom and I couldn't have asked for any better, but you should have seen the almost absolute glee in her expression when she was telling me about this story. She couldn't believe that I didn't remember it. Of course, by the time we got to Smithfield, picked up the eggs, and were almost home, I certainly can understand the excitement that she exhibited because if I had had some duct tape in the car, Kaitlyn would have definitely experienced what I had experienced many years ago. Now I know why you should have children in your twenties and not in your forties. Your patience just can't a handle it anymore. I must admit though we all participated in a rousing renendition of the monkey song on the way home. You know the one "Five little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell off and bumped his head, took him to the doctor and the doctor said "No more monkeys jumping on the bed"!!!

Oh, the joys of having a two year old around!!!

A Friday Funny

2009-04-10T10:37:00.002-04:00

My cousins wife, Linda, from El Paso, TX sends me jokes all the time. She sent this one today and for some reason it just struck me as too funny. Perhaps it is because there are times in my life that I would have liked to have been holding those hedge clippers, especially when someone talks down to me. Sorry, I just have this evil streak that lurks inside of me. Enjoy!!

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.' 'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his pecker through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.''

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?' 'Well, you know,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

Maybe if I post something helpful, I will cheer up.

2009-04-09T10:12:00.006-04:00

I don't know why, but here is another Thursday and I'm feeling rather blah. Maybe Thursdays are just my depressed day so that I can seem really super happy on Fridays. Think that could be it?

I always want to blog but can't always seem to find the right words to do so. Anyways, I was thinking since I wanted to do a post, but didn't want to just gripe, as that seems to be the theme of things around here lately. So, something that always makes me feel good is doing something for someone else, I thought I would post a link to a great website that was forwarded to me this week in a Yahoo group that I belong to for people with family members with dementia and alzheimers. Then, any of the readers here can pass it along as well in the hopes that this information will get out to more people.

The link is http://www.veteranaid.org/index.php. Once you get to the home page, you will click on the link to the left that says "The A&A Program". Here is the quote from the website about what the A&A program is about. "The Aid and Attendance (A&A) Special Pension provides benefits for veterans and surviving spouses who require the regular attendance of another person to assist in eating, bathing, dressing and undressing or taking care of the needs of nature. It also includes individuals who are blind or a patient in a nursing home because of mental or physical incapacity. Assisted care in an assisting living facility also qualifies.

The A&A Pension can provide up to $1,632 per month to a veteran, $1,055 per month to a surviving spouse, or $1,949 per month to a couple*."

Bottom line is if you know of a military veteran (doesn't have to have served 20 or retired, just military service) or their spouse that needs care and can't afford it this is the program for them to look into. Right now only about 150,000 veterans and their spouse are recieving this benefit because no one seems to know about it. That is just a drop in the bucket compared to the military veterans that qualify and need it.

Please help me in doing your good deed for the day by letting others know about this benefit. To find your nearby office, call the Department of Veterans Affairs at
1-800-827-1000 or visit www.va.gov. They will be glad to assist.

Just think, right now there are 5.3 MILLION people in the United States alone with dementia and alzheimers and 10 MILLION caregivers spending 8.5 BILLION unpaid hours caring for a family member. This is not counting in the billions of hours that are paid.

Alzheimers (and the other dementias) are now the sixth leading cause of mortality in the US. The cost of these diseases are NINE times the average patient costs of care. The number of alzheimers/dementia deaths rose by more than 47% between 2000 and 2006 alone. Direct and indirect costs are more than $148 BILLION dollars per year in the US. These are the latest findings that the Alzheimers Association announced just last month.

Jessica, Lewis and I had a team of six last October that participated in the annual Memory Walk for Alzheimers. Our team was called "Team Hope" after Jessica's middle name of Hope and the hope that we have to help others with this horrible disease including Butch. Butch has the early onset type of this disease, that makes Jessica much more likely to inherit the genes from her dad for having this one day as well. We walk to not only help Butch but for the future generations to come. Consider also joining your local Memory Walk or sponsoring us when the October walk gets closer in addition to passing the Aid and Attendance link on.

Remember,tell someone you know about the facts that you learned on this post today. See!!! I already feel 100% improved!!!

Seven days and counting!

2009-04-08T20:17:00.003-04:00

One week!! Yes, that's all that's left to the current, crazy tax season. Of course, I will still be doing tax returns after April 15th, but the current crazy rush will be history come 5:00PM next Wednesday. It's a good thing too, because if not I will explode and bust like a balloon as everyone in my office(there's only three of us)will explode from snacking if it doesn't end.

Last Friday I stopped by the dollar store and picked up snacks, as did my boss. We got Cheetos, Fritos, cashews, cookies, and then a very sweet client brought us a one pound box of Whitman's Sampler, which by the way, we finished polishing off today. Yesterday, a client brought each of us a dozen handmade peanut butter miniature easter eggs. I have only ate two of those, but it's what else that I ate in between!!

Monday morning I went by Chick-Fil-A and polished off a chicken, egg, and cheese bagel, with hash browns, then by lunch I had a blackend tuna sandwich with mozzarella cheese and french fries with cajun seasoning dipped in ranch dressing. At dinner, I had a tax return to do for some friends and they had me over to dinner which was a bacon cheeseburger and another helping of spicy fries. Blah!!! By then end of dinner I was ready to blow up!!

I had lost almost fifty pounds since last year when things went so crazy with Butch, but if I don't watch out I'm going to be back up the scale. My pants are already feeling tight around the waist. I know what I need to do and that is to move, move, move! That is one of the bad things about sitting at a desk all day is that I want to snack and graze. I'm not hungry and I'm sure not bored, but in between returns it's just so easy to have that desk drawer opened with a little something in there.

Onto to other news in our lives this week. At work, there is a momma duck that has taken up residence again by our back door. She came last year late in the season and built a nest and had her babies. It was so sweet to watch. This year she came back early and set up residence back in her nest. She's been on it full time this last week. I promise to take a pic this week of Miss Guard Duck, as we so fondly refer to her. I can't wait for those little, yellow balls of down to hatch out. From what I figure we have about 3 weeks left.

We also have a new member of our household. Kaitlyn is back with us through the week(her paternal grandmother will have her on weekends). Kaitlyn is Lewis' niece and she is almost two and half. Kaitlyn and her mom lived with us from the time that Kaitlyn was one month until she was 15 months old. Unfortunately, her mom has some addiction issues and for the best interest of Katybug she will be with us for the time being. I guess that means I can't keep putting off cleaning out that bedroom that I have refused to enter because I'm giving up my room for Kaitlyn. She is so cute and Jessica and Lewis have really stepped up to help care for her. I'm so proud of them for doing the right thing and putting Kaitlyn's needs first. Addiction is a horrible thing, whether it is alcohol or drugs and I just don't understand how some continue to go down the same road over and over. I hate how much it has hurts Lewis. He tries to have a relationship with his sister and things look good for a while, but then the same old habits come back out. It's like I told both Jessica and Lewis, you can't control another person, all you can do is be there when they need you but I know that you always keep your guard up where they are concerned. The important thing is Kaitlyn and to keep their focus on her.

I went with my mother to see Butch on Saturday. He was doing well and we had a nice outing with him. My mom had not seen him since last June and I think all in all the visit was good. After his phone call on Thursday night, I had had my doubts on how the visit would go. He was really fussing to be able to come home, which as I told him, I cannot care for him anymore. His medical needs are certainly more than I am able to provide. As is the norm for patients with dementia/Alzheimer's, he is having swallowing issues. He chokes easily and when he swallows liquids, the liquids go into his lungs and causes him to keep fluid in his lungs. All of his liquids are supposed to be thickened to keep this from happening. No matter how much this is explained to him, he does not understand. The nurses really have to watch him to keep him away from the water fountain. This disease is so horrible to watch, sometimes I think it will be easier when he doesn't know us anymore. There must have been something in the air though, as I spoke with Butch's niece Sarah last night and her grandmother is also in a facility due to Alzheimer's and Sarah said that her grandmother was fussing with her mother about coming home last Thursday as well. Her grandmother has not walked in quite a while and Sarah said that she was actually trying to get out of her chair as she kept telling Sarah's mom that she wanted to go home. Even the nurses at the facility where Butch is, always comments on how on the days things are bad, it's like all of the patients are bad that day. My mother(who is a nurse) swears by the moon. She says it's like the pull of the moon has an effect on patients.

Anyways, that's enough for tonight. Jessica needs for me to check over an English paper that she needs to turn in for one of her classes. That cracks me up as English is not my strong suit.

Also, here is a shout out to my new Blog Follower, Katy from Utah. I have been stalking her and her mom's blog for a while now. She has a darling little girl of her own and I love reading about her sweet family. Congratulations Katy on your upcoming college graduation!!!! Hopefully, one day I too will be in your shoes and will finally get a degree. I'm going to get older anyways, so I may as well get my nose to the grindstone and carry my butt back to school. I have applied for student aid so we will see. I also promise to work on a Memory Post this week. I have had one that I want to do as my parent's 47th wedding anniversary was March 31st and I want to tell their story. Wish me luck for this last week!

My Easter Shoot with Kaitlyn

2009-04-06T21:09:00.005-04:00

Since it was so nice outside Sunday I decided to take Kaitlyn to the park so I could FINALLY do her Easter photos. Here's just a few of what I took, I ended up taking over 145!

The Closed Door

2009-04-02T16:32:00.005-04:00

Sorry for not blogging for a while but as expected the end of tax season is nearing and now that I am at Day 13 and counting, my stress level is starting to go upward. It is the same every year. By now, I am even dreaming about tax returns and am just ready for this year to be over and done with. For me, this is year 22. Yes, twenty-two years of tax seasons. Wouldn't you be half way to crazy by now too?

I have also been sick or half way sick with an Upper Respiratory Infection diagnosed 3 weeks ago tomorrow. Went to the local Urgent Care, got an antibiotic and even now still feeling rather punked. I should be better and honestly I am for the most part. I think it is a little bit of everything rolled into one. Tax season, allergies, the URI, and of course as always, a little bit of home stress.

The reason for the above title "The Closed Door"? Well I am getting to that but let me start it all at the beginning. Got a call from Lewis this morning that I needed a new dryer vent in the laundry room as a bird had decided to climb in and attempt to make a nest resulting in the vent coming loose, resulting in the bird flying into my laundry room, resulting in said bird flying up into the attic. When he called he was still attempting to get the suicidal bird out back into the laundry room and then outside. He didn't call me with the results so I guess I will have to update later on whether or not the bird was rescued. Anyways, that got me thinking about all that I need to do around the house but yet I can't seem to get motivated to do.

Sometimes I wonder why I feel the need to keep the house. For every item that I seem to get repaired or fixed there is another five things that in turn seem to need to be attended to. I get very tired of looking out at the lawn and needing to cut the grass or wash the siding or have my hardwood floors sanded and refinished or another coat of paint in yet another room. We had our kitchen and bathroom remodeled and updated in 2007 and I love, love, love both of those rooms but the lack of money and lack of time make moving into the other rooms very daunting.

Now, onto the title of this post. The closed door that I am referring to is the closed door into Butch's room. When he was hospitalized last May, right before he was placed in the nursing home, I closed the door to his room and unless I needed to put something away or retrieve clothes for him, I have not been back in that room except for a few brief hours when I tried to clean up and redo. Those few hours were very hard as I found that I was harboring some resentment. Resentment about the way that things turned out, resentment for all that I had lived through in the past few months with Butch, resentment for having to care for someone that was so very difficult to care for.

I have realized tonight that not only have I closed the door to that room, but I have also got a closed door into my heart and mind. There is a part of me that wants this to all be over with. I am tired of dealing with the nursing home. Tired of fighting with physicians over his care and medications. Tired of making the biweekly visits to see him. Tired of the phone calls. Tired of the holidays when his family runs down to see him but doesn't go to see him unless it is a holiday. Sometimes I just feel that there is no end in sight. This could drag on for years and years. I don't think it will, but really and truly I can't see the future. The not knowing makes things worse.

Yes, things are thousands of times better for me than one year ago. I only deal with it for a few minutes now weekly and the few hour visits which again are so difficult. The only way that I can describe it is having a wound that is healing and then every so often having the scab ripped away and starting all over again. I feel so many emotions when dealing with him. Emotions that I don't necessarily like feeling. Guilt, hatred, pity, and sometimes even apathy. I would like to deal with this the way that I have dealt with his bedroom, and that is to close the door and never have to open it up again, but just like that room, I cannot do that. One day I will have to open that door and go in there and finish things up. I had thought the other day that that would be one of my projects for after April 15th. Today, just the thought of opening that door makes me nauseous. I'm just expressing myself here. I'm so much improved than even a few months ago. The bad days are fewer and farther between. The tightness in my whole being has subsided, I usually rest better and most days I'm so much more at peace. Sometimes though, and today is one of those days, I feel the weight of everything upon my shoulders and I feel like I cannot take one more step in this unknown journey.

I'm sure that the upcoming Easter holiday has a lot to do with this. I had a really bad time around Christmas. Thanksgiving was the same. Butch wanted to come home but the facility advised against it because of the unpredictability in his moods and actions. I know that he still has outbursts and issues. I'm not there all the time, but I get the calls when they happen. Not only does his safety depend on him being there but also my safety and Jessica's as well. It is just so hard. That is why I'm typing this out, I have found that once it is out, I can take a deep breath and go forward. Hopefully one day this deep wound upon my psyche will heal and I will be able to look back without so much pain.

Another Picture for Stellan

2009-03-29T14:49:00.003-04:00

It has now been almost a week since Stellan has been in the hospital with SVT. My mother and I will continue to pray for Stellan and MckMama as well as the rest of her family.

2009-03-25T08:14:00.001-04:00

Stellan's Name Gallery

2009-03-24T19:51:00.001-04:00

As you may have read in our previous post, MckMama's youngest son Stellan is very sick in the hospital. Back when MckMama was pregnant and the doctor's told her he would not live, everyone came together and made signs with Stellan's name and sent them to MckMama. Well we're doing it again. If you'd like to do it as well visit http://knowingnorrah.blogspot.com/.

Under Construction

2009-03-24T13:02:00.001-04:00

I know the page looks a little funky right now but I'm in the process of changing the layout.

Thanks!
Jessica

Your Prayers Are Needed

2009-03-23T12:14:00.003-04:00

I know that Monday posts are usually reserved for Not Me Monday's but today in honor of MckMamma we will not be posting, we will be praying.

My mother Janice and I have been following a blog called My Charming Kids for some time now. It's ran by MckMamma and talks about her everyday life and her beautiful Many Small Children (MSC). Although we have never met MckMamma or even spoken to her, just reading her blog you get the feeling that you know her. Her youngest son, Stellan aka MckMuffin, was diagnosed with SVT (supraventricular tachycardia) in the womb and was not expected to live. A few short months later Stellan was born and was healed and healthy. This morning while checking MckMamma's blog we were devistated to find out that poor little Stellan is back in the hospital with heart rates close to 300. Now like I said before, we don't personally know MckMamma but just reading that baby Stellan is sick and in the hospital made me cry. So now we need your help. Please, if you read this, I am begging that you pray for little Stellan. Pray that God will help Stellan again as he did while he was in the womb. Pray that Stellan will take a turn for the better before the doctors are forced to put Stellan on a ventilator. Also, please pray for MckMamma and Prince Charming, as well as her other MSC. Please pray that their family does not have to loose baby Stellan.

Jessica

Memory Post

2009-03-22T13:45:00.005-04:00

I'm a little behind here but my Memory Post today is for my paternal grandmother, Mary Lucille Jamerson Chidester but she went by "Lucille". She was born March 16, 1926 in Dillwyn, Virginia. I have delayed posting about her because I kept trying to come up with some happy memories but sadly there are very few of them. Looking back, I don't believe that my grandmother was a very happy person. There really is no one left alive to tell me anything regarding her childhood, her young life and essentially what made her do some of the things that she did. I guess there is no way to sugarcoat things but my grandmother was an alcoholic and she lived and died that way. Her life revolved around drinking and getting her next drink. Sadly she only lived to be 50 and she died a very horrible death of cirrhosis of the liver. The picture here was of her and my dad taken around 1945, she would have been about 19 years old.

I don't want to be entirely negative because even though I never remember her telling me she loved me, or holding me or any of those grandmotherly things I do know deep within my being that she loved me from some of the things that she would do for me. One of my first memories of her was when we lived with her and my grandfather while my parents were building their home. My mother was working at that time and I stayed with her during the day. I remember getting up in the morning and sitting at the kitchen table with her and my grandfather before he left for work.
The radio would be playing on WFLO, the local Farmville radio station. I distinctly remember one morning she grabbed my hand and we danced around the kitchen to "Proud Mary" by Ike and Tina Turner. That song came out in 1968 so that would have put me at 5 years old. Sometimes when it was raining, she would yell out "C'mon Sunshine" and I would always respond back with "C,mon Rain" just to stubborn, but she liked that because she was EXTREMELY stubborn herself. As my father quoted to me on Friday when I asked him if he ever remembered her being demonstrative "She always ran the show" and no, he never remembered her telling him she loved him or hugging him but he knew she loved him and that she loved my brother and I.

She had two best friends in her life, one was her younger sister, Isabelle and the other was her cousin, Florence. Florence only lived a few miles from us and I remember going over there at least several times a week. We would also spend time with her parents, my great-grandparents almost everyday. In the summers we would go fishing with them, sometimes canning fruits and vegetables, playing cards (that's how I learned to play poker and they would take my pennies, I finally got wise even at that age and could usually win more than I would lose)and of course I remember them sitting out at the picnic table drinking. In the winter it was usually quilting or in the afternoons, watching the "stories" as my grandmother would say. One of her favorites was "The Edge of Night" which would come on at 3:30PM and usually by the time it was over she was asleep. Really, she had passed out is what it was, but I was little and didn't realize it then. She would stretch out on the couch and I would sit on the floor at the end of the couch closest to the TV and watch with her. In fact, one time my mother took me to a babysitter, as she was afraid to keep leaving me with my grandmother due to her drinking, and when the babysitter tried to get me to take a nap, I refused and threw a fit so that would let me sit up with her and watch the soaps. The babysitter told my mother that I was fine as long as she let me do that so while the other children slept, I watched the stories.

My grandmother was diagnosed with cirrhosis in 1972 and yet she would not quit drinking. It was a horrible thing to watch the next four years. She lost weight and probably weighed about 100-110lbs and she was 5'6" so she was extremely emancipated but with a huge stomach as if she was pregnant. I have her last drivers license and in the picture she looked as if she was 80 instead of 50. It was really pitiful and even more so that she would not give up the alcohol. One of her last weekends at home was my 13th birthday. I had my BFF, Janet with me that weekend and she called the local hotel and had the owner fill up the swimming pool so that Janet and I could go swimming as that was my birthday wish. Yes, she could bully anybody into doing just about anything. Of course Dillwyn was, and is such a small town, everyone knew everyone else so having a pool filled up wasn't that big of a deal but still when I look back I am amazed that she would expect someone to do something like that. After that weekend she was hospitalized until her death in September of 1976 except for a few brief hours that my Grandfather Clyde had her brought home one day as she wanted to come home one last time. He loved her so much, yet not once can anyone remember her saying I love you back to him or her showing any kind of affection.

I don't want to portray her entirely negative. I do know that when she talked about my father (her only child) there was a light in her eyes that was there no other time. She would call him "Son" or "Baby Clyde" and just the way she said it one would just know that she thought the sun rose and set on my dad. I can hear her right now say "When son gets here" or see the way she looked when he would walk in the door, I know she loved him. In fact, she loved him so much she could never see anything wrong in anything that my father ever did. I know she loved me because of the things she did for me or if I wanted something she would try to see that I got it. She would always order pies, one lemon meringue and one chocolate meringue from an old black lady that baked pastries that lived near her. I remember riding with her there to pick them up. That was a good memory. I told my brother, Scott, how she called him Jamie as she didn't like his name "Jeriahme Scott" and when she would send him cards, they were addressed "Master Jamie Chidester" as she was kind of proper like that. One time she got on me for calling her "Grandma" instead of "Grandmother" as she said grandmother sounded so much more dignified and she was to young to be a grandma.

One of the funniest memories of her was when my brother was about a year old and we were in Rose's Department store on Main St. in Farmville and my brother wanted this pink, stuffed kitten with a soft furry face. I thought she was going to die on the spot because it was a pink kitten and not the black kitten. She kept trying to get him to want the black one, because pink was for girls. My mother finally stepped in and stood up to her and he got the pink kitten. I have that kitten now and need to give it back to Scott. Jessica loved on that kitten when she a baby too. Scott was quite sick with asthma as a child and I think that kitten went with him every time he was ever sick and in the hospital.

I also just recalled the emerald ring(my birthstone) that she gave me for my 12th birthday. It was probably one of my first pieces of real jewelry. The ring came from Martin's Jeweler's, again on Main St. in Farmville and she got it for me because I so admired her aquamarine birthstone ring that she always wore. It was a lovely princess cut and yes, I still have it though I haven't wore it in years. Also, a red Christmas dress that she had made for me the last Christmas that she was alive. My mother still has that dress hanging in her closet.

My grandmother was a very strong-willed, opinionated, stubborn person and I know that I have some of her qualities, that when in a small amount is not an entirely bad thing. I know that when an attitude comes out in me my mother will say "OK, Lucille" and I know that I need to back off or calm down. Of course, she will also say I have my "Clyde" moments (my dad) but again, that is the Lucille coming out. As with all of my grandparents, I wish I had one day back to see them again. I think with her, it would have to be the day that she grabbed my hand and danced with me in the sun dappled kitchen. That is the day that I remember the most.

Photo(s) Of the Week

2009-03-19T20:08:00.003-04:00

In case you guys didn't know...I'm gonna be an aunt again! Aydon Riley Hubbard is scheduled to debut on August 12, 2009. My sister in law Lacey just recently found out she was having a little boy. And the most wonderful thing about it is she goes back for another ultra sound on March 30th and guess what? I get to go with her. I haven't even met this little boy yet and he's already stolen my heart. Oh and don't worry, there will be even better pictures after the next ultra sound.

Not Me Monday!!!

2009-03-16T19:49:00.005-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Another week of Not Me's, my oh my, what shall we say!

Jessica does NOT have an appointment on Saturday evening for a tattoo, much to the chagrin of her mother. I'm a little on the fence here, part of me understands, but part of me says "NO, don't be like all the others!" Under my liberal facade there is still a little old fashioned mom that screams "you will regret this one day". She is going to put it on the back part of her hip so at least everyone won't see it, and what she wants is tasteful and it is something that she has had picked out for about a year, which is what I requested she do when she first started talking about one.

I did NOT finally get up the courage to fly again. This time it is to Orlando, Florida in June. The only two times I have flown, the area that I flew to was devastated approximately six weeks later. The first time that I flew was for business and I went to New York City in July of 2001. I remember standing at the bottom of the World Trade Center with my mouth hanging open like the typical tourist. Of course six weeks later 9/11 happened. The second time was to visit my cousin in Pass Christian, MS over July 4th of 2005. Six weeks later Katrina hit. Need I say more? If Orlando gets hit by something around the first of August I promise to NEVER fly again.

I was not the worlds meanest mom on Friday calling Jessica and fussing at her about everything that had upset me that morning (see b*tch post under this one)amongst other things that I had no towels left in the towel closet because some certain teenagers can't manage to get their dirty clothes in the bathroom hamper for me to wash them. I don't think that is asking too much, do you? If they are in the hamper, the clothes get washed and folded and then put in their room. How much more do they want? When they go around naked, maybe they will learn their lesson, but I know Lewis too well. When he runs out of clean socks he will wear other peoples even though their foot is much smaller than his and has a pink "Hanes Her Way" stamped on the bottom. Hope he doesn't start to wear my panties, then I guess we will really have issues. Nah, he wouldn't do that, he would probably go commando first.

I think that's enough for this week. Look for a memory post in the next day or so.

B*tch Post

2009-03-13T12:03:00.002-04:00

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later and today is the day. My first bitch post.

I must admit it started the moment my feet hit the floor this morning, or more accurately the moment that my mind started swimming up from the abyss to awaken. First off, even though it is Friday, it is not the end of the week for me, as I have to work tomorrow. Joy, Joy, Fun, Fun (NOT!!!). Only 33 more days and tax season will be officially over. The only problem is that I suspect some poor bastard is going to die before it is if I have my way. I have been at this for 22 years this year and every year my friends and family hear the same fussing out of me. It is the same issues every year but unfortunately my patience is wearing EXTREMELY thin.

With that, I am going to give everyone out there some advice when it comes to taking your information to a tax professional so that you won’t make the mistake of pissing them off.

1. Bring all of your W-2’s, 1099’s, 1098’s, K-1’s or anything that you think might have an impact. Bring the ORIGINALS!!! I have clients that will make a list and not bring the original. Sometimes there are things that I need the originals for. Example: Today I open a file and the client has listed all of the dividends and interest on a single sheet of paper. The problem was that he lumped all of his and his wife’s together so I had to call him and get a breakdown between his and hers. I knew he had his and hers accounts from prior years copies. This wasted my time and his. Mine making the call and his writing up a list that I didn’t need if I had the original information.
2. Look at your information before you bring it in. Make sure it is in your name and for the proper year. You may not understand everything but that is why we are here and why you pay us. Example: I had a client bring in some K-1’s that they received from an estate. The K-1’s were for 05 and 06. Not too big of a deal, we will have to amend their 05 and 06 return, but I call and tell them not once, not twice but three times that they need to find out if they are going to get a K-1 for 08. What happens this morning? The husband comes in and says “Wife says you have all the info including K-1’s” I pull out the file, show him the K-1’s which are dated for 05 & 06 and explain to him that we need to know if there will be a K-1 for 08 (and also 07 for that matter) as we can file an extension for their 08 return if the 08 K-1 is coming. Of course, then he calls wife who acts confused and we are back to where we were 6 weeks ago, which is trying to find out if an 08 K-1 will be issued. These are not ignorant people, they are professionals and I expect a little bit more out of those with initials behind their name. (ie: PhD, MD, DDS etc)
3. If you owe money, don’t blame me!!! This is a BIG one. Every year we have certain clients that owe a balance due on their return and every year they question why. We patiently explain why and either tell them to increase their withholdings through their paychecks, retirement, etc or make quarterly estimated payments. Every year they don’t and we go through this over and over. You are paying for your tax professionals advice. USE IT!!!!!!!!!!
4. Don’t sit across from me and play the poor card when your income is $145,000 a year. I don’t want to hear it, and frankly I could give a rat’s ass less. You are not poor, in fact my YEARLY gross income is a little less than two months of your income, so my heart does NOT bleed for you! SUCK IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I had someone do this to me on Tuesday. By the time they left I wanted to throw up.
5. Don’t call me and complain about your bookkeeper (if you have a business) when we both know you don’t give her your receipts or information like you should. No one is a mind reader including me. If I was, I would have my own Psychic Hotline making a lot more money than I am now. I also don’t appreciate having to pull information out of you when you know damn well you have reportable income and you are hoping if I don’t ask you about it, you won’t report the income and won’t pay taxes on it. Look buster, I’m a damned good detective and when I’m working on your rental properties, I have learned that you are a sleazy, little bastard so I go to the cities websites and check to see if you still own all of your properties or if you have sold something and oh so “conveniently” forgot to tell me.

Yes, all of this has happened to me in the space of three days. Can you now understand my frustrations? On the other hand, I care enough about our clients that I always try to go the extra mile searching for deductions. I also try to advise our elderly and disabled clients of the real estate tax relief programs in their cities or counties. I try to patiently listen as some of you talk to me about the loss of your job, house, business etc. I am right there with you and can understand. I will pick up and deliver tax returns to our non-driving clients (yes, they are out there) because I hope that one day someone will be as kind to me if I need it. I also adore our clients that treat us like family and will bring us milk and cookies, and call and tease us and take the time to ask about our families, children, and sometimes even pets. I even had a client give me a $10 tip last week and told me to go to lunch on him. It’s not about the money or the goodies, it’s about how you treat me and I so appreciate those that are nice and kind. But…………for those that are a pain in my a double s (as one of my grandmothers would say) watch out………I am on the warpath and someone (whistling and looking very innocent) may get pushed into traffic on the way out their door onto the Boulevard.

In all honesty though, after writing this and putting it all down, I feel so much better. Obviously blogging is good therapy so watch out, more b*tch posts are likely.